Dancing Again

It's a week into February 2010 and I haven't written an entry yet! I have been terribly remiss, and it isn't like I don't have a lot of things to write about, much less think about.

But, as always, thoughts can be your enemy. So, maybe it's best if thoughts are left for another day.

I've had dance rehearsals for a little over a month now, and it has been wonderful! It is great to be dancing again. I miss it. I'm not as good as I used to be. And, maybe, in a way, I'm better than I used to be. I have to keep reminding myself to not be impatient and to learn and keep learning.

The other girls in the dance show, called Sparks of Broadway, are basically teenagers. Maybe one or two are in university or college. The rest are in secondary school! I feel like the oldest person in the dance group, which, yes, okay, fine, you got me, I am. And I do feel old. They've got more stamina than I do. And, they've been practising the dances longer, too. They're more familiar with the steps and are better at it. But I'll catch up :)

And I'll make sure I won't embarrass myself :P

They have been dancing with Farah Dato' Seri Sulaiman for years. Although many of them do not have formal dance training, their time with Farah shows true in their form. There are many talented individuals in this group. Some of them have truly amazing voices! Like this one girl whose voice sounds like it belongs on a Disney soundtrack!

Although Farah Sulaiman no longer runs an academy, preferring instead to do shows such as Sparks of Broadway, she has done everything she can to ensure that her dancers receive the best training possible so that they can give the best performance possible. She's giving them vocal lessons, for free (!), and it has been paying off in how much they have improved and how well they're doing. She's also giving them acting workshops to help them in their expression during dance.

Unfortunately, these workshops and lessons are only for the young ones. The old fogeys, like me, are left out of the fun and to our own devices. This means that we're usually fooling around outside the rehearsal space, going through our steps or just mucking about with improvised dance steps or sharing dance exercises we'd learnt before, while the young ones are doing their weekly workshops.

The nice thing is that, Hurak, one of my dancers from the Nunuk Ragang team has joined the dance. In between practises and during cool-down, we're doing stretches, sharing dance exercises, and doing crazy dance stuff on any spare space we could find. It's really shaping up to be a lot of fun.

I was a bit surprised and flattered when one of the girls asked me how long I'd been studying ballet because she thought that every time we did a ballet sequence, I always looked poised. I only took formal ballet lessons as an adult for about a year or a year and a half. I guess the training was worth it, although I do admit that I wish I was more graceful and more able to execute the ballet movements.

Some of the dancers are trained in Latin dance, and it shows in their fluidity of movement and also in the general way that they move in dance. The other dancers also appear eager to learn Latin dance from them, and can sometimes be seen asking their friends to teach them moves or to correct a dance execution. The younger dancers are also amazing in other kinds of dances like tap dancing. Two of the girls, sisters, in particular, are like lightning fast with their taps!

I hate learning steps because it's slow and tedious. But I love it when everything comes together in the end, and everything flows. So, I'll just take it slowly and repeat, repeat, repeat until I get the dance steps down so I can just dance without thinking and enjoy myself fully.

I have about 2 months left to really nail down all the dance steps. I am dancing in about 7 or 8 dance numbers. I'm looking forward to June when Sparks of Broadway finally takes the stage. In the meantime, I'm going to take good care of my knees. They've been acting up, and I've been trying to keep it rested and strong as much as possible.

The Chinese New Year break will be good for me and my knees. Looking forward to the holiday festivities, and to more dancing!

A Message From the Angels

I signed up for these emails from Angels so that I can be reminded to hang tough, hang in there, keep trying, don't give up and keep hoping and praying.

And, sometimes, the messages I get are so in sync with my current experience. Like this one:

“Relationships with others in the physical realm are present many times so that you may experience acceptance. This may be acceptance of the other or possibly even just acceptance for yourself. However, do keep in mind that by learning acceptance, it does not always mean that you need to continue to have the person in your life to do so. If it is time to release someone with love, then it is time. Trust your gut. Ask if it is time and if you feel it is, accept that it is right for you to move on, ask us for help in cutting any ties with love and release it.”
– With Love, The Angels

There are emails out there, circulating in cyberspace, about friendships or relationships being there for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Sometimes, when it's time to let go, we have to let go. Even if it's only for your own sake. Especially if it's for your own sake. And this goes both ways as well.

I'd like to say thank you very much to those people who have made a big impact in my life but who, for one reason or another, are no longer a part of my life. I am who I am today in part thanks to you.

Heh. Not sure if some would find that insulting.

But you were there for a reason, and I hope that I've learned the lessons I was supposed to learn. You were there for a season, and I hope that I appreciate the experience enough to treasure it and learn from it, too. As for everyone else still in my life, I'm hoping that it turns into a lifetime.

A Dilemma

Maybe I watch too many shows, watch too much Disney, or just think too much, but here's something that has been popping in and out of my mind for a long while. Let's see what you make of it. Call it an exercise in Philosophy and Ethics & Morality. Pay attention, class. This, most probably, will not be in your final.

Scenario:
Girl A goes out with Guy A, who professes love for her. But, as it turns out, Guy A is actually going out with Girl B, and seems quite serious about her. Girl A ends up crying on Guy B's shoulder, who is a good friend to her and just happens to be best friends with Guy A as well. Guy B tells Girl A that she's been played and she should just take in her stride and move on. Girl A breaks up with Guy A. Guy A and Guy B remain best of friends. Girl A and Guy B do not.

I had a list of essay questions to use to fiddle around with, but what the heck. School is out. And, truth is, rules don't really apply in life anymore, unless you hold to it firmly in yourself and practise what you preach.

So, main dilemma here is ... how does Guy B remain best friends with Guy A despite acknowledging and knowing that what Guy A did was wrong (You may argue about this in a separate paper for extra credit). How is it that Guy B can so cavalierly and cheerfully tell Girl A that she's been used, and just get over it, and then turn around and still be best of friends with Guy A? Or, maybe Girl A deserves it? Since she's an idiot enough to fall for Guy A's lines, then she doesn't deserve respect, or consideration, or friendship.

What boggles my mind at this moment is ... why does this friendship survive?

If you knew that a friend was mis-using another friend of yours, how would you feel and how would you deal with the situation?

Do the concepts of punishment and fair play come into the equation? How? Why? Or why not?

Why am I even thinking of this stuff? Guy A and Guy B should just go and screw themselves. Girl A should get a backbone and a life.

I just recently consciously decided to actively terminate a friendship. I say "actively" because I did not decide to just let the friendship die out on its own, never call the person anymore, or hang out with them. I actually sent a notification to my friend, informing my friend that I no longer wished to be friends.

It may not be the best move in the world. But, I hated it when I went on Facebook one day and discovered a friend, who I felt was important and close to me, suddenly missing from my Friends List. I thought that he had deleted me willy-nilly because of some wrong that I did. I decided not to jump to conclusions, and called him up instead. Good thing I did. Turned out that he decided to delete his entire Facebook account and just forgot to inform everyone.

I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want my friend to go around wondering, "What the heck happened? Does she hate me? What did I do? How come I got deleted? Did anyone else get deleted?"

No, I don't hate my un-friend. But, like the scenario above, sometimes you have to wonder if being a friend means only that you can count on the person saying "Hello" back at you. I think that being a friend means more than just "Hello".

If you believe in Principle A, then is it fair to only apply that principle to those you like? Is it fair to withhold that principle when it comes to people who you don't really like?

For a long time, I thought that the friendship between me and my un-friend is okay because each friendship is unique and different. Each friendship depends on the dynamics between the two people involved. And, this is just how my un-friend happen to see me, and how our dynamics work together.

But, the more I thought about it, the more unhappy I was. Regardless of how our dynamics work, it is not okay for him to disrespect, abuse, mis-use, be mean, rude, insulting and dismissive of me. Regardless of the dynamics involved, a friendship means love, care, and respect. And, too often, the respect part gets lost in the process of expressing "I am your friend".

I used to wonder how it is that my un-friend can moan and complain about how he is Mr. Communication and that his significant other refuses to talk to him about their problems, and yet I can't get any meaningful communication going with him. Despite the many times I have broached the matter with him, the only constant that I can expect from him is his derision. It is *my* fault that we can't talk because I don't talk properly or nicely, and because I sound like I'm attacking him. No matter how sweetly I pitch my voice, I'm being a bitch because I'm taking this up with him.

I've actually had him yell at me for refusing to do something.

In public, he has no problems with putting me down and, in fact, seemed to relish such opportunities; gleefully pointing out my flaws or highlighting characteristics or situations that show what a loser I am.

This was a friend I held with considerable regard. Our acquaintanceship spanned 12 years. But, like Girl A, I needed to get a backbone and a life.

He treats no one else the way he treats me.

I used to call him one of my closest friends, and he mentioned the same sentiment to me once. Maybe I was just dreaming it. I think he believes that I think I'm better than him, and resents me for it. That's why he never passes up an opportunity to put me in my place.

I wonder what possessed me to take 12 years of this bullshit. To allow myself to be treated this way. How many of my friends have seen him treat me the way he does, and think to themselves, "Well, she must deserve to be treated that way since that guy does it to her."

But, I think, most telling of all would be the fact that he switches off, turns a blank face to me, or just disregard me completely when I try to tell him something. I remember the first time I tried to talk to him, he intimidated me so much. He came for the talk and his face and manner was thunderous. He barked at me, and told me to hurry up and why was I taking so long?

And, I forgave him for that.

Sometimes, I think about the girls he goes after and the friends he has in general, and how he goes heads over heels with such effort and thought, practically scrambling over imagined rivals, to be the one to do a chore, job, task or favour for him. And, he can't even bring himself to listen to me openly.

He can't be bothered to even listen. He's already closed off and made his mind up about me. He has no compunction about being rude in public. In fact, he doesn't even remember it. In fact, he doesn't even remember I was there.

This was someone I called friend. I don't know if he called me friend, or if he called me that just because we've known each other for a long time.

How and why did I allow him to treat me this way for 12 years? Why did he continue to treat me like that for 12 years? A friend told me that it's because I'd already set precedent. I did not punish him the first time he acted that way with me, and so , he knew that he could always treat me that way.

He may never change, but I can.

Last week, I actively terminated a friendship, and I'm still mourning it. Despite the sadness, I hope my new backbone won't let me be weak again.

Darren Shan's Cirque du Freak

Empress wanted to see this movie. And I'd seen the trailer and seen the book series several times. It seems to be pretty popular, but for some reason, I just was not interested enough to read the book. In any case, when Empress asked if anyone wanted to watch this movie, I said "Yes".

I am very happy to report that Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant was a highly entertaining, adventurous and funny movie.

The movie is based on a book series written by Darren Shan. Yes, the main character and the author have the same name. It's one way to achieve immortality :)

It's almost like a typical coming-of-age movie where a young boy comes into his own, but with a twist. There are so many humorous and hilarious moments in the movie. I was engaged from start to finish, and I can't wait for the sequel!

I think what made the movie really work were the characters, the casting, the background against which the story is set, and the story itself. There are no, or little, soppy moments. Our hero does not dash his hand against his forehead, bemoaning his calamities and ill-luck. There are no drama-mamas here, which really makes for a refreshing change. Even the villain is unapologetically villanous.

"I jealous. So, I take revenge, lor!"

Or, something like that.

Our hero, Darren Shan, is a well-meaning boy with inner strength and courage and intelligence. Though sometimes seen as a goody-two-shoes, he is no wuss. When his own actions lead to troubles, he mans up. Attaboy, Darren! Call me in ten years when you're not jail-bait anymore!

The characters are vivid without being over-the-top. The most impressive character is that of Mr. Larsten Crepsley, played with relish and with great humility and success by the talented John C. Riley. You may remember him as Renee Zellweger's poor, besotted husband in the movie "Chicago".

Willem Da Foe is absolutely delicious in his role as Gavner, and you can just see how much he enjoyed the role. It's the only instance I can think of right now where the actor hams it up and, yet, it still falls naturally and seamlessly into the flow of the movie without sticking out like a sore thumb.

Kudos to director Paul Weitz for the magnificent job!

As for the villains ... oh, the villains! Too delicious for words! You will absolutely love hating them! Played with great pomp and presence and menace, the villains present the perfect counterpoint to our hero.

I'm also very happy to see that the screenplay for the movie was co-written by Paul Weitz and Brian Helgeland, who graduated from my alma mater, Loyola Marymount University, and who also won an Oscar for writing "L.A. Confidential".

Another reason to watch the movie? How about Salma Hayek?

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is worth every penny of the ticket price. I'm inspired to try reading the books now!

Machines Need To Breathe, Too

For the past couple of months, I'd been having a problem with my computer. Just as I was doing something, it would switch itself off with no warning. I thought it was spyware or some kind of virus. I did scans, cleans, defrags, and anything else that came to mind.

But, the problem persisted.

And, it got worse. In the past couple of weeks, I'd be switching my laptop on and having it switch itself off half an hour later. It got so bad that, sometimes, it would switch itself off as soon as I switched it on. Work that I wanted done, especially on rendering videos and all that, just came to a standstill.

I researched the problem on the net and, based on what a tech friend said, as well, I went out and bought the best laptop cooler pad in the market. It is worth it if I don't have to trash my beloved Evil Kitten. Sigh. I can't face having to pick and BUY another laptop at this time.

I thought the problem was resolved when HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA ROTFL ... That's the universe having a good laugh at me.

On the day that I had to prepare a DVD of my portfolio works for an interview, my laptop went ..... DEAD!!!! DEAD!!!! DEAD!!!!!!!!

No matter how many times I booted it up, it died within seconds. I was *this* close to hurling it against the wall.

Fortunately, Little Paw Paws was there to rescue me. I did another round of research on thet net, and found out that the problem could be a blocked cooling vent. Some helpful guy even posted step-by-step directions as well as pictures on how to solve the problem.

There was a couple of hours wasted as I ran from one computer shop to another looking for cans of compressed air to clean the inside of the computer with.

Do you have any idea how many people do not listen properly?

Do you know how many times people gave me the WRONG product or recommendation even though I specifically said that I wanted to clean the INSIDE, the CPU, of my laptop?

EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM!

All of them, without fail, handed me a spray and cleaning cloth for cleaning the LCD screen of my computer. I had to say it again, twice more, "I am cleaning the INSIDE of my computer. The CPU!"

Oh.

Do you have anything cans of compressed air?

No.

Do you have anything that blows air?

No.

Do you have anything that can help me?

No.

Thanks.

I had almost reached the point where I wanted to pick up one of the sales assistants and throw him against the wall. I almost cried at the thought of having to run to another shopping centre, find parking, run to the shops, and repeat the same thing ... all over again.

Finally, I decided to buy a USB vacuum cleaner, hoping that it would do the job as well.

And, it did. I opened up my laptop, and used Little Paw Paws to power the USB vacuum cleaner. It didn't clean as well as the can of compressed air did in the guy's how-to pics, but I cleared a solid layer of dust gunk covering the entire heat vent of my laptop. It was so thick, it could have been cotton.

No wonder Evil Kitten was switching itself off! And, I'm so glad that Evil Kitten is so stubborn as to refuse to remain switched on despite the heat. I would have hated to lose my files due to damage caused by over-heating.

Oh, I hear you asking, "Why didn't you back up your files, dumb ass?"

"BECAUSE THE LAPTOP WOULDN'T STAY SWITCHED ON THAT LONG, DUMB ASS!"

And now ... Evil Kitten is working smoothly. I put her through her paces, and did some heavy work, and it's still alive!

It's alive!

Thank you, Google, for bringing the solution to me. Now, to fix the other 27 problems that my laptop has.

Getting into the Groove

Ten days into the new year, and I’m still learning to write 2010 instead of 2009.

The new year has started well, in most respects. I’m involved in a new dance show that is slated for the stage at the end of June. I didn’t expect to be slated into so many dances for this production, and am somewhat flattered and scared. There are eight dances altogether, plus one song, and of the eight dances, I’ll be singing in the chorus in about 3 or 4 of them.

I’ve also attended one audition for a production, and am planning to attend another one next week. It was daunting having to prepare one contemporary monologue with 2 contrasting interpretations, as well as one children’s monologue. I was very nervous, but, perhaps thanks to the director handling the auditions, the experience went through smoothly. I don’t think I did my best, but it did whet my appetite to go out for more auditions.

I’m somewhat inspired to do more. When I came out of that audition, even though I knew I didn’t do very well, I felt exhilarated and alive.

I’m also looking for opportunities to choreograph. Hopefully, a few openings will come my way so that I can still keep my hand in choreographing.

On the job front, many of the jobs that I’ve been looking at have not been interesting at all. But, last week, I had a meeting with a former boss who is offering me a chance to interview for a vacancy at her new company. I have my misgivings about the job, but I am flattered that I am remembered and recommended for a job. I will go to the interview and do my best. At least, it is a job in which I have some expertise and am able to do well, but it’s not completely boring or repetitive.

Ten days into the new year, and things are different from what they were 2 years ago. I seem to be returning to the performing arts, and the rat race does not hold much attraction for me any more. I’m still interested in working. I love my work. But, I don’t feel as competitive or as tightly concerned or invested in my work as I used to feel.

In 2010, I want a balanced and fulfilling life. I want to discover myself, push my boundaries, to have no fear, and to let myself bloom. I have held myself back for so long for whatever reason.

Perfect or not, 2010, here I come.

TV is NOT for Talking

It's not really true that TV does not encourage social interaction, although the confusion is understandable. You know why? Because of its unique features that requires you to both listen and watch at the same time. TV has brought dangers from the deep, new discoveries, laughter, love, breaking news and even cringe-worthy shenanigans of wannabe stars up-close and personal to us. TV has provided conversation fodder for the water-cooler. We banter, discuss, trade comments and opinions, consider feedback, and even re-enact the things we've seen on TV.

Wow! I bet you remember some heated, lively debate or discussion or conversation about some of your favourite TV shows, or the latest sensational news. And, how did you remember details? By watching and paying attention! You want meaningful conversation to go along with that great TV show? That's what advertisements and commercials are for! Wow ... Bet you never thought of that.

Of course, interjected comments like "Whoa! Mr Grimson did it in the parlour with the hammer??!!??" are allowed during the show. And, even adds to the spice of the show itself.

So, what am I ranting about?

I'm ranting about watching a show, and having to attend to conversation-starter type of comments or tolerate heckling, like:

"Oh! It's that guy who won Season 15 of that reality show! Who were the first 14 winners again? Mike, Sandy, Jane, David, .. no, not David ... David was Season 7, right? Who was the Season 4 winner again?"

"They so don't deserve to win! Don't you think so? They're cheaters! CHEATERS! OI! CHEATER! You only won because you cheated!"

"She looks like her father's grandchild. Don't you think? Well, what do you think? Don't you think so?"

"Oh! Who is that, and what are they saying? Why are they saying that?" To which, the only thing I could, but didn't because it would be so rude, say is "If you pay attention to what they're saying, all your questions would be answered. So, shut up and watch."


What's that you say? Just tune them out? Excuse me while I roll around on the ground laughing and crying in frustrated glee while pounding the ground with my milky-white hands.

Tuning them out just turns them on to sulking. And, for the entire duration of the show, this is what you'll be hearing:

"I KNOW it's David for Season 7. It must have been Anna for Season 4. And, then there's Julia, Robert, Patty, and THEN David, and then Nicholas, Nicola, oh! That was easy! Because it's Nicholas, male, right before Nicola, female! So, how did it go again? Mike, Sandy, Jane, Anna, Julia, Robert, Patty, David, Nicholas, Nicola ... The next season is starting soon, right? Right? The auditions have started already? Right? Right?"

All this while the commercial for the audition dates for the next season flashes on the screen.

And, then, someone decides to jump in by insisting you answer a survey list of questions WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO WATCH. And, then, as if they sense that you're irritated about being disturbed while watching the show, they go, "So, what time is the repeat for this show going to be shown?"

Why would I want to watch the repeat if I could watch it now? If I could watch it now, I wouldn't have to wait up till some insane hour of the morning JUST to catch the freaking repeat because someone ruined the original showing for me!

I admit. It got so bad, I couldn't be bothered to be nice and even pay lip service during the commercial breaks. And, throughout the entire time of the show, the only thing I hear rolling ominously in the background, like the thunder that will herald the lightning bolt that will end the world, is a string of self-absorbed, stupid, ill-considered, mean and malicious comments about people they do not know, made upon the basis of gossip they heard somewhere from someone they are either desperately trying to impress or look up to so much that they must be right, and lobbed comments like, "The only reason you won is because your father is rich enough to buy the votes."

I can't believe I'm hearing this unsubstantiated crap. It's the same kind of crap reasoning that other people used against my father, and now someone in my family thinks that they can do it, too?

What the hell happened to proving your goddamned lies, err, sorry, facts, with actual evidence? And, no, just because they're too pretty for your liking doesn't mean that they are automatically guilty. And, just because their brother, uncle, cousin or whatever once made a mistake leading to their car being re-possessed, or whatever, it doesn't mean that the whole family is in debt.

Morons.

Your stupid, mean, malicious, jealousy-ridden remarks DO NOT MAKE ME WANT TO TALK TO YOU!

I am reminded of why I prefer to watch boxed DVD sets, and why I like watching them alone in my room.

TV can be such a great tool for bringing people together, and providing great conversation fodder, and helping you see how other people think.

But, only if you shut up and pay attention first.

You have been warned.