Life is a Cabaret

On Tuesday last week, I received an event invite from a friend on Facebook. It was for an audition for a local production of "Cabaret".

Almost 20 years ago, while I was studying in KDU, my division put up an abbreviated production of "Cabaret" for the Malam Serbanika (Variety Night) inter-division competition. It was my first official foray into the performing arts, and it was the first time that my singing skills were acknowledged. I didn't get the lead, but I sang all the songs for Sally Bowles, the main character. "Life is a Cabaret" still remains one of my favourite songs.

The audition call gave me a jolt. It reminded me, prodded at me, and ... set off a chain reaction that I'm still trying to figure out today.

One of the requirements of the audition was to sing "Life is a Cabaret". It's a bloody difficult song. For me, at least. I haven't sung that song since college. And, that song is so iconic; it has become synonymous with Liza Minnelli in her role as Sally Bowles in Bob Fosse's award-winning film version of the musical.

If you have not seen this movie, you MUST! The choreography is simply divine!

I stared at the audition page, and was almost overcome with longing.

I want to audition. I want to, at least, try my best and be a part of this again. I want the lead role! Okay, take a step back, let's be realistic.

I took a realistic look at myself:

• Have not been practising singing much. Those high notes delivered in diva belting style ... those are gonna be tough.
• I don't have enough time to prepare the song (But, I could always just whack it! Try my best and have no regrets!).
• I'm fat. No, I really am. Okay, fine. I'm chubby. I'm not looking very dancer-ish these days.
• I have problematic knees.
• Have not been practising dancing much these past few months, and my form is terrible.

I thought, "Maybe, I should give this a miss. After all, the plan was to make myself better. Look inward, heal myself, give myself time to practise, get back to basics, and come back stronger and more skilled."

On a whim, I wrote on the event's page - "I would love to audition, but I'm fat now :("

I'm not sure what reaction I was really going for. I did expect someone to say, "No! You're not fat!"

What did happen was that the friend who shared the event page with me said, "It's Cabaret. Not Chicago. Only Chicago needs the stick-thin dancers."

And, then, the Executive Producer for the show, or God, as she is known, commented with a terse command, "Goddess, please send in your bio to xxxxxxxxxx@email.com. Thank you."

There was full expectation, in her statement, of immediate compliance. So, I did. And, I got an audition slot on Sunday. And, on Saturday, I started panicking.

I played the song, downloaded the lyrics, and found out that 80% of the song is still in my head.

I practised, and sang the song in front of my boyfriend. Who was singularly unimpressed with my performance.

Critique:

• You're hitting the notes, but there's no emotion or modulation.
• You're too tentative on the high notes. You're not belting them out, or, at least, throwing them out there.

Ouch.

I drove around for a bit as I practised singing the song.

And ... I HIT THAT NOTE!

I was so excited, I sms-ed Ninja Cat immediately.

I practised again, and again, and again. And, then, I went to sleep.

Sunday morning - woke up, brushed my teeth, and did vocal warm-ups while showering.

As I drove to the audition venue, I sang in the car. Can I hit that note? Can I hit it again?

Went up to the audition venue, where I met a few familiar faces. I filled out the audition form, and warmed up as thoroughly as I can.

The dance portion of the audition was no cakewalk, but I managed to get through it. I think I did alright there.

And, then ... the singing part of the audition.

I so did not want to be the first to go. I was jittery and nervous. As I was filling out my audition form, we watched the first group finish the singing portion of their audition.

Everyone has to sing... in front of EVERYONE.

Some of these singers are professionals. You can hear the control in their voice as they teased the notes out, made it sound sexy, flirty, and made that song sit up and beg at their command.

I knew that if I waited till the end, I'll lose energy and become deflated. So, I told myself to bite the bullet and go.

I was the fifth or sixth person up.

I walked up to the piano, and the pianist asked me, "Are you ready?"

I gave a silly grin, and said, "No."

Then, I stepped back, and, two bars early but the pianist went along with it, I started singing.

After the first part of the song, the Executive Producer stopped me and said, "The next part, I want you to sing it sad."

I tried my best to sing it sad. And, then, the song picked up momentum. All those high notes ... they're coming!

And, I thought, "There's no escaping the high notes. And I can't slow down. Screw it. I'm going for it all the way."

I cheated ... in a way. I closed my eyes. And, I sang.

And, my voice sounded so different to my ears. From slightly shaky to full and round, I could hear my voice growing not just in loudness but also in volume.

Did I imagine it, or did my voice really reach the rafters in the ceiling? I felt as if my voice was expanding out of me. Expanding above me, to the left of me, and beyond me.

And, that last, crucial, difficult, high note ... I went for it. And, I slammed it.

Out of the corner of my eye, as I held that last note for all I was worth, I saw someone stop what they were doing and turn to look at me.

And, when I stopped, there was clapping. Applause. Oh, my god. Did I just sing all that?

I opened my eyes, and it felt like a spell was broken. I was me again.

But, oh! That song! That audition! I've never felt that way, and I don't think I've ever sung that way. That is the first time I let myself go during a singing audition.

I don't know how I did, but I am so happy I did it! I want to do it again. And, I want to learn how to do it so that I don't have to close my eyes to get there.

The Executive Producer liked what she saw and heard well enough to make me learn another song, and do a cold read.

.... *breathe* ....

I am so in love with me right now. I let go. I forgot (as much as I could). I don't know, and am not sure I really care, how I sounded.

Because, finally, FINALLY, I was able to forget myself and just .... sing.

Singing ... Of all the performing arts disciplines that I engage in - singing, acting, dancing, writing - singing is the one in which I feel the most self-conscious.

This audition has given me a blast to the past, reminding me of the way I was, of what I was capable of, and what I am capable of now. It reminds me of my current journey back to the person I was, tempered by the person I am, to regain and refine some of the things I had in my youth. Like, pure, uninhibited, uncensored, unreserved joy.

It reminds me that I'm on the right path, and my journey is unfolding as it should, and that I should never give up. Even if I don't get a role, and even if I never get to where I hope I'm going, this path that I am on, and its attending trials and successes, tells me that it's a journey well-worth having.

I'm having a ball of time. And, maybe, that's what this is all about.

It's all about the journey.