The Goddess Trips

A New Book

2011-10-25T04:12:00.001+08:00

The past few weeks have opened up a lot of things for me. Mostly, cans of worms. But, also boxes of hope.

Today, I started a new book.

I have been remiss in updating this blog. But, I don’t feel like taking it down. It’s still relevant to me. Maybe, because I feel like this blog helps me stay me. Even if I do censor myself quite a bit.

But, that’s okay. Because, today. I started a new book.

But, for The Goddess Trips, the chapter continues.

A Leap of Faith

2011-08-01T04:53:00.001+08:00

Today, I took a leap of faith.

I write a lot of stories in my head, some of which actually make it on paper. Of the ones that are written, only a few make it out to the public. Sometimes, I only let one person read them. Sometimes, they go on stage.

It’s just my personal thing – I don’t like letting stories out until they’re ready, or complete, or sound, or whole. Not until it’s good enough. That’s why most stories don’t make it from my head to the paper – they’re just pieces of stories, little scenes that are dramatic or cute, but don’t really make sense without a prologue or epilogue. They’re just sound-bytes or the wind whistling by. Meaningless.

Well, I’ve taken a leap of faith with two of my scripts. I made t decision to submit them to international short play festivals. I’ve sent off two. And, I’m crossing my fingers that at least one, if not both, will be accepted to one of the festivals. If not all.

I’m optimistic, hopeful, but also realistic. I have competition in the thousands. But, somewhere, someone will be touched by my stories and scripts.

I will keep writing and submitting, and sharing, until that happens more and more frequently.

Make That Change

2011-07-28T00:20:00.001+08:00

In a world of imperfections, and in a universe filled with contradictions, I am beginning to realise that the only thing I can change is me.

If I want to change others, if I want to help others, then I have to change myself first. I have to help myself first.

So, that I can become a better person who is more capable of helping, teaching and guiding others to their fullest potential.

I am the change I want to see in the world.

My work begins today.

Clean Hands

2011-07-11T01:38:00.001+08:00

I feel compelled to write this.

On Saturday, 9 July 2011, thousands of Malaysians gathered to march in the streets of Kuala Lumpur as a show of their support and determination for free and fair elections.

I was not one of them.

The reports and accounts were horrifying and sobering. Mainstream media were painting the Bersih 2.0 rally as anti-government, and a calculated move to tarnish the country’s reputation in the eyes of the world.

But, then, the mainstream media is controlled by the government. A whole different story emerges when you read alternative media and international news. And, a pretty grim picture emerges when you hear first-person accounts of what went down on 9 July 2011.

Photos and videos have made their way onto Youtube.com, and I hope that many more photos, videos and first-person accounts are shared.

I watched, a silent observer, several Youtube videos from individuals and international news channels of civilians standing before water cannons, fleeing from teargas, and being groped, pulled, punched, kicked and manhandled by police officers.

I saw youths, grown men and women, even grandmothers, marching on the streets. I saw a man resolutely holding a small Malaysian flag in front of him as he faced down a water cannon.

I have lived in fear for my family for many years. Keeping quiet, keeping a low profile, because I was afraid of the repercussions to my parents and my family. I felt it would be selfish of me to take away what little stability they had at the time by pursuing what I perceived to be an individual passion.

So, like other passions, I kept it locked inside. But, actions speak louder than words, don’t they?

And, this article in The Malaysian Insider proved that the pen is mightier than the sword. And, it returned to me some of the pride I felt I had lost when I decided not to join the Bersih 2.0 rally.

Does it matter whether only 5, 50, 500, 5000 or 50,000 showed up? The fact that Malaysians of all races and cultures came together to speak as one and to march together already speaks volumes about the severity of the problem and the necessity to change.

The clampdown started a few days in advance. The roadblocks were distressing, to say the least. And, maybe, it did deter some from participating. But, many did participate. Despite the lockdown on KL City, many thousands participated.

And, each step they took was the sound of one more voice in Malaysia crying out to be heard. Each step they took gave voice to one more Malaysian who was too afraid, for his family, his parents, his children and his life, to walk with them. Each step was a testament, a promise – we’ve come this far, and we can go further.

If anyone wanted to see 1Malaysia in action, then take a good look at Bersih 2.0. All of Malaysia is asking for clean elections, and all the Malaysians marching in that rally stood as one.

Am I safe here at home? While others marched for my right for clean elections? To ensure that my vote is heard, and not discarded or discounted through means other than a fair and honest vote?

The Malaysians who so bravely marched on Saturday have spoken more eloquently than any other politician or representative of the people ever could.

By all accounts, none of them resisted arrest. They knew the risks and they went willingly.

For us who stayed at home, my struggle is this – are we unconsciously, through fear of repercussion, supporting a government we actually wish would serve us better? Are we keeping quiet even though we secretly support the official aim of Bersih 2.0 because of fear or apathy? And, just because we did not march, does that mean that we do not want the same thing?

We wash our hands of things. Does that make us any less accountable for what happens next?

My hands are not clean. I have allowed others to march, in my absence. No, in my predetermined decision to NOT walk or march alongside others.

Clara Chooi was right.

It doesn’t matter how many marched. They marched. And, we heard them. We saw.

It’s time to get those hands dirty. Roll up those sleeves. Get those fingers working.

Redemption is possible for all of us.

And, it starts with getting registered as a voter. You may have feared taking to the streets on 9 July 2011.

Don’t be afraid to go to the polling stations and cast your vote, yourself, in person, at the next General Elections.

We may not have marched with our feet on 9 July 2011. But, we can still march … with our votes.

Don’t let the march be forgotten. Don’t let the light of the struggle go out.

And, one day, all our hands will be clean.

Heart & Soul With The Phil

2011-07-11T00:27:00.001+08:00

The same week that I'll be acting in Dancing at Lughnasa, The Philharmonic Society of Selangor (aka The Phil) will be holding their annual concert, this time titled "Heart & Soul".

The choir has been practising for months, and I helped Empress with the choreography for the Michael Jackson medley. They've been putting in extra practise to make sure they deliver a stellar performance, and it's all for charity.

So, if you're feeling down and need a little pick-me-up, get yourself a ticket (or two; bring a friend!), and come on over to The Phil's concert!

And, afterwards, you can come and watch Dancing at Lughnasa! :)

The Phil's Heart & Soul Charity Concert 2011 E-Flyer

2011-07-11T00:15:00.001+08:00

Come and watch The Phil's Charity Concert!

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Refund, Please

2011-07-07T03:04:00.001+08:00

An ex once told me that he is cursed – all his exes go on to marriage, or at least an engagement, within a year of breaking up with him.

I feel like contacting him and asking for a refund.

I Wanted a Vespa

2011-07-07T00:52:00.001+08:00

Last year, I was walking around Desa Sri Hartamas, when I came across a curious sight.

At first glance, I thought, “It’s a kapchai!”

At second glance, I amended it to “It’s a cute kapchai!”

At third glance, I corrected myself. “It’s a Vespa!”

I’d heard about it before, and now I find myself talking about it as if it were a mythical beast. But I can’t remember ever having seen a Vespa out of a TV commercial. I’d never seen one in real life before.

And, here one was. In vintage condition, it seemed like!

Isn’t it cute? When I saw it, I went all gooey inside, like a Mars bar left out in the sun too long.

I thought to myself – I need to learn to ride a bike so I can get a Vespa for my own!

And, then, practicality set in.

How am I going to transport all my production stuff? What will I do if it rains?

I guess, perhaps, the Vespa will have to wait until I have enough money to have one as an alternative to the car. Maybe, when it’s sunny out, and all I want to do is run to the shops.

So, it joins the ranks of a Mac, 32” computer monitor, a hand-held projector, and laser eye surgery in my Wish List.

Bitterness

2011-07-04T00:30:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, thoughts just loom up without warning or invitation. My mind seems to be fighting me a lot these days.

Don't think it, but you do. Don't analyse it but you do. It's like a scab that you just keep picking at.

A part of me wants to call him and scream at him.

Instead, I'm screaming on my blog.

If a tree falls in the forest, does it still make a sound if no one is around to hear it?

If I scream on cyberspace, does anyone hear me?

Feeling Sentimental

2011-06-24T00:00:00.001+08:00

Actually, the word I wanted to use is “jiwang”. But, I’m not sure how to exactly define it.

Jiwang means sentimental, melancholic, lovey-dovey, lost in love, but, now that I think about it, I would define jiwang as love-lorn.

For some reason, I’ve been feeling especially jiwang the past week. I don’t know why. Maybe, it’s just an after-effect of the end of my relationship.

Maybe, it’s just a phase. In any case, I will grow out of it soon. But, at the moment, it feels really nice to be daydreaming and hoping.

A Somewhat Bewildered Rant

2011-06-10T03:16:00.001+08:00

Today, I set myself on a strict timetable. I cannot be late for rehearsal, I said. I should try my best to be on time and be prepared for rehearsals. That means, coming in early to warm up. I’ve got a lot to accomplish if I want to perform well.

I arrived at rehearsal venue with about a half hour to spare. So, I made a game plan:

3 minutes to place food order

5 minutes for food to arrive

12 minutes to eat everything

5 minutes for a ciggie break

And, I had 5 minutes to grab a bottle of water and head upstairs to the rehearsal room. I’m power-walking, and making a beeline for the shop counter. And, I notice someone staring at me. Kind of sitting up straight at a table, her right side towards me, and she’d kind of turned her head to look at me.

I didn’t notice her until I was 2 steps away from her, and it was only because she was staring at me. I looked down, and saw her looking at me, and my kneejerk reaction was “Hey!”

She replied, “Hi…”

And, I was moving past her to get to the counter because she was seated at the table nearest the counter.

And, I hear this voice kind of quietly saying, “Hi.”

I turned, and saw her, and I did a quiet double-take, my mouth hanging open, because I really didn’t see her there. And, I said, “Hey! I didn’t see you there!”

Except, she wasn’t even looking at me. She just took a sip of her drink, eyes on table, and responded with “Yeah.”

What the hell is up with that rudeness? Did the two of them sit there, and judge me? Saying that I was ignoring them on purpose? Is that why the first girl, who hardly ever talks to me, was looking straight at me? And, if you’re going to say “Hi”, why aren’t you looking at the person you’re talking to?

I stopped walking, and was going to continue the conversation, except she snubbed me again.

What’s up with that? I had come to her before with an apology that she had already decided she won’t accept. She reduced the importance, meaning and value of our friendship, and valued it only worthy of a blank face with intention to not respond or reciprocate. She had no intention of accepting my apology, much less even giving me a fair chance of being heard out.

I spent a week in a very awkward and painful situation, listening to her snipe, sneer and gloat at every perceived or otherwise little mistake I made.

Well, her circle of friends have certainly made known their allegiance. Which is a topic for another’s day rant.

I’m not sure why I feel hurt at her latest display of bad behaviour. Maybe, it’s because when I saw her, my first instinct was to say “Hi!”

Not sneer or snub.

I’m being emo. Time for bed.

A Moment of Random Reflection

2011-05-29T20:07:00.001+08:00

I was in the rehearsal space for “Bars & Bedrooms” a few weeks back. I was supposed to be watching rehearsals. And, I was. But, in between the dance scenes, I kind of got distracted.

A perfectly understandable problem when you’re rehearsing in a space owned by an art gallery. Look at all the lovely pictures.

I had some fun doing “art perspective'” indulgences with my feet.

The actual artwork looks like this:

I love how it looks like an actual stool, but it’s actually a 2D artwork.

After one particular rehearsal, some of the cast and crew stayed back and we had an extended post-rehearsal hang-out session. We talked about which art piece we would love to bring back with us. I wouldn’t mind the stool if I could figure out a way to stage it in my home so that people get fooled into trying to sit on it.

Time to Get Smart About Phones

2011-05-26T01:40:00.001+08:00

A number of my friends have asked me why I have not gotten myself a smartphone yet, considering how crazy I get about tech stuff and gadgets. I am a gadget freak, but I can’t justify buying something that I don’t really need or will use.

I have been thinking about buying a smartphone for the past couple of years. But, several things have held me back:

My phone habits – I only do calls and SMSes. Nothing else.
I hate reading on small screens.
I don’t play games on my phone.
I don’t like listening to music on my phone because of the small playlist and because it’s so tedious loading up the music on my phone.
I don’t like the camera features on existing phones.
I don’t like the fact that HD video recording was not available.
I like my phones slim and small. I don’t like bulky phones.
I’m okay with typing out long SMSes on my bare basics phone, but I hate writing on it. Does this make sense? I love to write, but I like writing on paper or on a keyboard. Maybe, I should get an iPad instead?

I also didn’t like any of the smartphone models then available. But, now, with some pretty impressive models in the market, I’ve been re-thinking my stand on smartphones:

Better camera features means I won’t have to carry a separate camera.
I can buy foldable keyboards for the smartphone.
Fast internet connectivity (although I will have to study data connection packages to figure out if it’s worth it)
Bigger storage space for music and stuff.
Better apps.
Bigger screens.
Reducing the number of things I usually carry in my handbag – from camera, iPod Touch, notepad and phone to just one phone.

I haven’t done much research on new and upcoming models. But, I’m looking for the following things:

Phone calls, SMSes, MMSes
3G and tri-band connectivity for international roaming
Camera with at least 5 mega-pixel, flash and a wide-eye lens
Camera with HD video recording (in full HD)
Music/MP3 player (I can live without FM radio)
Calendar
A really LOUD alarm
Touch screen preferably (will consider slide-out keyboard or candybar keypad)

Thing is, I don’t really want an iPhone, and I am not into Blackberries. I guess that I might eventually go with the iPhone since I have an iPod Touch already, and I’m used to the interface. But, I don’t really want a phone that’s so ubiquitous. I have been considering the HTC. Several of my friends have a HTC phone, and I’m pretty impressed by its design.

It’s a big step, and I keep hearing rumours about new models coming out. So, I’ll just keep researching until I find a phone that truly steals my heart.

Random. Point?

2011-03-10T01:11:00.003+08:00

If you don't follow the advice you'd give to others, does that make you a hypocrite?

If you're in a relationship and you feel alone, does that mean you're basically still single?

Stress cannot cause hormonal imbalances. True or False?

If you spout a worry and the other person just stares at you, does that mean you're just talking crap?

If nobody is really concerned with how you feel, then is it true that you are probably over-reacting and being too self-absorbed?

Surgeries are performed everyday. If you need to go for one, suck it up, quit whining, and don't blame it on the job.

Are you here for the team? Or, is the team here for you?

How much would you sell your uterus for?

There is something really off and wrong with me.

I Am Number 3

2011-03-03T23:24:00.003+08:00

I liked the book "I Am Number 4" well enough, and was a bit excited to hear that the movie was coming out. The story was interesting enough although the plot was rehashed cookie-cutter stories of coming-of-age hero stories. Still, I thought that worse come to worse, I'll just gawp at Alex Pettyfer as he struts his fineness across the silver screen.

That boy is too young to look as hot as he does.

I've given up pretending that I'm actually an alien child, and that my wonderful, super-human, alien parents will one day swoop down in their UFO and take me home where I find out that I'm actually normal.

But, talking about the movie with Feather made me think. Am I a Number Four?

Actually, I'm a Number 3.

When people ask me if I'm the oldest or youngest in the family, I always feel compelled to say, "First daughter, second child". I'm not the oldest child, but I'm the oldest daughter, right? And, maybe because Oldest Brother wasn't around much, I ended up running around after my middle sister a lot. So, I do sometimes feel like the oldest child who has to take care of all her younger siblings.

But, am I Number Two?

If my brother had survived, I might be saying, "First daughter, third child". My second brother died two weeks after he was born. I used to wonder what he would be like. If he still lived, he'd be one year younger than my oldest brother, and I'd be one year younger than him.

I think we would have tried killing each other a lot.

Then, when we got older, we'd have gotten into a lot of trouble together (extrapolated from the lots of trouble my only older brother and I got to on our own). We'd be the Terrible Trio.

If I had stayed Number Three, those bad aliens would never be going after Alex Pettyfer.

Because I'd kick their butts but good. How? Dude, I'd have TWO older brothers to teach me how to defend myself.

Those aliens better watch their butts.

The Darkness at Noon

2011-03-02T23:04:00.005+08:00

Today, a friend shared with me her worries for a friend who had fallen into severe depression. A gregarious fellow known for his good cheer, he had inexplicably become so severely depressed that he has lost all interest in life, and has even expressed his intention to commit suicide.

Her tale brought some thoughts back to mind that, while not unpleasant, are not exactly comfortable or comforting either.

Her tale reminded me of my own struggle with depression.

When I was 17, I was officially diagnosed by a psychologist with clinical depression. He recommended that I be checked into a mental ward for at least a week for treatment. I heard the words "mental ward", and immediately said, "No".

Sometimes, I wonder how my life would have turned out if I had said "Yes" to that instead. Maybe, my recovery period would have been shorter and not as painful.

My mother readily agreed to my request, and did not push me to enter treatment at the ward. Maybe, she, too, did not want to deal with the stigma of a "mental ward". I went for weekly counselling sessions instead. I also went to the gym, as part of the "Stop Being Anaemic" plan suggested by another doctor.

The sessions, both gym and counselling, worked in a way, but seemed to have no overall or lasting effect. In between the highs of each session, in between thinking, "Yes! I can do it!", is not so much the thoughts of apathy but the feelings of absolute deject, hopelessness and misery.

They pull you down with a force that rivals black holes. Gravity is not a friend.

You stand in the brightest noon with the heat of the sun beating down on you, and it feels like you're in the midst of darkest midnight.

You know the sun is shining, but you wonder why you don't feel it. You know life is worth living, but you don't feel it.

You don't really feel much of anything at all, which is why that taste of the serrated blade against your skin is particularly sweet and exquisite. It is the sigh of a breath held too long. It is the smile of your shoulder as it sets that burden down. It is the absolution of cool water on a hot day.

It is catharsis, and it feels like life.

You're know you're breathing, but you're not alive. You're not dead, but you want to be because you deserve it. You deserve that long rest. You deserve that escape.

I was really productive during those years. I wrote pages and pages in a single day. I even wrote poetry (badly).

Sometimes, when I remember those days, I think to myself, "Wow. The only things I was missing were really heavy eye-liner and black lipstick."

How did my friends ever stand me?

I cannot remember how many plans I brought to the brink of execution and failed to follow through. I felt like a failure for not being able to do it, and I hated myself more for it. Each time I tried and failed, I fell ever lower in my own esteem. I've only had one serious attempt, and, even that one, I still sometimes feel like I hate myself because I couldn't even do that right.

I am so worthless, I can't even kill myself. What irony.

I always thought I'd be dead before I turned 25. When I turned 27, I had an unexpected triumph. I had defied my father to do something I really wanted. Soon after that triumph, I was walking along a square. The sun was shining, and I looked up at the sky that looked so much like home, but isn't. And, I thought to myself, "I have a future. I think I might actually live past 30, or even reach 50!"

I started thinking that I might even have to start worrying about a retirement fund!

How did it happen? That, after 10 years, I finally felt the sun again.

Sometimes, I still feel like there's a band of darkness inside me. I'm still wondering what to make of that.

When I did my Master in Clinical Psychology (ironic, isn't it?) a few years ago, I came across a few interesting studies in the treatment for clinical depression.

Electro-Convulsive Therapy.

Otherwise known as electric shock therapy. If you're old enough, you can refer to those images of Jack Nicholson strapped on a bed and convulsing from the electric shocks passed through his brain from two paddles strapped to his head.

Nowadays, Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT) has undergone a change. It has emerged from its dark days where it became synonymous with torture. It was first found to be effective for those suffering from Post Partum Depression. Further studies found it effective for those with severe depression.

And, nowadays, ECT is administered to the patient while the patient is unconscious, and by trained therapists only.

I wish ECT was available when I needed it.

I find myself here, instead. I look back on those days, and I wondered how the brightest, hottest noon could ever feel like dark Siberia. My brain has changed, and I am so happy and relieved that it has. I don't think that "suffering from depression" is completely accurate. I think "drowning from depression" is more on the mark because "suffering" suggests a self-ability to heal oneself that comes with effort.

"Drowning" feels like a fight for life, a heroic struggle to stay afloat, to take one more breath, and hold it while you go under one more time. Your muscles are tired, but you can't give up because your body won't let you. And, then, your mind won't let you. And, then, your spirit won't let you. And, at the end, the only thing that won't let you die is some unknowable force that somehow helps your feet find purchase in fluid water and helps you rise up for one more gasp of air.

It is tiring. It wears on the body. It strains at the mind. And, it depletes the spirit. And, you are tired, body, mind and soul. So tired. Please stop. I can't take one more step. Please let me sleep. Please let me rest. Please let me wake up no more.

I tried faking it till I made it. I think that freaked out my friends and made some of them stay away. Do I like myself? No. But, I came to be comfortable with myself. Listening to my thoughts, becoming friends with them.

Short-term projects worked. For some absurd reason, I feel compelled and obliged to stay till the end of the project. "Then, I can go", I thought.

I think this is why I love my age, even though sometimes I have to stop and think to remember how old I am. I never expected to get this far, literally, in life.

But, here I am, and I'm still here. I'm planning to staying as long as I like. And, I like ... very much.

Bring It

2011-02-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

Today, I went out for a dinner appointment. As I passed by the living room, I noticed that my father had a guest. They were eating pizza in front of the TV. I nodded a pleasant hello since they were in conversation. And, then as I passed by the seating area near the TV space, I noticed that the guest had brought his family, and they were sitting down having pizza for dinner as well. I nodded a pleasant hello and walked out.

Then, when I reached my car, I noticed a big, white thing sitting right in front of the gate. In the driveway. Blocking my way. It was their car. Ten thousand parking spaces right beside my house, and where do they park? Right in front of my house. Right in front of the freaking driveway and gate.

I took a breath, and made up my mind. I started my car, and hoped that whoever the driver is would notice and realise, because if I had to go in there to call the driver out, it will not be pretty.

The oldest boy came running out, saying "Sorry! Sorry!" I didn't give him a chance. I said to him, as friendly as possible (if that is at all possible), "Next time, use your brain lah. That's a driveway. For cars and people to come in and out. How are they supposed to do that if you're blocking the way?"

So, where did he move the car to? The parking spot right beside the driveway.

Why didn't he do that before?

What's up with people blocking exits and entrances? What's up with PARKING IN FRONT OF THE DRIVEWAY? You think no one's going to be coming in or out? HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT? What the hell is up with making assumptions like that?

I drove off fuming a little.

I told Ninja Cat what happened when I picked him up for dinner, and he said, "You told off your father's guest?"

I said, 'Yeah."

What's up with me? I told off my father's guest!

His guest's son, lah. But, still, what's up with me?

Last week, a colleague of mine relinquished her responsibility and basically withdrew her support services from a major project, and dumped it on my colleague without so much as a by-your-leave or even orders from the top. She just dumped it, just like that, because, in her own words, "We're not getting any budget from this."

My colleague, who is a junior, with no experience whatsoever in the support service that she provides, is left holding the bag on a major project.

My mind boggled. What a vindictive, malicious, and petty way of striking out? She has a beef with my boss, and she's taking it out on my colleague.

We're all working for the same company, and she decided not to do her job anymore, at least not for any project that my team is working on, because she hates my boss' guts.

I was all ready to pick a fight with her, until my colleague stopped me.

That woman has extinguished any last lingering bit of respect that I have for her. Her name is mud, and that's what she is.

MUD.

I was ranting to Ninja Cat, who looked somewhat distracted, uncomfortable, and non-plussed all at the same time. And, I said, "I'm turning into a real bitch. I have to leave this job before I really become one."

And, he replied, "That's what you said the last time."

I keep saying that, and I wonder why. The corporate bullying and office politics are starting to wear away my patience and my ability to be centred and focused. I go to sleep, seething with the need for revenge.

I tried a guided meditation yesterday, and I couldn't keep my mind focused.

I'm starting to amaze myself with how creative I can be with revenge, and I'm not proud of myself for that.

I'm dreading Monday, and having to bring my game face on. I hate it. I hate this. And, I'm so on the edge, I'm just waiting for someone to pick a fight with me.

The only thing I will say is, if anyone wants to start anything with me this week, they better bring it. Because I'm all packed with firepower and raring to let go.

Life is a Cabaret

2011-02-22T23:24:00.003+08:00

On Tuesday last week, I received an event invite from a friend on Facebook. It was for an audition for a local production of "Cabaret".

Almost 20 years ago, while I was studying in KDU, my division put up an abbreviated production of "Cabaret" for the Malam Serbanika (Variety Night) inter-division competition. It was my first official foray into the performing arts, and it was the first time that my singing skills were acknowledged. I didn't get the lead, but I sang all the songs for Sally Bowles, the main character. "Life is a Cabaret" still remains one of my favourite songs.

The audition call gave me a jolt. It reminded me, prodded at me, and ... set off a chain reaction that I'm still trying to figure out today.

One of the requirements of the audition was to sing "Life is a Cabaret". It's a bloody difficult song. For me, at least. I haven't sung that song since college. And, that song is so iconic; it has become synonymous with Liza Minnelli in her role as Sally Bowles in Bob Fosse's award-winning film version of the musical.

If you have not seen this movie, you MUST! The choreography is simply divine!

I stared at the audition page, and was almost overcome with longing.

I want to audition. I want to, at least, try my best and be a part of this again. I want the lead role! Okay, take a step back, let's be realistic.

I took a realistic look at myself:

Have not been practising singing much. Those high notes delivered in diva belting style ... those are gonna be tough.
I don't have enough time to prepare the song (But, I could always just whack it! Try my best and have no regrets!).
I'm fat. No, I really am. Okay, fine. I'm chubby. I'm not looking very dancer-ish these days.
I have problematic knees.
Have not been practising dancing much these past few months, and my form is terrible.

I thought, "Maybe, I should give this a miss. After all, the plan was to make myself better. Look inward, heal myself, give myself time to practise, get back to basics, and come back stronger and more skilled."

On a whim, I wrote on the event's page - "I would love to audition, but I'm fat now :("

I'm not sure what reaction I was really going for. I did expect someone to say, "No! You're not fat!"

What did happen was that the friend who shared the event page with me said, "It's Cabaret. Not Chicago. Only Chicago needs the stick-thin dancers."

And, then, the Executive Producer for the show, or God, as she is known, commented with a terse command, "Goddess, please send in your bio to xxxxxxxxxx@email.com. Thank you."

There was full expectation, in her statement, of immediate compliance. So, I did. And, I got an audition slot on Sunday. And, on Saturday, I started panicking.

I played the song, downloaded the lyrics, and found out that 80% of the song is still in my head.

I practised, and sang the song in front of my boyfriend. Who was singularly unimpressed with my performance.

Critique:

You're hitting the notes, but there's no emotion or modulation.
You're too tentative on the high notes. You're not belting them out, or, at least, throwing them out there.

Ouch.

I drove around for a bit as I practised singing the song.

And ... I HIT THAT NOTE!

I was so excited, I sms-ed Ninja Cat immediately.

I practised again, and again, and again. And, then, I went to sleep.

Sunday morning - woke up, brushed my teeth, and did vocal warm-ups while showering.

As I drove to the audition venue, I sang in the car. Can I hit that note? Can I hit it again?

Went up to the audition venue, where I met a few familiar faces. I filled out the audition form, and warmed up as thoroughly as I can.

The dance portion of the audition was no cakewalk, but I managed to get through it. I think I did alright there.

And, then ... the singing part of the audition.

I so did not want to be the first to go. I was jittery and nervous. As I was filling out my audition form, we watched the first group finish the singing portion of their audition.

Everyone has to sing... in front of EVERYONE.

Some of these singers are professionals. You can hear the control in their voice as they teased the notes out, made it sound sexy, flirty, and made that song sit up and beg at their command.

I knew that if I waited till the end, I'll lose energy and become deflated. So, I told myself to bite the bullet and go.

I was the fifth or sixth person up.

I walked up to the piano, and the pianist asked me, "Are you ready?"

I gave a silly grin, and said, "No."

Then, I stepped back, and, two bars early but the pianist went along with it, I started singing.

After the first part of the song, the Executive Producer stopped me and said, "The next part, I want you to sing it sad."

I tried my best to sing it sad. And, then, the song picked up momentum. All those high notes ... they're coming!

And, I thought, "There's no escaping the high notes. And I can't slow down. Screw it. I'm going for it all the way."

I cheated ... in a way. I closed my eyes. And, I sang.

And, my voice sounded so different to my ears. From slightly shaky to full and round, I could hear my voice growing not just in loudness but also in volume.

Did I imagine it, or did my voice really reach the rafters in the ceiling? I felt as if my voice was expanding out of me. Expanding above me, to the left of me, and beyond me.

And, that last, crucial, difficult, high note ... I went for it. And, I slammed it.

Out of the corner of my eye, as I held that last note for all I was worth, I saw someone stop what they were doing and turn to look at me.

And, when I stopped, there was clapping. Applause. Oh, my god. Did I just sing all that?

I opened my eyes, and it felt like a spell was broken. I was me again.

But, oh! That song! That audition! I've never felt that way, and I don't think I've ever sung that way. That is the first time I let myself go during a singing audition.

I don't know how I did, but I am so happy I did it! I want to do it again. And, I want to learn how to do it so that I don't have to close my eyes to get there.

The Executive Producer liked what she saw and heard well enough to make me learn another song, and do a cold read.

.... *breathe* ....

I am so in love with me right now. I let go. I forgot (as much as I could). I don't know, and am not sure I really care, how I sounded.

Because, finally, FINALLY, I was able to forget myself and just .... sing.

Singing ... Of all the performing arts disciplines that I engage in - singing, acting, dancing, writing - singing is the one in which I feel the most self-conscious.

This audition has given me a blast to the past, reminding me of the way I was, of what I was capable of, and what I am capable of now. It reminds me of my current journey back to the person I was, tempered by the person I am, to regain and refine some of the things I had in my youth. Like, pure, uninhibited, uncensored, unreserved joy.

It reminds me that I'm on the right path, and my journey is unfolding as it should, and that I should never give up. Even if I don't get a role, and even if I never get to where I hope I'm going, this path that I am on, and its attending trials and successes, tells me that it's a journey well-worth having.

I'm having a ball of time. And, maybe, that's what this is all about.

It's all about the journey.

Your Five Core Strengths

2011-02-18T18:02:00.003+08:00

One of the websites, The Gratitude Log, I subscribe to sent an interesting link today about discovering your five core strengths. They talked about how discovering your core strengths can lead you to streamline your life so that you get the most out of your life in terms of enjoyment, satisfaction and well-being.

I'm a bit surprised to find out that these are my five core strengths:

Creativity
Vitality
Kindness
Leadership
Humility/Modesty

I think I need to re-take the test again. You can find the test itself at Authentic Happiness, which promotes Positive Psychology. I'd actually explored that website before, but didn't do all the tests. I had to re-register because I forgot which email I used to register beforehand. But, that's okay. It's a clean start.

I'm very saddened to find out that my weakest points include:

Spirituality
Hope
Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence
Love
Bravery

I'm disappointed with myself. At this moment in time, the only thing I can say is that this is food for thought.

One Mad Kitty

2011-01-11T19:11:00.002+08:00

I love Pico. He's my cat. Not really my cat. More like one of the family cats. I brought him home as an older kitten, and he's absolutely gorgeous. Unlike the other cats, Pico is feisty. He's a fighter, an explorer, and he's not afraid.

He's also kind of stand-offish and aloof. In his younger days, he did seem more comfortable with me. Now, he treats me like a pariah doggy that needs to be tolerated with the barest of minimum patience. But, I put that down to the fact that I'm rarely at home to play with him. Although I'm the one who brought him home, Pico is a true loner; keeping to himself, being highly independent (even more than is cat-like), and does not seem to form affections or bonds much with others.

I have somewhat trained him to accept me. I make it a point to say his name and pet him for a while when I come home. Before, he would brace himself in angry fear. He has relaxed since then, and that's why I thought I'd made a major breakthrough with him when, one day, he returned my petting with meows and actual, physical action.

Instead of just sitting there and allowing me to pet him, he actually got up, jumped down from the chair, and started winding around my body, butting my legs with his head. I was overjoyed! My cat is bonding with me. So, I petted him some more.

There's momentous progress being made here!

And, then, he fixed his gaze on my hand ... and bit it.

I was crushed! I was shocked! My trust has been betrayed. I stood up, and Pico looked at me with an alarmed and quizzical expression on his furry, feline face.

"You bit me!"

"Meow!"

He trotted after me.

"No. You bit me!"

More meowing.

And, then, I thought, "Maybe, he's hungry."

The bite didn't break skin. It was just enough to let me feel his teeth against my skin, but there was no bruising and no blood.

So, we got the food out. And, Pico was running out the door, following the sound of the catfood rattling in the bag, like a kid running to the Christmas tree on Christmas Day.

I have one mad kitty. Would he meow for his food? No. He'll bite for it. And, he only started meowing when I moved away from him, and he saw his chance for dinner slipping away.

Next time, Pico, do a stand-up on your hind legs and beg with your two front paws. I'll not only feed you. I'll give you treats.

Bite me again ... and I'll get you spayed.

My Cheesecake is Better Than Yours

2011-01-08T01:11:00.005+08:00

Do you like cheesecake?

Do you like cheesecake from Secret Recipe or from Delicious? Or, you have another shop in mind that sells the absolute best cheesecake in the world, and you wouldn't dream of eating cheesecake from anywhere else?

Why do you like that cheesecake?

What makes that cheesecake better than all the others?

It's a cheesecake. You like cheesecake. Therefore, this cheesecake is the same. But, it's cheaper, so it's better. So, you better like it.

It's that old Finance tug-of-war. Why this supplier and not that supplier? Why not go with this supplier? They're cheaper! What's the difference in quality? I don't see a difference.

Between quality and price, one cheesecake is as good as another. So, take it, shove it in your mouth, and go, "Mmm! Mmm! Delicious!"

Finance doesn't understand why this supplier produces better work, artistically, aesthetically and professionally. They're more expensive, and they've never heard of them.

I found this really cool magazine, called Real Simple, that had an article about money management. It featured tips and advice from people. One of the few that stood out was, "If you buy something cheap, don't be surprised if it acts cheap."

Another one was, "Spend a little bit more money on good food and a good pair of jeans."

Or, something like that.

I think the basic principle behind the two pieces of advice is, "Be prepared to pay a little more for quality, because it will last longer and perform better."

I think I'm going to go and have a cheesecake now.

Yoga Killed My Butt

2011-01-07T00:39:00.002+08:00

My third yoga session for the week ... and I think my butt is dead. Intensive Body Sculpting is intensive muscle killer. A lot of static poses with a perky, chirpy instructor cheering you on with positive affirmations.

I'm sure I will come to hate him over the coming weeks.

But, it's such a great work-out.

I can't balance, and there are moves that I used to be able to do which are now difficult to do. I've lost a lot of strength, but I have gained some flexibility.

In any case, it's a good start. I just hope that I don't get discouraged or lazy. Next session, Friday night.

The Scent of Freedom

2011-01-06T00:35:00.003+08:00

I'm sitting in my room, wondering if I'm going to do yoga tonight, and trying to purge my brain of today's unsettling and upsetting events that keep replaying in my head.

My shoulders are so sore, and I can barely rotate them fully. Mobility in my shoulder has been reduced so greatly, I can only pull a shirt off with great care and much awkwardness.

Maybe, it would be good to take a night off of yoga. I can't bear to think of what my body will feel like tomorrow. Although, I do think it would have been a good idea to do yoga again. Maybe, in the morning, I'll do a quick session.

Which means, I should sleep NOW!

As I'm wandering around my room, wondering whether to do yoga, do one of my video projects, or any one of my other projects, and obsessing over the day's events, I took a deep breath ... and am well pleased to find the scent of lavender in the air.

I love my room freshener so much, I held off on refilling it because the stocker has moved shop and I can't find her shop anymore. I know there are other lavender scents in the market, but I love this one.

I inhale, and lavender surrounds me, and I feel so happy to smell a scent so pure, strong and freeing. I feel unburdened. And I feel free.

I can do anything I want. I can even do nothing, if that is what I choose.

So, tonight, I've chosen to just enjoy the time, and do nothing else but breathe ... for the moment ...

Acid is for Cowards

2011-01-04T15:44:00.005+08:00

Going through the news today, one news article caught my eye. It was about an 8-year-old girl returning to school. Nothing really remarkable about it except that this 8-year-old is still recovering from an acid attack.

And, her most frequent question to her mother and her doctors are, "When will my face get back to normal?"

I can't remember the details of this particular case. In the article, it simply stated that a relative threw acid at her face during a family quarrel.

There's been a spate of articles last year involving acid attacks. In one of them, the man who threw acid at a woman said that he did not know the damage that it would do and he was just angry when he did it.

It is unacceptable how irresponsibly cowardly these men are. Acid attacks are deliberate and the damage is forever. And, the physical damage is nothing compared to the mental torture and emotional and psychological trauma caused.

I remember one particular case where a man splashed acid on his ex-wife and his own daughter. He had asked his ex-wife to lend him money, and his ex-wife refused because of his history of borrowing money and not paying back. In retaliation, he splashed acid on them.

What a no-good, useless piece of trash and waste of human life.

I don't know how this man can even call himself a man. He can't even support himself, asks his EX-wife for money - money that feeds and takes care of his daughter - and, when refused, actually has the GALL to be affronted. Like, he has a right to his ex-wife's money.

I think these men should just be locked up, or thrown out of the country. They ruin the quality of men in this country. Useless idiots who sit around, scratching their balls, proclaiming how great they are, because they have balls to scratch, and insisting that it is only right that they are the ones with power and that women should do what they are told (You know why? So, that, when the men are wrong, the men can just tell them to shut up, and the men can continue pretending that they actually know what's right). And, yet, these useless idiots can't earn enough money to buy themselves a packet of nasi lemak. They depend on their women to feed them. So ... what was it again that made men better?

Ah, yes. A pair of balls to scratch.

And, then, when they see the damage they've done, they say, "Sorry! I didn't know it would do that."

Oh, my god! They're so stupid, they don't even know the damage they're doing even as they set out to HURT the other person!

Can we please delete their DNA from the gene pool?

These men are such cowards and ignorant, heartless and useless idiots. Their idea of proving their "superiority" and proving that they are right is by throwing acid. I'm sure in their hearts they are thinking, "Ha! Padan muka!" ("Serves you right!")

The malice of their actions, the spite in their hearts, and the lack of backbone in taking responsibility for their own actions and their own selves.

They run in, they throw the acid on their victims, and they run out, crowing with satisfaction in their hearts. They come back and see the damage they've done, and their balls shrink to the size of peanuts.

These are not men.

These are not even animals. Let's not insult animals.

These people are cowards, looking to assuage their anger in the most childish, immature, irresponsible way possible. They don't even have the guts to stand and face the person they're angry with, and speak their minds and what is in their hearts.

In their small, small hearts, they only dream of making their victims pay through any means possible.

And, in their small, small minds, with their small, small courage, they think of this heinous act and carry it through.

Where is the lynch mob when you need one? Where is the justice for these victims who now must spend a lifetime bearing the scars and evidence of one man's hatred, weakness, spite and cowardice?

In one of the cases, the Chief Minister, or equivalent, of the state visited the victims in the hospital. When he saw the little girl, he broke down in tears over the severity of her wounds.

One of the victims said that she will never forgive her ex-husband for what he had done to her and their daughter.

I am so glad that forgiveness is not mine to give in these cases. Because I have none to offer.

New Year Resolution - Part 1

2011-01-04T00:59:00.002+08:00

I was hanging out in Feather's office, gobbling down nasi lemak like there was an embargo on them, when ViPsC walked in with New Year greetings.

He caught me off-guard with his next question: "What's your New Year's resolution?"

My mind blanked out for a moment, and then my mouth blurted out, "Get more sleep."

He had an almost shocked look on his face, like he couldn't believe his ears. And, he asked me why.

I told him that I've been averaging 4 to 5 hours of sleep over the past few months, and, out of the corner of my eye, I could see Feather vigorously nodding her head in agreement.

His eyes widened in disbelief, and I think he thought I was pulling his leg or making things up. He asked why I've been getting so little sleep. And, I said, "Work!"

And, then, a thought hit me. Maybe, that's the main reason for my weight gain. I turned around to tell Feather that I think the reason I've been gaining weight is because I haven't been getting enough sleep.

ViPsC just turned around and left the room. Kind of abruptly.

And, I was wondering ... am I exaggerating?

Feather didn't think so. She's been getting the same thing, too. And, she said that not getting enough sleep may mean that my body is not getting enough rest to recover. Maybe, that's why my body is storing up fat. Because, it thinks it needs to go into fight or flight mode and needs to be sure to have convertible energy in store.

As much as it was off the cuff, I think that getting enough sleep and rest is a great New Year's resolution.

I've been going to work gritting my teeth, and the main thoughts cycling through my head has been about how stressful things are at work. I wake up in the mornings, and my first thoughts are about work, and how I dread the hard, tedious, thankless pushes ahead that I have to make today to make sure that things are executed accordingly to schedule and budget.

I'm going to get my 7 hours of sleep tonight. It's a little late tonight, but, I guess, tomorrow, I can practise putting speed make-up on.

And, maybe, in the morning, I'll wake up with a smile rather than a gritting of my teeth.

The First Day of the New Decade

2011-01-02T02:32:00.003+08:00

I've earned my rest. Yes, I have.

That's my excuse for staying in bed till 11am :)

But, the first day of the new year of the new decade was pretty good. Woke up, went out, and managed to find parking at The Bend. I surprised myself with the restraint I showed in IKEA. Didn't get much, only a couple of things to help me with my spring cleaning. But I KIV-ed some of the items in my head, that is, if space materialises in my room after the cleaning.

I even went and got myself flowers before I went home.

Had a nap, read my books and my magazines, and started spring cleaning.

The dust of 2010 is striking back maliciously. I've got the flu, and I'm sneezing non-stop because of all the dust.

On the bright side, my room is slowly but surely brightening up.

I plan to be ready for 2011. And, I've resolved to wear my heels again! I miss my shoes. I had to part ways with a few pairs because I decided that they were not worth the pain to wear. Some of the open-toed ones cut into my toes, and the strappy ones cut into my feet.

And some had been left in storage too long and have started to crack :(

Got a letter from Ninja Cat, and he sounds like he's having a nice time back home.

I've been trying out my psychic skills with some cards, and I'm planning to start praying and meditating this year. Something I've been meaning to start in June of last year.

So, how did 1 January 2011 go for you?

Last Day of 2010

2010-12-31T02:40:00.003+08:00

I think I'll mostly remember 2010 as the year that went by really fast. It seems amazing that suddenly, it was April, then June, and it just accelerated from August onwards.

Did I really fill my days that much? It just felt like life went on fast forward, and time just zipped by.

Some resolutions were kept better than others, while others kicked into gear, died, then revived itself again.

I think I'll remember 2010 for many endeavours, some losses, some wins, and a heckuva experience. Some of the things I attempted did not turn out as well as I hoped or envisioned, but at least I tried them.

Some friends had to be un-friended (for lack of a better term), and not all were my choice. It makes me question what friendship is, and I think friendship is just like love. It can't be described or have its essence captured in a few short lines (even on a t-shirt), and it can never be wholly explained in a master's thesis-long paper.

I have not crystallized my feelings and thoughts on this, but I do realise that as time goes by, I will add, subtract, append and discover more meanings and facets to this thing called "friendship".

One of the stand-outs of 2010 for me is, unfortunately, a negative one. It can be positive, too ... I guess. Once I get over the hurt of it.

Did I do something wrong? I did not even confront her in front of other people. I pulled her aside and told her how I felt, about how much her words hurt me. And, when I went to apologise to her, she set her face and her heart in stone and just stared at me blankly.

An experience I had been looking forward to for a couple of months turned to a bittersweet episode for me. I did not believe before that this person was capable of malicious sarcasm, ill grace, bad manners and holding a grudge. I thought that she needed space to work through her anger. Although, I am perplexed.

This may be my ego speaking. But, if she did me wrong, and I talked to her about it, and I didn't even make it public, what exactly made her so angry at me that she refused to accept my apology to make things better?

What gave her the right to be angry at the person she has wronged?

Someone said, "Jealousy". But, I'm finding that hard to believe with all the successes and volume of work and recognition she's getting in her chosen field. After all that we'd been through, like helping her with organising a huge event, and all that, I can't believe that she let our friendship go because of .... what exactly?

Maybe she thinks that people always look down on her, so she decided to take a stand with me?

Her friendship meant so much to me. She was one of the few people I actively seek out, and who I always look forward to seeing. We supported each other in all our endeavours. When she did what she did, I really felt like I was stabbed.

And her influence and significance to me was enough to screw me up so much, I forgot everything I was supposed to do. I screwed up in practise. And I got so upset and angry at myself for being unable to hold it together during that practise and having such poor control over myself. I had practise till almost 3am that night, trying to get everything back.

This is what she meant to me.

This is what I meant to her.

She didn't even bother to wish me good luck for the following week's endeavour, or even the next. If I hadn't said "Hi" during that last week, I doubt she would have done so. If I hadn't smiled first, would she have?

And that wariness I felt from her in the past, is my over-sensitive mind just interpreting that as insincerity on her part now?

I'm a throw-away.

Maybe the moral of the story here is I should stop organising birthday parties for my friends.

So many things to purge before the New Year. I've got one more day. And, when 2011 arrives, I'm going to step into the new year with a fresh mind, renewed enthusiasm, no turmoil, and with life turned on 100%!

Just The Way You Are

2010-12-07T23:55:00.001+08:00

When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change. ‘Cause you’re amazing just the way you are. And, when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while. Because you’re amazing just the way you are.

How many times have we heard this and said it to ourselves and to our friends.

We are perfect, just the way we are.

But, there’s that dress in the closet that you know you’re going to wear once you lose a little bit more weight. There’s a pair of earrings that would look gorgeous on you, if only you had a party to go to. There’s this course you want to take, but you don’t know if you’re good enough to get in.

You’re good enough. And, you are perfect, just the way you are.

Why do we wait for some perfect moment or event to wear that dress, travel to a place, give ourselves a treat, or do something?

I’m in a somewhat melancholy mood because I’m doing spring-cleaning, and I’m coming across stuff I told myself I’d wear to a party, or wear during Raya, and they’ve been sitting in the closet for years.

I think it’s time we realise that this is the perfect moment, and we are at our best, and will become better still.

So, let’s make December a lively one. Let’s give 2010 a hearty send-out! It’s the last year of the first decade of the 21st century.

Let’s end 2010 the same way we’re going to begin 2011. With a whole lot of gusto and life.

Blinked Again

2010-11-27T02:08:00.002+08:00

Blinked again, and now it's the end of November. Where did the year go? So many resolutions, thoughts, and plans still left unexecuted and lying in dust. It's time to get moving!

Like writing in this blog.

The past 7 weeks have been very eventful. So many things have happened, but I can't talk about all of them. Some things have to be left unsaid.

Over the course of these past weeks, I have gone on a Habitat for Humanity trip, done Short+Sweet Festival, lost one friendship, wondering about another relationship, pondered about work and my future, and experienced very intense feelings of hate and anger.

There are times when I dust off the Exit Plan and put more thought and planning into it. Reseach on it has been a bit on the scant side. People don't seem to be sharing on the net. Or, maybe, it's because they can't share. Or, maybe, I'm using the wrong keywords.

The past few weeks, I have been consumed with feelings of anger and hate that have kept me awake at nights and bothered my days to intolerable distraction. Trying to pinpoint the cause and target of all that anger and hate has given me no small amount of anguish.

There has been days when I fantasize about how sweet the taste would be to feel skin ripping and shredding under the knife in my hand.

Some days, I'm waiting for someone to say the wrong word, or say something the wrong way, just so that I can have an excuse for pouncing on them.

I wonder what kind of total physical damage I can do, and what I can endure to achieve that goal.

I wonder if there's a reason to anything. And, I question why certain laws exist.

I am bitter, angry, hateful and inhuman in equal measures.

It feels tougher this time around. Maybe, it's because I don't really see a reward for forging on. And, I am tired of trying yet again.

Maybe, I should just try blinking again.

Blink of an Eye

2010-10-04T16:27:00.001+08:00

You blink and, suddenly, it’s October. Where did September go? But, now that September’s ended, has anyone tried waking Green Day up?

So much has happened in the past month. It’s been so jam-packed that I have not found the time to write in this blog. I can’t believe I only have 1 post for the entire month!

There’s been so many ups and downs, drama, trauma, action and other noteworthy moments.

For the past month, I’ve been in rehearsals for my dance piece “Parts of Infinity”. So much happening there, but I’m hoping that things will pull themselves together. I feel like maybe I took on too much of a challenge, and that we won’t be ready or polished enough. The dance still looks messy, and I’m wondering what else I can do to make it look better.

Got to find the time to savour every moment as well.

If I don’t watch it, the next blink will find me in December wondering where 2010 went.

Thinking About Thinking

2010-09-03T17:44:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, there’s so much going on that is stressful and worrying that it becomes difficult to think positive and see the brighter side of things.

Like the girl who comes to ask you for help, and gives a perplexed and then exasperated look, followed by a sneer, when you try to strike up a conversation with her as you’re carrying out the task that she asked you to help her with.

Judgemental crap like this can affect my day, but not for too long. My day is too valuable to waste fuming over one insincerity and pretentious sycophancy. What I hate is how I spend my next couple of hours, thinking to myself what I should have noticed, or done instead, or how I should have reacted and responded to her.

But, at the end of it, it’s all a pointless exercise, and the only one getting a beating is yourself, your peace of mind and your self-esteem.

Besides, it’s never right to say to yourself, “Next time, I won’t try to strike up a conversation.” Because, next time, you might be kicking yourself, saying “I should have spoken to him/her. I should have tried to get to know them. I should have been friendlier.”

It’s no one’s fault how that situation turned out. It could have played out a hundred different ways. Just because it didn’t turn out in the best way possible should be no reflection on you or the other person.

We all have a tendency to over-think things, trying to find blame or someone else to park the responsibility on.

There is nothing there. Time to start thinking about other things.

My Job

2010-08-27T13:00:00.001+08:00

More and more, I hate my job.

It Begins … Again …

2010-08-16T03:14:00.001+08:00

About a year later, the madness and excitement begins anew. About a year ago, eight dancers, plus me, were giddy with excitement and happiness at being selected to dance as one of the finalists for Short + Sweet Dance 2009. Who would have thought it? I dared to dream it and hope for it, but to expect it? Wow …

And, now, a year later, I’m doing it all over again. And, this time, I am going to do it differently. I’ve learned from last year, and I want to make the dance better and tighter this year. Most of all, this year, I want to have fun.

I spent too much time last year stressing out about whether I was good enough to be a choreographer, if my choreography was good enough, if our piece was strong enough. I spent a lot of the time hyperventilating in silence, and pretending to be calm and on top of things.

I wished that I had loosened up more and enjoyed the journey more.

This year, I’m more aware of my abilities and drawbacks, and about other people’s capabilities and potentials.

This year, I’m going all out and holding nothing back. Not even the bitchy parts.

This year, we’re coming out onstage at our best and at our strongest.

We’re holding nothing back this year, and we’re going all out.

Short+Sweet Dance 2010, people. Mark your calendars. Because the noise you hear will be Parts of Infinity bringing it.

Kuchi Rat Put Out To Pasture

2010-08-09T19:05:00.003+08:00

I carry three portfolios at work - project management, de facto executive assistant, and de facto office administrator and coordinator. So, a lot of my time is also spent on things like chasing suppliers to come in and change the light bulb in the room, get a phone line working, and faxing stuff, on top of work that I have to do for the actual portfolio that I was hired to do.

With so much work, especially on a junior admin level, I feel like a kuchi-rat, and have claimed it proudly. You gotta do it, you might as well take pride in it.

So, I've gone from plain kuchi-rat, to The Kuchi Rat, to Super Kuchi Rat, to Kuchi Rat Extraordinaire. And, I laugh about it because the alternative is to cry and stress out.

I do managerial level work, and junior clerk work. I'm like that high-tech machine that computes your taxes in 10 seconds or less, shoots photons torpedoes, and also does your windows and dishes.

I think one of my finest hours was when I was told via text message to come to this place at this time, today, to attend a meeting. And, I went, without knowing what the meeting was about or what I'm supposed to do there, or why my attendance was required.

I was completely clueless. I came into the meeting room, and sat at the back, waiting for the previous meeting's participants to gather their things, exit, and allow the next meeting's participants to come in and get set up. One of the people there asked me what I was doing there. And, I really didn't know what to tell him. As it is, I myself didn't know what I was doing there. So, I replied as honestly as I could.

"I was told to be here at this place by this time, so, like a good kuchi rat, here I am."

They laughed uproariously. I guess they've been where I am, too, and empathise.

A week or so ago, I made the same reference to Kuchi Rat, and got told off by a colleague for using that term to refer to myself.

So, I posted a new message on one of my status bars - "Aragang is officially retiring the term "Kuchi Rat" from her informal resume. Dah kena marah :P"

And, a friend started a conversation because of that status message.

Friend: Who or what is a kuchi rat?

Me : I am a kuchi rat. To be more specific, * I * am a Kuchi Rat Extraordinaire. Kuchi rats are traditionally those little people who do demeaning work like filing, photocopying, faxing, answering phones ... you send them to buy coffee from Starbucks while you discuss multi-million dollar deals with MNCs. But, without kuchi rats, the gears just won't turn and the whole office comes to a stand still.

Kuchi rats are small fries whose names never make it to the line of credits in a movie, or to the Acknowledgements page on the souvenir programme book.

Friend: And you are one?

Me : Yes. I am one. But, I have achieved mastery. I am Kuchi Rat Extraordinaire.

Friend: So, why did you kena marah? (Scolded)

Me : Because my colleague got sick of hearing it, and she says it's because it's so not true. She says that I am not a kuchi rat, my opinion matters, i'm good at my job, and she's sick of hearing me call myself that. So, no more kuchi rat extraordinaire jokes for me, at least, in the office.

Friend: Aww ... I value you! ... If I hired you you would not be doing kuchi rat things. At least not in an overtly kuchi rat way. ... I think all of us do at one point ... phone calls need to be made ... photocopying has to be done, and sometimes the interns are nowhere to be found ... not that I would offload work on interns

And, it's true. Kuchi rat work, no matter how small, still needs to be done. So, to all the kuchi rats out there, big and small, in the closet or scurrying proudly around the office ... scurry about with your head held high!

You are kuchi rat. And, without you, your boss won't be able to function without her morning latte.

You are Kuchi Rat. And, without you, nothing would get done.

We appreciate you, and salute you.

Hail, Kuchi Rats!

An Economy of Words

2010-08-03T16:39:00.003+08:00

I received a message from a former boss recently. He's a good conversationalist, sharp, and very able in navigating social niceties and protocol. He gets right to the point, and conveys a lot of meaning and message in his words and the way he says it.

That's why I had to laugh when I read the message he sent me:

BB
How are you?
Keep in touch
warmest regards

That's almost a haiku!

And, just like that, I am transported back to my Sutera days :)

I'd write a paragraph, at least, with proper grammar and sentence construction. There might even be a smiley face or two. But, my former boss? He just needs three words MAX per line/sentence!

Now, THAT's an economy of words!

Yes, Vacations Are Different

2010-07-26T17:56:00.002+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was tired, cranky, stressed out, and believed that what I really needed was 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and a weekend spent being lazy and indulgent. I'd decided to cancel a trip to Penang so that I could do so.

Ninja Cat's response was, "Wouldn't a vacation be the perfect thing for you right now?"

I did think it would be a good holiday. But, I was also thinking of the 5-hour drive, each way, and how tired I would be. And, how it wouldn't really be restful for me if I was driving for 5 hours the day before I get back to work.

In the end, though, after talking to Ninja Cat about it, I decided that it would be good to get out of town, and that all I have to do is make sure I get 8 hours of sleep on Sunday so that I'll be all ready to tackle Monday.

I was a bit stressed out on Friday, trying to make sure that we have hotel bookings. That stressed out Ninja Cat, in turn, who, in the end, voiced out his unhappiness at staying in a box of a room at this budget hotel, and that he really wanted to enjoy his vacation.

So, because I didn't want to stress him and because I thought it was really cute, I ended up driving to Penang for a weekend trip with Ninja Cat ... with NO HOTEL BOOKINGS!

We arrived in Georgetown about 1am or so, and spent about an hour, driving around, saying "Hello, again!" to all the one-way streets. We found a hotel which, fortunately, had vacancies, and we stopped for the night.

I asked Ninja Cat what time he wanted to wake up and start exploring Penang, and his reply was "I'm on vacation. I'm not setting anything."

This became a somewhat recurring theme throughout the weekend - "I'm on vacation. I don't HAVE to do anything."

We got up at leisure, ate at leisure, walked at leisure, and basically did everything at the lighning pace of "Shut up. We're on vacation."

We took pictures ... a LOT of pictures. Most of which had commentary running along the lines of "Go on! Pull a funny face! Come on! Focus! Commit to your character! Concentrate! I'm trying to direct you here!"

I think we only had 2 or 3 photos where we looked halfway decent and human.

Tyche Iane featured in a lot of pictures as well, and Ninja Cat taught Tyche Iane how to fly. And, I, the shopaholic, ended up not buying a thing, while Ninja Cat, poster boy for minimalist and simplistic living, went back home with two significant purchases.

Somehow, between getting lost, screaming at another one-way street taking us further away from our landmark, the traffic jams, map reading and finding a new hotel everyday, we actually did get a great vacation.

I could feel it on the first morning when I woke up and thought, "Whoa! This feels really cool! I'm away from home, taking all the time I want, and I just feel so rejuvenated, excited and ready to see the world!"

We walked around a lot, stayed up way past doctor-recommended bedtimes, ate whatever we wanted, and did whatever we wanted. We arrived home close to midnight, and, when I woke up the next day ... I felt great!

Vacations really are different from lazy weekends! I'm a believer now! In the past, I would just have taken a weekend to be really lazy and indulgent. Spend time in bed reading a book or watching DVDs.

But, the vacation rejuvenated not just my body but also my mind. I'm feeling a lot better about work, and feeling much more industrious.

I can't wait for my next vacation!

Thank You For The Music

2010-07-14T01:34:00.001+08:00

Wow. What a day. What a week. I’ve been blessed with the opportunities to dance and perform these past few weeks. From worrying about my knees, to my weight, my flexibility, my strength and stamina, my feet, and back to my knees again, I have been been so lucky to have been in so many great performances (by my standards, and no one else’s!)

I’ve noticed that I have improved. And, during one of the Sparks of Broadway performances, Soul Doc and Empress was in the audience. And Soul Doc said “You were very hiao. I like.”

And I recalled how difficult it was for me to be hiao while I was doing The Merry Widow. Maybe, the acting that I’ve done has really helped to raise my performance. But I am so happy to learn that I’ve improved, performance-wise and with regards to ability.

It makes the experience that much sweeter.

I remember almost dying in “I Go To Rio”. Always having to pump myself up, and find that last, final reservoir of energy to go out there and wow the crowd.

“Seasons of Love” was a somewhat difficult song for me. Looking at the lyrics, the background of the song, and the meaning, it reminded me of Lyn. And I often began the song trying to fight back tears, thinking, “Okay, this is a bit too much and a bit too emo. If you cry now, the audience is going to think that you’re taking it too far.”

But, I loved performing that song. I loved singing it.

And the Sparkettes really made a difference in the experience. They were enthusiastic and sweet, friendly and open, and so, so upbeat and sweet!

The Phil was another wonderful experience. Neko-Chan asked me a couple of weeks before the show if I’d come onboard and do a solo for Peter Wong’s “Pretty Woman”. She said, “All you have to do is WALK onstage in a red dress and walk off. No dancing.”

Well, I ended up dancing anyways :P

But, it was such a fun experience! I was winging it both nights, with some choreographed segments. And Peter was a great sport and such a dear to work with. He’s such a pro, and he just belted out the number beautifully.

And, once again, the people I met at The Phil were wonderful, friendly, optimistic, upbeat, cheerful and so encouraging and supportive!

My little brother totally kicked ass in his two solos! He worked the stage and the spotlight, and I can see what a wonderful time he’s having! He’s having so much fun! And, he’s really blooming into his own at The Phil. I am so glad and so happy that he’s doing something he loves and enjoys so much, and I can’t wait to see him in more things!

Everyone enjoyed his performances, too. From the wings, the other soloists and I would watch the choir’s performances. And, when his solos came up, we’d poke each other, and one of the main soloists would say, “Look at his preparation! Look at his preparation! It’s so cute!”

And, it was! He gave this little wiggle as he got into character, and he totally rocked it!

I’m finding myself again through the performing arts. But, it looks like I’ve found my little brother, too.

Emo Crap

2010-07-11T02:35:00.001+08:00

I'm feeling emo. I'm not really sure why. Well, actually, I do know why I'm feeling this way. Nothing much I can do about it except grit my teeth and wait it out.

Two Days - More Than Enough

2010-07-10T03:08:00.003+08:00

With a bad day, I can, more often than not, laugh it off. Or, use it to charge myself and challenge myself to get up and at 'em. Or, go out after work and just do something to destress.

With a really bad day, I go to sleep, and the next day, I'm back at it again like a goldfish with a 2-second memory span. Have I forgotten how bad it was yesterday? Not really. But, dang it, today is going to be glorious!

Today is the first time that I came into work, and it was still the same crappy day. It was yesterday stretched over 2 days. I was still crying.

I'd gone to sleep that night, and woke up 2 hours later. Cried. Went to sleep. Repeat. I got into office really late. And, my eyes were so puffy, I had to wear my glasses to work today.

I wish I could say that today was better, but it wasn't. I was crying in the office, and I just don't know what I'm doing there anymore.

Sigh ... I don't know but I hope to goodness that this ends tonight.

Almost Over

2010-07-09T01:37:00.000+08:00

Today has been an incredibly ... sh*tty day. It started the night before with a phone call from my boss at 11.30pm, all atwitter because Big Head is apparently hopping mad that newspaper ads for our new shows are not out yet.

Background - I got a very brief brief on Friday, relayed by another colleague, that basically just said, "Send this brief to the Ad Agency ASAP. Make a couple of ads." I've got some information on what the ads are supposed to be about. But, I didn't get any information like:

Which newspapers are they going to be placed in?
What sizes? Full page, half page, full colour, b&w?
Which magazines did you want to put them in?

Most importantly, I got no information about deadline beyond "Get this brief to the Ad Agency ASAP." I had no idea when the ads were supposed to go out. Until my hysterical boss pulls us into a lunch meeting today that turned into a "Spot The Scapegoat" hunt.

My boss threw an Oscar-worthy hissy fit, trying to find a scapegoat, and trying to pin things down on someone. And, I was just so sick of it. I'm so sick of this melodramatic bullshit that turns into a pity-me session.

Everyone tried to reason with her, calm her down, and when things started hitting too close to home for her, she started going off on tangents. Chasing down and picking fights about other things. But, the thing is, and I think the whole team could see it, and one of my senior colleagues even said it out loud, she was the one to drop the ball because nothing else was communicated down the line.

I was so pissed off, and I was trying to reassure my colleagues when I said that the most convenient scape-goat is me because I'm temporary staff instead of permanent, like the rest of them. My colleagues didn't really understand what I'm saying because they reacted as if I really meant that I would be blamed for this whole thing.

What I originally meant was that I would take the fall for the team.

But, I think what I really meant was that I wanted to be fired.

My boss was going on and on about how she's doing all the work, and no one else is looking after business, and how she has to do the work of 6 people so that the rest of us won't feel burdened and threatened to quit.

She went on about how all of us have lives out of work, and she doesn't. True. She works a lot. But, the thing is, she chose to do so. She consciously chose to do so, and have admitted to it as well.

It made us feel like we're being made to feel guilty.

And, I'm just so sick of this emotional guilt and wrangling. I sat there with my head down most of the time because if I actively followed the conversation, I would have lashed out with something. A couple of my colleagues got hot and bothered, and I think I would have just raised the volatility of the situation with my own anger. So, best to keep quiet.

And, in the meantime, the clock is ticking by. An hour and a half passes by where the only thing we're doing is trying to get heard, and my boss goes on the offensive defensive. And, I'm thinking to myself that I so don't want to be there, and I so don't want to do this anymore.

I really did not want to go back into the office, so I went off to visit a couple of my projects on-site. I walked in, and my suppliers told me that they could see from the way I was walking that it has been a crappy day.

And I just so wanted to cry. But I held it in because I'm in public, and there's no one to comfort me. And, I held it in for a couple more hours, thinking that work will be over son, and then things will be alright.

All I wanted to do was drive my car somewhere private, and just have a good cry about things, alone and in private.

I'm on the verge of tears, and I've got another filming project to attend to and then a company dinner that I really, really, really did NOT want to go to. After everything that has gone on today, I really did not a company dinner where I'm supposed to be chirpy and perky.

I just wanted to leave work behind, and face it again the next day. Instead, I've got dinner. And, karaoke.

And, I so felt like crying.

At the company dinner, one of my colleagues suddenly showed an interest in how long I'll be staying on, asking me if I was going to remain as temporary staff, or if I was going to come on as a permanent staff. I told her that I think I'll stay on as temporary staff for the moment and see how things are. But, if I were to be honest with myself, I really just wanted to quit on the spot.

I feel like I need to put on a flashing neon sign on my forehead that says "I need a hug. Goddammit!"

I actually ended up calling a friend, just so that I could vent off about the day, and feel a little better. But, she couldn't talk for long. So, after that, I just went for a very long drive to calm myself down and tire myself out.

Because, honestly, this fucking idiot fucking load of shit is just too much for me right now.

The only silver lining I have about this whole thing is that the day will end. When I go to sleep, the day officially ends. And, when I wake up, a new day officially begins.

Today is almost over.

Some Days

2010-07-08T18:11:00.002+08:00

Some days, you think you can take on the world. Some days, you think you can do anything. Some days, you just want to run and hide. Some days, you just want to throw in the towel.

Today, I wanted to run, hide, throw in the towel and go on a rampage. Everyone gets to throw a hissy fit except for me. I feel like crying, but I can't because I'm out in public, and Ninja Cat can't hear the tears in my voice over the phone.

The only ones who seem to have caught on to the situation, or at least understood the mood, were a couple of suppliers who said they saw the way I walked in and knew it had been a rough day.

Some days, I just don't know if I can do this anymore, and I wonder why I'm making myself go on. I'm wondering if I'm just being tenacious or just being stupid.

Some days, I just want to cry and think about thinking later.

The Quiet Moments

2010-07-06T00:55:00.003+08:00

Ninja Cat has been in rehearsals for the past week for a performance at The Platform. One week to put an entire play, complete with fight choreography, together, and juggling rehearsal schedules around work schedules. So, rehearsals usually started at 11pm, and ended close to 2pm. It was a mad week, but they pulled it off.

They called in a martial artist to help them with the moves, and it paid off. When they took the stage tonight, and as the last play to boot, they completely rocked the stage! They took the audience by the balls and didn't let go. Triad Boy took his anger and pulled off a bad-ass character to perfection. All-Blacks Fan was in character as a stressed out mafioso of sorts. And Kick-Ass Girl ... kicked ass.

They did such a great job! And, they deserved every bit of applause! The writer gave them an awesome script to work with, and they had the audience in the palm of their hand with the first slap. Every hit and almost every line elicited a reaction from the crowd, who either laughed or "Ooh"-ed in sympathy or delight with every punch, slap and hit.

Triad Boy sold his hits and took his licks like a seasoned stunt man. He did a 360 in the air when Kick-Ass Girl "snapped" his neck. And All-Blacks Fan did a credible job of a man being tortured.

And, Ninja Cat, was quietly but intensely lapping up every second of it. The director :)

We sat together in the back of the theatre, waiting for our turn. And he held my hand. We hugged each other when we met up before the show. And, there was such a happy grin on his face when the show was over.

A couple of my friends, Dandelion and Princess Nong Nong, came to watch the play to support him.

And, after the show, we shared moments and replayed videos taken on my laptop while waiting for our food to arrive.

We had our goodbyes in the parking lot, and All-Blacks Fan couldn't stop talking about the play and how nervous he felt, how he pushed himself and Triad Boy to warm up before the play, and how he loves doing this, and how he's so glad that Triad Boy still had his number and called him in to act in it. He talked all the way home.

It wasn't huge adrenaline rushes. Well, not for me, since I was just an audience member and an over-loud backseat director. But, it was small quiet moments, like Ninja Cat holding my hand, watching the cast warm up, and seeing that huge grin on the writer's face, that really made my day today.

That's the way it has been with Ninja Cat. Learning, realising and cherishing those quiet moments that turn out to be so extraordinary and special. A moment that seem to go by in a blink of an eye but last for an eternity, and you can feel it growing in intensity in your heart, feel it in every breath you take while that moment lasts, and feel it fill you up and buoy you up.

Tonight, those quiet moments sustained me, energised me, and made me feel alive. I'm beginning to truly love those quiet moments. Treasure them and look forward to them. I'm not going to denigrate those grand moments of overwhelming passion. But, sometimes, those grand displays are big and flashy for a reason - they hide a lack or a fear. I still like those. But, I'm beginning to love what I have even more.

Because, in the stillness of the moment, as I savour the feel, the taste and the warmth of it all, there is a depth that reveals itself to me. And, it is not afraid. It is not ominous or eerie, or strange or lacking in anyway. It's saying, "There is more. And, there is nothing to be afraid of."

I'm waiting for when those quiet moments will consume me completely and hold me entirely within its thrall. I'm waiting for those quiet moments that reveal so much and yet are cloaked in privacy, no matter where it happens. I'm hoping for those quiet moments when we connect, and we share, and we savour, and we are each our own person and yet we are one.

I'm living for those quiet moments.

The Week That Was

2010-07-02T17:24:00.003+08:00

This whole week has not been an entirely productive week for me. Perhaps that can be excused by the fact that I'm still feeling tired from the Sparks of Broadway shows last weekend, and that I've been battling a fever and the flu for the entire week. I'm really looking forward to the weekend to just rest and recover.

This is my first weekend, completely free of rehearsals, and I want to savour it. There's been quite a bit of drama workwise, but life has been just great overall.

There are things that I'm learning, have learned, or am continuing to learn. I know I'm going to have to make up for this unproductive week next week. But, I think that by the time Monday rolls around, I'm going to be back up to my old self and raring to go.

I'm just beginning to realise just how insane my work life is, and how much it encroaches into my personal life. Ninja Cat has mentioned a few times during the weekends that I better not be doing any work. I didn't really realise it until this week.

I ended up using a date night to help my production crew get the needed interviews for a station promo. My camera guys were the ones who pointed it out to me starkly by telling me how bad they felt about encroaching on my date. And, then, the other night, I stepped into another room to have a chat with a friend around midnight. When I came out, Ninja Cat asked me if I was doing work.

I wonder if I've conditioned him incorrectly or given him the wrong impression. Or, maybe, that's truly the way I've been working.

In any case, the week that was has taught me that I need to make some significant changes to the way I work, live and have fun. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to do the same thing to me. And, I actually do feel bad that I've been involving my boyfriend in my work to this extent.

The week that was may not have been very productive in terms of work output, but it has given me a wealth of precious lessons to be learned.

My Boss Is A Panda

2010-07-01T12:31:00.003+08:00

This actually came about during a friend's Open Mic event in May. A guy came out and did a poetry reading session, and they opened the floor to anyone who wanted to recite a poem or anything like that. I didn't have anything on me, but my mind started composing this bit of nonsense.

Background - there's a joke about a panda who goes into a bar, eats and drinks, and then shoots wildly around the bar before leaving. When the bartender asked, "What the heck was that all about?" A customer said, "Don't you know about pandas? They eat, shoots and leaves."

I started calling my boss that after a lunch meeting that ended with her shooting the other party (figuratively speaking) and then making a quick and dramatic exit. I remember looking over at Cool Girl with awe in my eyes, and went "Wow! She's like a panda! She eats, shoots and leaves!"

So, anyway, here it is:

My Boss Is A Panda

My boss is a Panda
As in Kung Fu Panda
She eats shoots and leaves

My boss is a devil
Who wears shoes from Prada
She'll cut you dead with an arch of her brow

My boss is a Panda
Who wears shoes from Prada
But, in the office, we call her Kassandra

Sparks of Broadway Ends Its Run

2010-06-29T01:53:00.002+08:00

Finally, Sparks of Broadway is over. But, what a blast! I was tired as heck, working full days and then going to full rehearsals at night. I was running on 4 hours of sleep or less most nights, and it took so much effort to complete all the dances, especially I Go To Rio. I don't know how I did it, but I did it.

And, now, Sparks of Broadway is over.

And, I learned that I can really pull it all out when I really need to. I can stick a smile on my face and just dance when I really have to. I can be all crazy and hiao when I need to be. Soul Doc told me that I was really hiao on stage. And, I was surprised because I could never do that before. I had such problems being hiao when I did The Merry Widow.

All the acting I did must have really helped me out.

I was a jaded chorus girl for All That Jazz, a Special Ed kid during Summer Nights, a sensuous diva for One Night Only, and a crazy chica for America. I was a bored yet over-excited background dancer for I Love To Hear The Music, an emo chick for Seasons of Love, and a cheeky, hyper-excited samba dancer for I Go To Rio.

Backstage was lots of fun, listening to the rest of the cast moaning about this and that, and hanging out with the others. Waiting backstage, mentally TELLING myself to shut up, focus and commit, and then getting out there and TELLING myself that, no, I'm not tired, I can do this all the way.

Most of all, I can't believe my knee survived! It didn't just survive. It cooperated! All that therapy and the shoe inserts and knee guard really helped out! I'm so glad my knee was well enough for me to just enjoy performing this time around.

Sparks of Broadway was great fun, but I am so glad to have my weekends back. And, now, I'm looking forward to Short+Sweet Dance 2010. So, one more time, with feeling ... 5, 6, 7, 8!

Diva On Stage

2010-06-25T01:38:00.003+08:00

Finally. After 6 months of rehearsals. After 6 months of weekends (all booked for rehearsals) set aside for rehearsals ... Sparks of Broadway is finally going on stage!

It's been a fun journey, learning the dance choreographies and getting to know the kids in the show. They are all hugely talented and adorable, and are all little divas in training.

Take today's dress rehearsal. I came in late, at 6pm. And only started make-up at 7pm. Call time is 8pm, and this little missy needs at least an hour - okay, it's more like an hour and a half - to get her face washed, make-up done, hair bunned up and in costume. So, I'm rushing because I know I take a lot of time, and one of the little divettes breeze into the room, and goes, "Don't worry, B! We went through this for DanSing Through Broadway last year!"

Sweet sentiment but totally misplaced :) She mistook my rushing for nerves. But it's kind of cute how the little divettes are strutting about the place, going "Oh, yeah. We've done this before. We're not just pros. We're VETERANS!" Ahahahahaahhahha! Too cute!

Five minutes to 8pm, stage managers start calling everyone onstage. And, Dominique, the wardrobe mistress, tells her assistant, Ann, "Yeah, everyone is ready. Except for BB. As usual."

Hehehehehe ...

I wish I could call myself a diva for always being the last to finish my make-up and put on my costume. But, it's more like I'm always late, or made to be late (like those silly girls who hog the bathroom and then get all huffy with you because you're still putting on your make-up when they'd already finished. HELLO? Get a clue!).

In any case, I'm up and ready. And, I'm onstage. I'm wearing a corset because I've been told I'm too fat and don't look sleek enough in costume for one of the numbers.

And, I'm like ... "Screw this. I may be fat and older, but I've got 3kg of make-up on my face, a great costume, and I'm going to SHINE!"

Sometimes, the kids just give an opening you can't resist. They're all backstage, complaining about their bodies, heads, faces and other insecurities. I'm looking down at my flabby tummy, wondering how I ever got a boyfriend, looking the way I do, and wondering if I sounded half as insecure and idiotic as the kids do when I was their age. I probably sounded worse :P

One of the girls was complaining about how the audience wasn't that enthusiastic and supportive, and that they were made up of parents. My automatic reflex was to turn to them and say, "Act 1 is over. Let it go. Concentrate on Act 2." And, the girls give me this wide-eyed look.

If you're relying on the audience to give you energy and enthusiasm to go all out, you're already lost. If the audience isn't responsive, then you gotta consciously double up your energy and MAKE THEM FEEL IT!

Hehehehe ...

And, then, this other girl started complaining about how small her head is compared to the rest of her body. And, I automatically responded with, "Your head size is proportionate to your brain." :P ... It got some laughs, but the poor girl looked so shocked.

And, then, just because I've had enough of whiny little girls complaining about how fat their (thin) bodies are, I did an obvious final check at the mirror, and went, "I'm gorgeous. I'm ready for the stage now!"

I only had 4 hours of sleep last night. I don't know how, but I managed to find the strength to go all out for all the numbers. I surprise myself.

Tomorrow night, we're doing it for real. And I am so ready.

Tomorrow night ...

Lights go up, music comes on ... and it's all me on stage.

DIVA!

BB!

GODDESS!

Yep. That's all me. And I am bringing it all on stage this weekend. Don't matter if you're coming to watch your niece, nephew, your colleague's daughter ... When the curtains go up this weekend, the only one you'll remember ... is ME!

*Hair toss* *Quick pivot turn*

I'd blow you a kiss. But, you might get the wrong idea. So, get your tickets for Sparks of Broadway, and you might get a wink from me.

Life Happens

2010-06-14T23:49:00.004+08:00

I commented to a friend the other day that I couldn't believe it was June already. And, he replied, "What's so strange about that?" Time passes and that's what time does.

That's a bit too pragmatic for me. Not to mention mundane. But, it is true. Time passes even as we speak. Or, read. And, I wondered to myself if I have made the most of the time that has passed.

I think the answer to that is an emphatic "Yes".

In the space of a couple of weeks, my life has changed profoundly and elementally. Sometimes, I pinch myself. It feels kind of funny to be in a relationship once again after so many years. Sometimes, I wonder if I really am in a relationship, or if I'm just hallucinating a relationship with a figment of my imagination.

Then, I get a private message, a text message, or a call, and I am gently reminded of this amazing relationship I have begun with an incredible person.

In the past two weeks, I have learned much about this person, and I am learning that there is still very much more to learn about him. This is not the flash, bang, fireworks in the sky kind of relationship I was once treated to.

This is much better.

It's slow, it's quiet, it's sure and it's stable. It's steady. And, it pulses with a beat that I feel with my being throughout the day, sustaining me until I see him again. Or, until I hear his voice again.

Sometimes, I feel uninhibited and unrestrained. And, then, I wonder if I'm overwhelming him. Other times, I hold myself back because this is the "getting to know you" period. Tomorrow, this could be over. And, I would be back at square one, wondering if this ever really happened at all.

Am I insecure? Or, am I just looking for a grander gesture of intent? Or, maybe they're the same thing? So, I should stop being emo and accept that this is real, instead of hedging my bets against the day it turns out that I've just been dreaming and clapping with one hand.

There is still longing and yearning, and I miss him when we're not together. But, it's not with bittersweet pain that overwhelms. It's like a pulsing ache that tells you that, out there, beyond the four walls of your office, he's going about his own day, doing his own thing, living life simultaneously and adjacently with yours. The locations diverge, but the paths converge.

And, then, when you meet, those moments apart are shared, and it feels as if the unseen gaps in the other half that is still you are now filled and is now complete. The picture is done, and all the blocks have been coloured in. Although not all are within the lines, and some may not be completely coloured in.

Each moment is perfect. And, everything unfolds in its own time and pace. And, when it does, it feels like a gift. That's what every moment with him feels like. A gift.

And, that is what life is. Life happens, and it just goes by. I think I've made every moment count in the past 2 weeks of life. And, I'm looking forward to more little moments of quiet, honest, earnest passion that I'm beginning to more and more treasure as gifts that are given wholeheartedly and unreservedly.

Reality Tales

2010-05-31T23:39:00.003+08:00

Fairy tales are lovely things. They give you stories of hope, magical wonder, true love, fortitude and action, and wrap it all up with a positive outlook on life and the belief that everything will be alright, and every princess will meet her Prince Charming.

The long weekend has been a blur of incredible happenings, fun and lovely discoveries. Fairy tales have big gestures, like the prince slaying the dragon. But, in real life, it's the small things, like remembering to bring you coffee in the morning, or asking how your day went, that's truly heroic. Keeping it going, keeping your interest and passion alive, keeping the friendship intact, staying in touch, keeping connected, letting loose, taking risks and living on a prayer :)

This weekend, I discovered that it is the small, quiet moments that speaks volumes of passion, love and action.

Fairy tales are great! But, reality is even better.

Next On The List

2010-05-25T00:50:00.002+08:00

Just a day or so ago, a friend publicised an event that he's organising. It's an open mic event where anyone can come up and sing a few songs. It was organised at the last minute for this coming Friday because the person who owns the place is planning to shut the business down.

I think he was asking me if I would sing because he was making comments about how I'd just sung at a recent wedding. But, then, that was as a group. I didn't sing solo. Anyhow, I changed the subject.

But, now, I find myself thinking about it. And, I realised that singing solo live in public is actually the very next thing to do on my list (see sidebar).

So, now, I find myself thinking ... should I go and do it? It's awfully short notice, and my voice is nowhere near what it used to be six years ago. I haven't memorised anything. And, I don't have a guitarist.

Who can I rope in as guitarist at this late date? I have a couple of songs in mind; if I don't end up crying on stage, that is. But, first things first - do I do this, or not?

A Fabulous Weekend

2010-05-24T01:48:00.002+08:00

The week has been characterised by a lot of stress and the dawning realisation that my weekend is going to be so packed, I will hardly be able to get some rest. But, it's all worth it. And I am thankful that I have such wonderful friends who are opening up new experiences to me, encouraging me, guiding me, and for lending wonderful ears over coffee during my silly turns :)

So much has gone on this weekend that I'm just going to take my time to absorb it, enjoy it and cherish it.

Hope your weekend has been an equally great one!

(Story) War At The Pacific

2010-05-22T03:14:00.000+08:00

I was looking through my old files and emails for something, and found the skeleton for a skit/story I'd told myself I'd flesh out and finish one day. I used to write, well, more often, than I do right now, and that story reminded me of another one I'd written some years back while I was working in Sutera Harbour Resort. So, as a kind of pledge (to myself) to remember the promise made (to myself) to write more often, here's a trip down memory lane (for some), and a story that I'm not (somewhat) ashamed to call my own.

War at the Pacific

+++ BREAKING STORY +++ A LADY LAMP EXCLUSIVE +++ DIRECT FROM REUTERS & AP +++

Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia, 1 March 2005 – War has broken out in the peaceful, and sometimes chaotic, land of Pacific Hotel. Witnesses have reported rampages of rage through the halls of Pacific Hotel led by one The Divine M - undisputed leader, beloved dictator and merciful tyrant of CommDept.

Sporting hot pants, a black tank top, a utility belt holding her beloved cell-phone and a long braid down her back, the witnesses are quoted as saying, "She look like Lala Cloft. Talk also like Lala Cloft one."

Blindly loyal and dedicated foot soldiers of CommDept, trained by The Divine M’s second-in-command, the midget known as The Goddess Fluffy The Dingbat (Patron Goddess of Geeks, Freaks, and Nerds, and other Academically-Inclined yet Socially-Challenged, Sentient Carbon-Based Beings), have been described as awesome guerrilla soldiers of the first tier. Armed with water pistols, they have executed punitive expeditions with deadly precision. Their target – the Autonomous Province of FO.

Casualties of this senseless war have been mostly front-line workers of FO. Stunned and weeping with grief from the inhumanity of it all, they have been wandering the halls of Pacific Hotel in varying shades of blue – CommDept has armed their lethal water pistols with blue vegetable dye that does not wear off.

Rescue efforts by the International Red Cross have been hampered by Security’s unwillingness to open its borders and, thus, reveal the true extent of this horrific war.

HouseKeeping has taken the initiative to rescue these poor unfortunates, and have set up a refugee camp at the Staff Cafeteria, which has been officially designated as The Neutral Zone. The Goddess Fluffy The Dingbat has been seen infiltrating The Neutral Zone – ostensibly to procure contraband cans of Coca-Cola. Sources have stated that The Divine M’s second-in-command is seriously addicted to the heavily caffeinated drink, and suffer unsightly withdrawal symptoms.

Investigations into the cause of this war have resulted in a flurry of data that may or may not be information, and which sound more like a fairy-tale than fact.

******** The Fable *********

It is rumoured that, one day, Mix Boy, the Regent of FO, made an announcement to his people.

"Lo! But the Sacred Eye of the Pod is gone! Verily, it has been taken from its rightful place and is now gone from our sight!"

And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the citizens of FO, for they knew that there would be overtime that day.

But, no matter how hard they searched, the Sacred Eye of the Pod was nowhere to be found.

And, then, there came a whispering that said that The Goddess Fluffy The Dingbat had cast an envious eye upon the Sacred Eye of the Pod. She coveted it for her own, and, by walking under the sight-line of the eyes of the citizens of FO, she tricked her way into FO and spirited away the Sacred Eye of the Pod.

Mix Boy accused The Goddess Fluffy The Dingbat, who vehemently denied responsibility. Sick with anger, she hopped from floor to chair to table, screeching, "Bring it on, Mix Boy! Bring it on!"

The Divine M was terrible in her anger. She spoke to Mix Boy.

"Forsooth! But did we not ascertain before that The Goddess Fluffy The Dingbat is a bigger Techie than you? Why would she take your Sacred Eye of the Pod when she has a 20-gig, mp3 player-slash-portable hard disk Archos that fits into the palm of her hand? And a 512MB USB drive combination mp3 player?"

To which, Mix Boy replied, “Cut the crap. I know she took it.”

******** The War Begins *********

Accusations and swear words in binary were exchanged back and forth, and Mont Blanc pens were worn to the nub with diplomatic missives. It has not yet been ascertained what exactly pushed the war from words to action. What is definite is that once CommDept decided to strike, it did so with forethought, strength and exquisite style.

Calls to the Administrative Capital of Pacific Hotel have been greeted by a beep, followed by the message, "We’re sorry, but the number that you have dialled is no longer in service. Please try again later."

Occupancy rates at the Pacific Hotel are at 100%, and the Waiting List grows ever longer with each passing day. Excited guests of the Pacific Hotel have reportedly been camping out at specific locations – such as the Lobby Lounge and Staff Car Park – in order to watch the action. More guests throng the doors, hoping to catch a glimpse of The Divine M in action … and in her mini hot pants.

It is rumoured that the misunderstanding between CommDept and FO was deliberately exacerbated by Finance, who saw it as the perfect gambit to raise occupancy levels, and, thus, revenue intakes. Inquiries to the Silken Hegemony, the Empire that rules the Pacific Hotel, have been met with inscrutable silence.

FO is said to be guarding the Sacred Vinyls and Decks with fearsome zeal. To which, The Goddess Fluffy The Dingbat sniffed, "Dude. MP3s, man. MP3s. Get with it."

The war shows no sign of abating, and witnesses report that The Divine M has been seen in outfits ranging from glamorous, to slinky, to sexy and haute couture. They can’t wait to see what she’ll be wearing next.

The Goddess Fluffy The Dingbat is rumoured to have set up cells of guerrilla fighters to infiltrate other provinces and territories within the Pacific Hotel. F&B and Banquet have responded to this threat by signing a Non-Aligned Treaty, promising to back each other up unless one of them turns out to be a pillow-biter, in which case all bets are off.

The war rages on at the Pacific Hotel, and other nations under the Silken Hegemony are stirring uneasily, worried that the war might come to their shores. The Republic of Greens and the Columbus Hotel have reportedly been in serious discussions with the upper echelons of the Silken Hegemony. They are worried about the repercussions that this war may have on their respective economies.

Specifically, they are worried that once the war ends, the spectators will leave and take with them the lucrative sales in food and beverage services, umbrellas and powerful binoculars.

The world is keeping a close eye on the war … and on what The Divine M will wear next.

+++ END OF EXCLUSIVE +++

Copyright © Lady Lamp, 1998 - 2005
"I knew Martin was a special man when my daughter brought him home the first time. I said to my wife, "Either this man has had serious brain surgery, or the new vacuum cleaner's arrived." - Rowan Atkinson, Live in Boston, 1990-something

Counting Blessings

2010-05-21T01:38:00.003+08:00

For the past few days, I've noticed how affected I get about my work. Sometimes, it just gets to me how much work there is to do. And, today, it's reached a point where I realised that I either need to do something about the job or just quit complaining.

Today, I realised how much of the work that I'm doing is not really within my job scope. I realised it when other staff began referring to me as my boss' PA. I'm not her PA, but I am doing some PA work for her to help her out until a permanent PA can be brought in. But, it did get me started thinking. Especially after another colleague, who, my boss has pointed out to me, is actually junior to me in position, has started showing me a little lip. And, I find some things that are supposed to be within my purview are being done by others without my knowledge, and I'm not being cc-ed in on the items.

I'm doing Office Admin stuff more often than not these days, and I have not been keeping on top of my own work. I'm taking care of installing printer, network and doing photostat copies, and doing ping-pong ball kind of work. And, things are falling through and I'm not picking up on them, because my boss is calling or asking or shouting about something new every 20 minutes.

There's always something on the plate, and, today, I just left work with piles of paper and To-Do lists with "Urgent", "ASAP" and "Send Now" marked on them sitting on my table. Every email I open, every piece of paper I turn over, needs attention NOW, action NOW. But nothing is properly organised, and I need to desperately update files. And, I can't do that.

I got really pissed off today when, in the midst of preparing for something, with my boss asking me for the status of 3 projects which are now ASAP, and then she drops a file on my table and asks for 2 copies, with binding, which are to be delivered to the boss ASAP, and then she asks about status of meeting with a client, and then it's about troubleshooting for a production for which I must provide solution, and then it's whether I've paid a supplier and do I have all the receipts.

And, I was sitting there at my desk, feeling pissed off and angry because I can't do my core job due to all these other tasks just landing on my desk as and when.

And, I'm frustrated at my company for promises made that are not being met, and for setting us up to fail. I'm angry at myself for doing the "Pay Now, Claim Later" routine, believing that I will be reimbursed, and then finding out later that the company has refused to reimburse the claims.

I'm frustrated that I seem to have no control over my work, and that I can't get decisions made immediately.

Sometimes, I just want to whip somebody.

The 100th Post!

2010-05-18T22:46:00.002+08:00

Woo hoo! I've reached 100 posts for this blog! Not bad! *pats self on back*

A funny thing happened today. I was so eager to get out of the office and just go home and relax. But I ended up staying later than I'd expected because it was raining and I was dreading the traffic home.

My boss had invited me to go out for drinks with her and some people from a supplier agency. I turned it down because I didn't really feel like going out for drinks, much less drink, and I didn't want to be sitting around entertaining suppliers.

So, I went and did my own thing. And, I ended up leaving the office only at 8pm. I don't know why. I wanted to go home immediately, but decided to go for a drive, and complete my mission to find accessories to go with the singing gig on Saturday.

So, I found myself at The Curve, where, miraculously (or maybe not), I found all the accessories I wanted.

And, as I was driving home, my boss calls me. It was almost 10pm by that time, and I thought, this must be really important.

It was somewhat important. Or, at least, it was important enough in my boss' mind. She went on to tell me what a wonderful time she and our other colleague had, about what a fun bunch of people the suppliers were, and that, sometimes, given the stressful nature of our work, we just have to blow off some steam, relax, and it's good to hang out and just talk nonsense, flirt or whatever, and just have some fun and giggles. Letting your hair down is good. So, she said, the next time I call you to come out and have drinks with us, COME OUT AND HAVE DRINKS WITH US! You'll have fun! I promise!

I had to laugh when my boss said that. And I am thankful for a boss that does think about me, looks out for me, and cares enough to think, "Hey! Aragang would be having so much fun if she was here right now!"

I re-started this blog because I felt that I needed to become more disciplined about writing. I needed to challenge myself to find something to write about everyday. That hasn't always happened, but I'm glad that I have written something every month, at least.

I also started writing a blog because I do believe that there is something wrong with me. And, I'm trying to fix myself. My boss' phone call was like a little ring of the bell, telling me that maybe, I'm getting closer to a solution. That, maybe, I might be finally getting there.

Or just, maybe, that I'm finally on the right path, I'm doing something right, and that getting to the goal is actually the journey itself.

A Perfect Weekend

2010-05-17T22:07:00.005+08:00

Perfection can be defined in many ways, I suppose. Sometimes, a tiny flaw makes the whole thing perfect. Perfection isn't a science; it's an art. And, this weekend, I had a taste of that art in a series of events that took place over the entire weekend.

On Friday, Hello Kitty sms-ed to say that Mr. Fluff would be performing at a club on Saturday night. Shall we go and show our support? YES! I loved the music scene that I was recently introduced to, and wanted more of it. And, I thought to myself, "Wow! I have a packed weekend! I must remember to be disciplined about getting enough hours to sleep!"

What a joke.

Friday night was taken up by a recording session for Sparks of Broadway. I thought I would be able to make it in time for a get-together with The Poet & The Rent people. I was only dreaming. So, I went home to get some sleep ... after a round of Mafia Wars :P

The perfect weekend started properly on Saturday with a Fabulosity rehearsal that turned into a wardrobe/costume fest. From then on, it was non-stop. I rushed to dance rehearsal, thinking that I would have time to go check out the performance venue for the wedding, go home, shower, and then go watch Mr. Fluff do his thing.

While at dance rehearsals however, Hello Kitty sent a message saying that Mr. Fluff would not be performing that night. So, we decided to go watch a movie. Iron Man 2! Except that, now, since it's a movie, I don't have as much time as I thought I did.

A quick recce and meet-up with the rest of Fabulosity later, I was over at the cinema where Hello Kitty displayed his Ninja Cat skills by appearing - *snap* just like that - right beside me at the ticket counter.

Iron Man 2 was okay. Maybe it was over-hyped. Maybe it tried too hard to be funny that it just lost the plot. I wasn't too impressed. But Scarlett Johanssen was truly hot.

The next day, I was a little late because I had to fill up the car with gas. And, just as I thought that I'll be able to make it without being too late, the door handle came off in my hands as I opened my door. I stared at it and thought, "I should be freaking out. I'm late. I'll freak out later!"

Reached Ribbit's house, and got everyone organised into cars in double-quick time ... after they had a good look and laugh at my car door. There was a convoy of 3 cars - me and Hello Kitty in lead, Ribbit and Mr. Fluff, followed by Feather and Kumquat.

Hello Kitty had spent 4 hours on Saturday looking for the place to make sure that we'll be able to find it. We left civilisation behind and went into the jungle. Pretty soon, we left paved roads, and entered a road that reminded me of my hometown.

"Wow!", I thought, "Feather must be thinking that I'm taking her somewhere to sell her!"

I told Hello Kitty that I couldn't believe that he got here on his bike.

When we finally parked and got out of the car, Feather, KumQuat and I just looked at each other and started laughing. We thought we were being led somewhere to be sold, and passed a sign that said, "Fee for travelling through private land - RM2", and KumQuat commented on the 45-degree slope we had to travel down on.

Hello Kitty told them that I'd offered to share 50% profits out of selling them if he promised not to sell me, too :P

Lunch was delicious! There was some confusion over whether it was vegetarian fish restaurant, or a restaurant where the fish were only fed vegetables. Hello Kitty had to stress a couple of times, "It's a vegetables AND fish restaurant!"

Okay. We get it now.

Did we enjoy the food? Did we stuff ourselves silly? Hell, yeah! Hello Kitty and Mr. Fluff were exchanging jokes about pubs and bars, and KumQuat was encouraging them on, saying, "Go on! Tell us another one where something comes out of the pocket!"

The drive back was pleasant and scenic, with sporadic conversation and just pleasant company. I was already suffering from Python Syndrome. Full, shining sun, and feeling very, very sleepy. I really wanted my bed. And I was glad that no one fell asleep in the car. Until we reached Ribbit's place. And Hello Kitty YAWNED!!!!

I told him, NO NAPPING! If I can't nap, no one else is allowed to nap!

For good measure, I sms-ed him after, and he replied a few hours later with "Aah! Just woke up from a refreshing nap!" B*tch! *cries* I wanted a nap! Instead, I got a 5-hour dance rehearsal :(

Hello Kitty made it up with an offer of a movie, so I headed over to his place after practise where the security guard asked me, "Visiting for a little while or overnight?" And, I was like, errr .. why are you asking me this question? Is there a different visitor's pass for overnight?

When I told Hello Kitty about the incident with the guard, he mentioned that management just switched companies for security so the security guards are new. And, then, his eyes just widened, and he went, "No, no, no, no! I don't have overnight visitors! Not much!"

LOL! And there I was, just staring at him, thinking, "Do I take this opening or not?"

I didn't.

But dinner was good, and the movie was even better! To top it off, there was lightning that night! It never really fulfilled its potential. Maybe because the window was facing the wrong way. But, the movie more than made up for it.

There was a moment during the later half of the movie when the scene suddenly changed into this montage about the love that bloomed between Khan and his estranged wife, Mandira. Thing is, it was the same montage from the beginning of the movie.

Hello Kitty was like, man, can't they even edit this? And he turned to me and said, "When you get your MA, please don't do things like this." We sat there and watched and waited for this looooong montage to end so that the movie could get back to its story when it suddenly hit me - this montage is picture for picture and word for word the exact same thing as the montage we saw earlier.

I turned to Hello Kitty and asked, "Did the DVD skip or something?"

Yes, it did!

We had a good laugh about it when we realised that, most probably, Hello Kitty sat on the remote and pressed a button that returned it to an earlier chapter. And there we were, patiently watching the same montage again.

The movie, "My Name is Khan", was unlike other Bollywood movies in that it didn't have sudden scene changes accompanied by music, multiple wardrobe changes and synchronised dancing by a cast of extras who appeared out of nowhere. The story was so beautiful, and struck resonance with me since I was in the States when 9/11 happened.

Shah Rukh Khan gave his best performance here, in my opinion, playing Rizvan Khan who suffered from Asperger's Syndrome. His love for his wife, the beautiful things he did for her, and his devotion to her son from a previous marriage, his steadfast faith in Islam despite the prevailing attitudes of the day, his struggles and his beliefs ... it made me believe. It gave me hope.

Several times during the movie, I could feel myself almost losing it. Tearing up. But I couldn't let myself succumb to it. Not least because of the company, but also because crying won't change matters. Being Muslim is something that I think about very often, wondering about the strength and quality of my faith, and wondering if Islam has a place in the world and in my life.

Like the many times that this has happened in my life, "My Name is Khan" re-affirmed my faith in Islam. I believe that religion is personal, and that religion is there to guide us and not to dictate to us. Faith and belief is not an emotion. It's a state of being. And the movie showed that through Rizvan rejecting the hatred shown by Muslims and non-Muslims alike, and choosing instead to judge people by who they are and by their actions, rather than the colour of their skins or their religion.

What would it be like to live in a world of Rizvan Khans? Intensely self-aware yet quietly resolute and firm, Rizvan Khan is teaching me that being a Muslim means having the strength to realise and recognise key principles and following them, despite what the rest of the herd says.

And, in a world polarised by religion, "My Name is Khan" made an unusual choice in making Rizvan's wife a Hindu while he remained Muslim. It was a key element for the story, but it also made a point - religion should not be a divider; it should be a uniter.

It brought home another lesson to me, too. Love is not always passion and excitement. Love can be quiet, calming, steady and meaningful. Love is not just in the grand moments; it's in the small and quiet moments, too. When you're irritated and frustrated, tired and thoughtless. Love is not static; it's constant in that it grows with the persons involved.

"My Name is Khan" is definitely worth watching. Thank you, Hello Kitty, for sharing this movie with me. I open my heart and, with a little fear, nevertheless, I do say, "My name is Aragang. I am a Muslim and I am not a terrorist."

Fabulosity!

2010-05-13T00:29:00.002+08:00

About a month or so ago, Ribbit invited me to join her and a few other friends to form a singing group. I jumped at the chance. I had a rocky start, adjusting to their way of doing things, and there has been some miscommunication. But, we're moving into choreography now, which was why I was brought in, primarily. Because, honestly, if I had to sing for a living, I would starve to death.

And, the choreography rehearsals so far has been really good. I'm really impressed by these girls who keep insisting that they have 2 left feet and yet they followed my choreography, and learned the choreography for one song in one night!

Tonight, we practised the song again with another member who was unable to attend the first night's rehearsals. They looked great! And, if they hit it right, they're going to be dynamite on the day of the performance itself!

We did choreography for another song tonight, and we decided to go a bit dramatic and campy and fun. It was hilarious! We have divas on stage! We have clueless kuchi rat back-up singers and a grande diva oblivious to the catfight happening on-stage right beside them!

The gig is shaping up to be a fun one, and I am absolutely loving rehearsals at this point! The words are coming in, and the notes are shaping up. We did one of the numbers tonight, and the vocals were the best we'd ever done.

So, wait for it! 22 May 2010! And get your groove on because Fabulosity is going to rock the night!

Euphoria & Rejuvenation

2010-05-10T00:08:00.004+08:00

I twisted my knee, or did something else to it, again this weekend. It's swollen, and I can barely bend it. For the photoshoot, I had to walk up 2 storeys of stairs to the studio. I had to lift my knee to get in and out of the car.

I missed my auditions today because of that knee. And I so desperately wanted to get into one of those two shows. I can't believe what a flake I was. But my knee hurt so much going to sleep and waking up. And, I was walking straight-legged for the whole day.

The last day of work was psycho, to say the least. I got woken up at about 7.30am or so by an sms to check my emails for links to video samples. The phone calls and sms-es didn't stop from there on till about ... the end of the work day. I was so stressed out, trying to find solutions to problems, calling this person and that person for help, and getting my way blocked everytime. This one company, who is supposed to be a partner company, was just simply awful. Almost everyone I called for help, with the exception of one, seemed to have it in their minds that "No" is the only answer they will give me. I couldn't make anything move, and they just shoved "No" in my face without so much as a consideration for the dilemma that I, and, in turn, their company, was in.

It was so bad that by 10.30am, I was a gibbering mess. I was walking up and down the office hallway, with cigarettes and lighter in hand, muttering "Ashtray. Ashtray. Ashtray." I was babbling nonsense to my colleague who could only roll her eyes and/or ignore me completely.

By 11.30am, I wanted a bottle of tequila, a mariachi band and blueberry cheesecake.

With the exception of injuring my knee again on Saturday, the weekend started off on a great note. I was so happy to find out that I had some free time, I posted it on my Facebook account, asking, somewhat rhetorically, what I should do with the free time. A friend invited me to an open mic event that he organised.

I normally don't go to things like these for fear of falling asleep. But, I was really glad I went on Friday night. The music was great and the company was better. I ended up going home past midnight after a makan session. It was wonderful!

And, today, I had the photoshoot for Sparks of Broadway. I was late because of my knee. Just hurt way too much to move. When I arrived, Dominique, the wardrobe mistress, jokingly said, "You're late! You're fired!" The make-up session was such fun. I was sitting beside Ina, a former rhythmic gymnast, and we were swapping make-up and stories, and tips and hints. And some of the other girls would drop by to say "Hi" or share a bit of news, or just to take some pictures together.

At the studio, it took a long while to get everyone organised, but we did our best. And we had fun! We changed costumes, commented on how cute each other's costumes were, and hammed it up for the camera.

My knee still hurts, but I feel .. euphoric and rejuvenated. I feel giggly, and giddy, and I don't want to give myself too much hope, but I do feel hopeful and excited and in love. And, I hope this feeling lasts. Even if I do end up looking like an idiot or a fool.

This is what I want to feel like every day of my life.

Between Good, Bad and Worse

2010-05-06T23:52:00.002+08:00

I have not been keeping my promise to write regularly in my blog. I should write more, and post more pics up! I know. I'm a bad girl.

And the past few days have been bad. I've been trying to decide what is the best move for myself. In a way, it's a good move for my company as well. Things have not been really working out, neither in work nor in personal life. I have been so stressed, I actually said the F-word in the presence of my dad three times in a row because I was thinking about work, and I completely forgot where I was.

It got even worse. I found myself talking to myself in the office ... and my colleagues are sitting just a metre away from me. Sigh. I'm pulling at my hair subsconsciously, and, when I do realise it, I don't really want to stop. My only news when I meet my friends are about my work, my clients, my suppliers and my mad boss.

I find myself sleeping at 4am in the morning consistently, but not really producing the volume or standard of work that makes staying up that late worthwhile. I'm getting old, and I'm not as fast or as good as I used to be.

I really miss my sleep.

I know that I can't keep up this pace, and, sure enough, I overslept for a meeting. Which was on a Saturday morning. And my boss threw a little hissy fit, and almost refused to allow me to go to my rehearsals that day. It almost ruined my day. I was stressed and upset about not making rehearsals, and I was over an hour late when I should have and could have been on time.

And I wonder, how many times will this happen? When it comes down to the crunch, will I let the Sparkettes down? Will I let a team of actors down on actual performance day itself if work comes in? Either way, I would feel very guilty, angry and extremely upset at myself.

My work days were so bad, I was almost crying with happiness to go to rehearsals in the evening, even though I was only sitting in and not performing at all.

And, I wondered to myself, push comes to shove, which responsibility will I let fall first? Work? Or personal life?

I don't want to be in a position where I have to call my producer or director and say, "Sorry. I can't come to the show tonight and perform because I have to finish work."

I decided that I do not want to ever be placed in that position, and that I would choose myself, my personal life, over work.

So, I tried to quit my job. My current contract was supposed to end on 30 April, and I tried to find my boss to tell her that I don't plan on coming back. There was a verbal agreement to extend the contract, but no black and white. For some reason, I could not catch my boss in a discussion at all for the last few days of April. It was Wednesday before I managed to find myself in the same room as her, with no one else around.

She did not take it well, but, to her credit, she did not elaborate on how important work was to her life (implying, of course, that I should make work my life as well). It had not been a good day for her as well, and it got a bit emotional. I felt bad about leaving, but I felt that it was a good decision. And, we talked about a number of things, one of which was how she could make this position easier or better, in terms of workload.

This is the highest level job I have ever held in my life, and I don't really feel like relinquishing it after such a short time. But, at the same time, I want a life I can call my own.

At first, we agreed that I would work until the end of May. Now, I don't know what the situation is. I'm asking myself if I'm staying till end of May only. I told my boss my concerns about the job and clashes with my personal life, like, I really want to do performing arts. But, most of all, I just want time outside of the office that I can call my own, and do anything, *ANYTHING*, that I like. Even if it's just sitting in front of the TV.

It did not help that a supplier from a partner company showed me her second face. It came as a rude shock because I did not see her as such a person at all. And she was acting nice and concerned and friendly with my boss. But, as soon as my boss left the room, she turned on me with this venomous look and comment.

Between all of this, the main thought running through my head was "I want to get out of here."

I shared a bit with a colleague, who echoed my thoughts and misgivings about the job. And, after that, well...

Things are kind of in limbo right now. Today has been a relatively slow day. I have no idea what I'm supposed to decide or think right now.

So, I'll leave it alone for now.

An Emo Moment

2010-05-04T01:35:00.002+08:00

Some days, I just want to club myself over the head.

I'm having an emo moment, and I don't know how to begin to write about this because no one really wants stories going back to the person being discussed.

I guess I am better at writing than I am at talking. So, I'll just talk about it here. Because, talking with words being vocalised in real time. Well, I just seem to suck at that.

Writing, however ... I seem to be a champion at that.

I'm having an emo moment right now, because it feels like old mistakes or old patterns are repeating themselves. And, I'm so frustrated because I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I've been meeting and getting to know new people, and some old acquaintances, over the past few weeks. And, it's been a great experience overall. I know that many people see me as quiet, reserved and so on. And, I have realised that there are so few people I actually click with, and with whom I can completely be myself. And, I thought that I'd found another friend with whom I could be completely myself.

For a while there, I thought that this friend felt the same way. That we were having fun together and enjoying each other's company, until this friend started becoming subdued in my company and somewhat stand-offish, or reserved or withdrawn, perhaps. And, I'm left wondering what kind of deadly pheromones do I exude that makes people suddenly not want to be around me anymore?

I've had this before where people seem to be eager to be my friend, and then, the next day, they just suddenly cool off and don't want to be around me anymore. And, I am the only one who didn't get the memo about this. I'm a clueless fish, and I just flounder around pathetically until I get the message that they don't really want to hang out with me anymore.

And, this one hurts, because this is the first time in years that I've opened myself up to the possibility of friendship in this way. So openly, without reservation, without holding anything back on my end. And, with truly wanting to be friends, eager to please, to get to know, to impress, to have fun, to exchange, to talk, to spend time with.

I'm giving my friend some space. I think maybe that this is the best way, or, maybe, the only way, actually to handle this situation. Imposing my presence or myself will not improve matters. And, I've learned somewhat that just asking outright doesn't really work. People lie.

People lie to avoid to saying something that they think will be unpleasant to the other person, or unpleasant to themselves, or cause themselves to have a negative view of their own selves.

I've asked people outright if they are okay, and they say, "Yeah. I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine with you, too. I've got no issues with you." But the friendship never really goes back to normal. So, obviously, they're holding something back, but they feel uncomfortable saying "Yes, actually, there is a reason why I'm not that enthusiastic or happy about seeing your face again. And, it's because ..."

Do I have bad BO?
Does my ice chewing irritate you?
Is it the way I wear my hair?
Is it the way I laugh?
Or, is it just me, in general?

My friend was a little stand-offish and holding back a bit. I think that, at this point, space and time is the best thing for both of us.Whether the friendship recovers from this hiccup or continues on its present trajectory, at least, we're both making forward progress.

Getting Back in Touch

2010-04-21T00:50:00.003+08:00

I've been having problems with my knees since the beginning of the year. I tried to stretch them as often as possible, and even cut down on wearing heels for ... too long :(

I've even gone to a Chinese sensei who came highly recommended by a friend. He seems to have fixed the problem, but over the past month or so, I started noticing little things.

I could feel tendons or muscles on my feet shift positions suddenly as I walk or dance.
My thigh muscles were rock hard and refused to relax even after stretching them for 15 minutes or so.
My knee-caps were squealing in pain, at times.
I got woken up in the middle of the night by cramps in my calves. And, I almost never get cramps! Except for those stupid toe cramps! Which, I have now found out, come about when I don't have enough arch support for my feet.

Worse of all, I noticed that my posture has dropped. And I used to have good posture, too! I mean, like, really good! As in, people notice and tell me they noticed! For the past few weeks, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw that I was slouching. I was *automatically* and *unconsciously* slouching!

And, I thought to myself, "That's not normal. Even when I don't think about it, my posture is usually pretty good."

I thought that there might be something wrong. Especially when the pain in my knees started getting worse. So, I made ... a BRAVE decision.

I went back to Dr. Pain.

The chiropractor I accused of training Al-Qaeda in torture methods during his off-time in the weekends. The chiropractor who would scold me for wearing high heels. The chiropractor who asked me if I wanted to go study Islam in South Africa. The chiropractor who asks me if I'm still not married yet.

The chiropractor who is famous in his clinic for having patients come into his consultation room, and then scream in pain as he fixes their problematic bodies.

THAT chiropractor.

He's tough, he's no wimpy sap, and he's got no sympathy for the hurt you put your body through. What he knows is that you got your body in bad enough shape to land yourself in his consultation room. So, shut up and take it while he puts your body back into proper alignment.

And, when I finally came to his office today, my body was in a whole lot of trouble and quite a bit of pain. I knew that my spine needed adjusting and all, but I wasn't quite prepared for how much. I was amazed at how much work I needed done, and at how good I felt afterwards.

While he was adjusting my knee, which was painful as hell, I was saying something like, "That really hurts."

His reply was, "I know you can take it."

Yes, this is the chiropractor who found out that I can take a lot of pain, and then had fun finding out how much pain he can give me.

Right now, though, my body is experiencing a good kind of pain. My knees feel so much better, and my posture has automatically improved.

I still need to go back for follow-up visits, but I don't mind. I want my knees better so that I can keep dancing and get myself back into the gym! Healthy from toes up, both body, mind and soul.

So, one more time, let's go to Dr. Pain!

Thoughts Ala Carte

2010-04-18T03:26:00.003+08:00

The past few weeks have given me plenty of food for thought, such as:

If I sang for a living, I would starve to death.
If I am a dork, then I want to be the best dork there is.
Some people like me, some people don't. Do I need to worry about this? - NOTE: This is a thought-in-progress, but still a thought.
Some days are just terrible, but there's always a little joy tucked away if you only learn to let your ego go.
Some friends can stand me, some can't. Am I okay with this? - NOTE: This is a thought-in-progress, too.
Some days are just a bit off-kilter, and it's okay because it's still a good day.
Some people are mean on sight, others are mean because ... hmmm ... I'm not sure if I really care about this. If they're mean, then I think I'll just ignore them.
Some people seem to be nice to me only for a while, and, then, while in conversation, they shoot off a retort that signals "I find you irritating. Please shut up." And people wonder why I'm so quiet :P
People seem to think that I'm really nice. Am I nice or just wishy-washy, or just bland like vanilla?
I'm not vanilla.
Sometimes, I like to dress up. Sometimes, I don't.
Sometimes, I wonder where I belong. Feels like it's so hard to fit in. And then I think to myself, do I really want to fit in? Shouldn't that come naturally? If I'm being myself and I don't fit in, then what does that mean, and what do I want to do about it?
Sometimes, it feels like I'm only ticking the days off until the day I die. What am I doing with my days, and do I really need them?
Made a gut decision to not do my own play for The Platform in May. Judging from the chemistry I saw at the meeting, I think I made the right decision. Should I trust my gut instinct more?
All I know right now is, I have to get out of here, and be somewhere and try something new.

Looks like most of my thoughts are questions. Oh, well! Thoughts Ala Carte is for digesting and chewing. At least, they're meaty :)

Life Without Internet Access

2010-04-08T00:05:00.002+08:00

Life without internet access is almost unbearable. For the past few days, the internet access service at my house has been down. Actually, I kind of looked forward to the free time I would have. I imagined giving myself a mini-spa at home, kicking back, reading a book, CLEANING UP MY ROOM, watching a DVD, doing one of my projects, catching up on sleep, playing with my cats ...

But, like a true addict, the internet crooked its finger at me with one ploy that I could never ignore - CHECK YOUR WORK EMAILS!

My sister has DiGi Internet, thank goodness! It's plug and play, and I love it! I'm seriously considering getting one for my own, but am wondering how I'm going to deal with a one-year contract on top of maintaining Streamyx for my home. It doesn't really seem that worth it. Thankfully, my sister is very the sharing-sharing one with her DiGi :)

I really don't think much about answering and doing work emails at midnight, or even later (or earlier, depending on AM or PM). My boss does a lot of her work late at night as well. It wasn't until one of my colleagues made a joke about getting emails from me very late at night or very early in the morning that I began to think that maybe the full and balanced life that I envision myself having does not include doing work emails whenever I find the time.

But, I do find that I work best late at night, when there are no interruptions, and I'm free to just flit about and getting my brain into gear.

I have not really been able to go on the internet much this week. I've missed my games, but not really missed them. I'm being kept busy. I'm starting to enjoy my work. Our KPIs for the quarter, let alone the year, are insane. By my standards. And, although, I'm rooting for the sales team to do really well, I realise that once the sales are made, it is going to be my sole responsibility to make sure that these projects are executed well and delivered on time.

Dear god. What have I gotten myself into?

A new hire said today, "I went back home last night and wondered to myself, "What have I gotten myself into? And, why do I do this to myself?"

I'm thinking the same thing myself. With everything that I want to do, and all the things I want to include in my free time, I'm wondering how I can fit in a social life, or even my own life, into my work life.

Things are going to get even more hectic soon, and I sure hope that all the help that we need falls into line.

Or, at the very least, give me a good and stable internet line.

A Hellish Week

2010-04-05T00:28:00.000+08:00

This has been the week from hell for me. And, today was just another crappy chapter to an already horrendous week.

The week started with a last-minute Hail Mary for a 5-star event on Monday that started me running endlessly around. I was fielding calls, requests for emails, requests to check emails immediately, while driving from one location to another meeting, and trying to pin my boss down for crucial decisions and discussions.

So many people were depending on me to send or find information, decide on stuff, get decisions from higher-ups for stuff, and for a couple of days or so, it was literally me running and doing everything. I was sleeping at 4am, and feeling angry at myself. So much stuff came in through calls that I couldn't write down because I was on the road so much. I barely had time to sit at a table.

And, all this came during the time when the show I was choreographing for was bumping into stage. Costumes for the girls in one of the dances was not done at all, so I took it upon myself to do it, figuring that I had the time in my schedule to do so. I did have that time, until my boss decided to pull a last-minute miracle. Designs weren't even ready, and almost everyone we spoke to told us that even if we sent in the designs today, they wouldn't be able to deliver by Thursday. So, I was running back and forth, between the event organisers, our filming crew, my boss, the suppliers, and everybody else. I know that there are things that I forgot, and I just have no choice in the matter.

Whatever I can remember, I execute as quickly as I could. And, in between all this, I had to finish the costumes, which were fortunately only sashes, for the girls. And, I had to hold rehearsals with the dancers in the actual space that they would be performing in. I was trying to keep pre-scheduled appointments and promises made prior to this last-minute thing that I had to do, and I was torn.

What do I keep? Which takes priority? Work is important, but everything that I promised to do for the play was scheduled for the evenings anyway. But, now, because of the last-minute work that just came in, my evenings are no longer free. If I want to make deadline for work, I have to ditch the play. But evenings are my time. But, because of this last-minute event and its insane schedule and list of items to do, I was sleeping at 4am just trying to meet all the commitments.

I've been told by my boss that time management is what I will have to do to include all the things that I want in my life. I told her before that I wasn't very open to taking the job because the job commitment meant that I would be on call 24/7. And, I wanted to free up time for theatre and just for things that make me happy, sane, centered and balanced. She said that all I have to do is manage my time properly.

Well, time management is a joke when everything comes down last-minute. And, it makes a mockery of promises and commitments that I make, and a joke of the pretty little calendar I maintain.

Then, there was rehearsals today, where I had my little emo breakdown. Of all the stupid things to do. Of all the stupid things to happen. The Director wasn't happy with how we've been singing "Seasons of Love", and felt that it was because the chorus didn't understand the song. So, she had us all sit down and talk about it. And, I remembered Evil Bunny.

The song reminds me of how I want to remember Evil Bunny, and how I want to live my life. How I want to remember and measure my life. And, I just lost it. The tears came and nothing could stop them. I had to take a break from the room. It was so embarrassing. And, it's frustrating how little control I have over tears that come from Lyn.

The Ong came out to console me a bit after a while, and I went back into the rehearsal room. And the Director and a few of the others came up to hug me. Thank you for their understanding, caring and show of support and warmth.

The choreographer did not seem all that happy. I told her what I just told everyone, which was that "The song just cut a little too close." And, she cut me off with a "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

My performance during dance practise has not been that great either. We didn't perform well as a group, and I didn't perform well as an individual. At the end of the day, or the week, as this is turning out, I am just so disappointed in myself.

My entire performance, at work and at the arts, is worth only a 3 out of 10. And, I'm being kind to myself.

I suck. And this week sucks. If this continues next week, I'm going to have a make a tough decision, and STICK TO IT.

I just want this to end. But, at the same time, I acknowledge that I am thankful for the pain and the emotions that I'm feeling right now. Maybe I'm not such a robot after all.

Change is Painful

2010-03-27T02:55:00.003+08:00

Someone once said that the main reason people don't change, even for the better, is because it's painful. It's uncomfortable. So, they choose to remain in whatever misery they're in, rather than face more pain, more discomfort.

In a way, you could say that your current situation is the direct result of your own choice. You can blame it on karma, fate, an almighty divine being, or some spiteful person out to get you. These are not reasons why you have remained thus. These are symptoms of your choice.

The past few days, I've been on some unbelievable thought swings. From loving people to hating humanity, to wanting to punch friends in the face.

And, as weird as the experience, emotions and sensations were, they are directly related to a problem I've just begun to realise. And, it all ties back in to an audition I did for an acclaimed acting school in the UK.

I wondered what I had done to deserve such a painful smack in the face, and what that smack was trying to tell me. I think I'm starting to unravel the meaning and the lesson. I was angry for a while. I thought, "There must have been a better way to show me or tell me."

No, there isn't. Change is painful. And this is part of that pain.

I've said this before. And, I'll say this again, because, even if you find it off-tangent, it's relevant to the matter at hand.

I am NOT a nice person. I am just a person.

Sometimes, You're Just An Idiot. Deal With It.

2010-03-09T04:20:00.002+08:00

A little knowledge can be dangerous. No knowledge at all can be suicidal. And a lot of knowledge can still make you stupid.

Sometimes, you just have to accept that you've been an idiot, deal with it and move on.

I've certainly had my fair share of it this past month.

My knee injuries flared up badly this month. So much so, that when I attempted to do a turn, I felt my kneecap kind of slide out of place, and then click back into place.

Such a stupid, stupid thing. It's not like I did not know it before. I know I need to do super long stretches after dancing to make sure that my muscles are cooled down and relaxed. If they're not, there's a strong possibility that they will spasm and pull my knees out of alignment, causing pain even when I walk.

A friend recommended a Chinese sensei who helped fix his ankles. From his account of his experience with the sensei, the guy seemed to know a lot about how muscles are interconnected and how they affect bones and the rest of the body. Pretty much similar to what my chiropractors have told me, too. My friend did say, "You can go and see him, if you dare."

"Why 'dare'?", I asked, naively.

"He used to be a butcher."

Well, that explains why he knows so much about muscles and all that.

So, I went to see him, and the diagnosis, in his terms, was that my muscles have tightened up and become very hard. I have to soften my muscles again, and the inflammation will go down and the pain will go away. The treatment, which involved massaging my muscles with a porcelain spoon and something like the Chinese version of minyak cap kapak, was painful to say the least. But, I have to admit that it did the trick. My muscles are "softer".

I have to make it a point to really, really, really, stretch after each exercise session. I've been taking it really easy at practise, but the pain from the knees is new. Like the kneecap that clicked a bit out of place while I was doing a turn. And I sometimes have to gasp out loud or just go "Oh, s**t!"

It's not doing me a world of good that I can't keep up and learn the dances faster because of my knees. And, I feel even worse now because my choreographer was thinking of taking me out of two of the dances. She was worried about my knees.

It's a valid worry. But, I'm not giving up those dances short of an apocalypse. So, I told her that I will take better care of my knees and I'm going to make damned sure that I'll be in tip top condition when we finally stage the show in June. Like I'm going to give up any of my dance slots! I'd put screws in my knees and take painkillers before I pull out of any of the dances!

I'm not planning on quitting dancing so soon after I just started. So, note to self, take better care of your body overall.

I need to strengthen the other muscles in my legs so that they're more balanced. I'm not that young, that strong, or that flexible anymore. I can't just run out after class and expect to be okay, anymore.

So, enough of being an idiot. It's time to deal with it.

Dancing Again

2010-02-08T00:17:00.003+08:00

It's a week into February 2010 and I haven't written an entry yet! I have been terribly remiss, and it isn't like I don't have a lot of things to write about, much less think about.

But, as always, thoughts can be your enemy. So, maybe it's best if thoughts are left for another day.

I've had dance rehearsals for a little over a month now, and it has been wonderful! It is great to be dancing again. I miss it. I'm not as good as I used to be. And, maybe, in a way, I'm better than I used to be. I have to keep reminding myself to not be impatient and to learn and keep learning.

The other girls in the dance show, called Sparks of Broadway, are basically teenagers. Maybe one or two are in university or college. The rest are in secondary school! I feel like the oldest person in the dance group, which, yes, okay, fine, you got me, I am. And I do feel old. They've got more stamina than I do. And, they've been practising the dances longer, too. They're more familiar with the steps and are better at it. But I'll catch up :)

And I'll make sure I won't embarrass myself :P

They have been dancing with Farah Dato' Seri Sulaiman for years. Although many of them do not have formal dance training, their time with Farah shows true in their form. There are many talented individuals in this group. Some of them have truly amazing voices! Like this one girl whose voice sounds like it belongs on a Disney soundtrack!

Although Farah Sulaiman no longer runs an academy, preferring instead to do shows such as Sparks of Broadway, she has done everything she can to ensure that her dancers receive the best training possible so that they can give the best performance possible. She's giving them vocal lessons, for free (!), and it has been paying off in how much they have improved and how well they're doing. She's also giving them acting workshops to help them in their expression during dance.

Unfortunately, these workshops and lessons are only for the young ones. The old fogeys, like me, are left out of the fun and to our own devices. This means that we're usually fooling around outside the rehearsal space, going through our steps or just mucking about with improvised dance steps or sharing dance exercises we'd learnt before, while the young ones are doing their weekly workshops.

The nice thing is that, Hurak, one of my dancers from the Nunuk Ragang team has joined the dance. In between practises and during cool-down, we're doing stretches, sharing dance exercises, and doing crazy dance stuff on any spare space we could find. It's really shaping up to be a lot of fun.

I was a bit surprised and flattered when one of the girls asked me how long I'd been studying ballet because she thought that every time we did a ballet sequence, I always looked poised. I only took formal ballet lessons as an adult for about a year or a year and a half. I guess the training was worth it, although I do admit that I wish I was more graceful and more able to execute the ballet movements.

Some of the dancers are trained in Latin dance, and it shows in their fluidity of movement and also in the general way that they move in dance. The other dancers also appear eager to learn Latin dance from them, and can sometimes be seen asking their friends to teach them moves or to correct a dance execution. The younger dancers are also amazing in other kinds of dances like tap dancing. Two of the girls, sisters, in particular, are like lightning fast with their taps!

I hate learning steps because it's slow and tedious. But I love it when everything comes together in the end, and everything flows. So, I'll just take it slowly and repeat, repeat, repeat until I get the dance steps down so I can just dance without thinking and enjoy myself fully.

I have about 2 months left to really nail down all the dance steps. I am dancing in about 7 or 8 dance numbers. I'm looking forward to June when Sparks of Broadway finally takes the stage. In the meantime, I'm going to take good care of my knees. They've been acting up, and I've been trying to keep it rested and strong as much as possible.

The Chinese New Year break will be good for me and my knees. Looking forward to the holiday festivities, and to more dancing!

A Message From the Angels

2010-01-31T23:51:00.003+08:00

I signed up for these emails from Angels so that I can be reminded to hang tough, hang in there, keep trying, don't give up and keep hoping and praying.

And, sometimes, the messages I get are so in sync with my current experience. Like this one:

“Relationships with others in the physical realm are present many times so that you may experience acceptance. This may be acceptance of the other or possibly even just acceptance for yourself. However, do keep in mind that by learning acceptance, it does not always mean that you need to continue to have the person in your life to do so. If it is time to release someone with love, then it is time. Trust your gut. Ask if it is time and if you feel it is, accept that it is right for you to move on, ask us for help in cutting any ties with love and release it.”
– With Love, The Angels

There are emails out there, circulating in cyberspace, about friendships or relationships being there for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Sometimes, when it's time to let go, we have to let go. Even if it's only for your own sake. Especially if it's for your own sake. And this goes both ways as well.

I'd like to say thank you very much to those people who have made a big impact in my life but who, for one reason or another, are no longer a part of my life. I am who I am today in part thanks to you.

Heh. Not sure if some would find that insulting.

But you were there for a reason, and I hope that I've learned the lessons I was supposed to learn. You were there for a season, and I hope that I appreciate the experience enough to treasure it and learn from it, too. As for everyone else still in my life, I'm hoping that it turns into a lifetime.

A Dilemma

2010-01-27T03:19:00.005+08:00

Maybe I watch too many shows, watch too much Disney, or just think too much, but here's something that has been popping in and out of my mind for a long while. Let's see what you make of it. Call it an exercise in Philosophy and Ethics & Morality. Pay attention, class. This, most probably, will not be in your final.

Scenario:
Girl A goes out with Guy A, who professes love for her. But, as it turns out, Guy A is actually going out with Girl B, and seems quite serious about her. Girl A ends up crying on Guy B's shoulder, who is a good friend to her and just happens to be best friends with Guy A as well. Guy B tells Girl A that she's been played and she should just take in her stride and move on. Girl A breaks up with Guy A. Guy A and Guy B remain best of friends. Girl A and Guy B do not.

I had a list of essay questions to use to fiddle around with, but what the heck. School is out. And, truth is, rules don't really apply in life anymore, unless you hold to it firmly in yourself and practise what you preach.

So, main dilemma here is ... how does Guy B remain best friends with Guy A despite acknowledging and knowing that what Guy A did was wrong (You may argue about this in a separate paper for extra credit). How is it that Guy B can so cavalierly and cheerfully tell Girl A that she's been used, and just get over it, and then turn around and still be best of friends with Guy A? Or, maybe Girl A deserves it? Since she's an idiot enough to fall for Guy A's lines, then she doesn't deserve respect, or consideration, or friendship.

What boggles my mind at this moment is ... why does this friendship survive?

If you knew that a friend was mis-using another friend of yours, how would you feel and how would you deal with the situation?

Do the concepts of punishment and fair play come into the equation? How? Why? Or why not?

Why am I even thinking of this stuff? Guy A and Guy B should just go and screw themselves. Girl A should get a backbone and a life.

I just recently consciously decided to actively terminate a friendship. I say "actively" because I did not decide to just let the friendship die out on its own, never call the person anymore, or hang out with them. I actually sent a notification to my friend, informing my friend that I no longer wished to be friends.

It may not be the best move in the world. But, I hated it when I went on Facebook one day and discovered a friend, who I felt was important and close to me, suddenly missing from my Friends List. I thought that he had deleted me willy-nilly because of some wrong that I did. I decided not to jump to conclusions, and called him up instead. Good thing I did. Turned out that he decided to delete his entire Facebook account and just forgot to inform everyone.

I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want my friend to go around wondering, "What the heck happened? Does she hate me? What did I do? How come I got deleted? Did anyone else get deleted?"

No, I don't hate my un-friend. But, like the scenario above, sometimes you have to wonder if being a friend means only that you can count on the person saying "Hello" back at you. I think that being a friend means more than just "Hello".

If you believe in Principle A, then is it fair to only apply that principle to those you like? Is it fair to withhold that principle when it comes to people who you don't really like?

For a long time, I thought that the friendship between me and my un-friend is okay because each friendship is unique and different. Each friendship depends on the dynamics between the two people involved. And, this is just how my un-friend happen to see me, and how our dynamics work together.

But, the more I thought about it, the more unhappy I was. Regardless of how our dynamics work, it is not okay for him to disrespect, abuse, mis-use, be mean, rude, insulting and dismissive of me. Regardless of the dynamics involved, a friendship means love, care, and respect. And, too often, the respect part gets lost in the process of expressing "I am your friend".

I used to wonder how it is that my un-friend can moan and complain about how he is Mr. Communication and that his significant other refuses to talk to him about their problems, and yet I can't get any meaningful communication going with him. Despite the many times I have broached the matter with him, the only constant that I can expect from him is his derision. It is *my* fault that we can't talk because I don't talk properly or nicely, and because I sound like I'm attacking him. No matter how sweetly I pitch my voice, I'm being a bitch because I'm taking this up with him.

I've actually had him yell at me for refusing to do something.

In public, he has no problems with putting me down and, in fact, seemed to relish such opportunities; gleefully pointing out my flaws or highlighting characteristics or situations that show what a loser I am.

This was a friend I held with considerable regard. Our acquaintanceship spanned 12 years. But, like Girl A, I needed to get a backbone and a life.

He treats no one else the way he treats me.

I used to call him one of my closest friends, and he mentioned the same sentiment to me once. Maybe I was just dreaming it. I think he believes that I think I'm better than him, and resents me for it. That's why he never passes up an opportunity to put me in my place.

I wonder what possessed me to take 12 years of this bullshit. To allow myself to be treated this way. How many of my friends have seen him treat me the way he does, and think to themselves, "Well, she must deserve to be treated that way since that guy does it to her."

But, I think, most telling of all would be the fact that he switches off, turns a blank face to me, or just disregard me completely when I try to tell him something. I remember the first time I tried to talk to him, he intimidated me so much. He came for the talk and his face and manner was thunderous. He barked at me, and told me to hurry up and why was I taking so long?

And, I forgave him for that.

Sometimes, I think about the girls he goes after and the friends he has in general, and how he goes heads over heels with such effort and thought, practically scrambling over imagined rivals, to be the one to do a chore, job, task or favour for him. And, he can't even bring himself to listen to me openly.

He can't be bothered to even listen. He's already closed off and made his mind up about me. He has no compunction about being rude in public. In fact, he doesn't even remember it. In fact, he doesn't even remember I was there.

This was someone I called friend. I don't know if he called me friend, or if he called me that just because we've known each other for a long time.

How and why did I allow him to treat me this way for 12 years? Why did he continue to treat me like that for 12 years? A friend told me that it's because I'd already set precedent. I did not punish him the first time he acted that way with me, and so , he knew that he could always treat me that way.

He may never change, but I can.

Last week, I actively terminated a friendship, and I'm still mourning it. Despite the sadness, I hope my new backbone won't let me be weak again.

Darren Shan's Cirque du Freak

2010-01-17T03:35:00.004+08:00

Empress wanted to see this movie. And I'd seen the trailer and seen the book series several times. It seems to be pretty popular, but for some reason, I just was not interested enough to read the book. In any case, when Empress asked if anyone wanted to watch this movie, I said "Yes".

I am very happy to report that Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant was a highly entertaining, adventurous and funny movie.

The movie is based on a book series written by Darren Shan. Yes, the main character and the author have the same name. It's one way to achieve immortality :)

It's almost like a typical coming-of-age movie where a young boy comes into his own, but with a twist. There are so many humorous and hilarious moments in the movie. I was engaged from start to finish, and I can't wait for the sequel!

I think what made the movie really work were the characters, the casting, the background against which the story is set, and the story itself. There are no, or little, soppy moments. Our hero does not dash his hand against his forehead, bemoaning his calamities and ill-luck. There are no drama-mamas here, which really makes for a refreshing change. Even the villain is unapologetically villanous.

"I jealous. So, I take revenge, lor!"

Or, something like that.

Our hero, Darren Shan, is a well-meaning boy with inner strength and courage and intelligence. Though sometimes seen as a goody-two-shoes, he is no wuss. When his own actions lead to troubles, he mans up. Attaboy, Darren! Call me in ten years when you're not jail-bait anymore!

The characters are vivid without being over-the-top. The most impressive character is that of Mr. Larsten Crepsley, played with relish and with great humility and success by the talented John C. Riley. You may remember him as Renee Zellweger's poor, besotted husband in the movie "Chicago".

Willem Da Foe is absolutely delicious in his role as Gavner, and you can just see how much he enjoyed the role. It's the only instance I can think of right now where the actor hams it up and, yet, it still falls naturally and seamlessly into the flow of the movie without sticking out like a sore thumb.

Kudos to director Paul Weitz for the magnificent job!

As for the villains ... oh, the villains! Too delicious for words! You will absolutely love hating them! Played with great pomp and presence and menace, the villains present the perfect counterpoint to our hero.

I'm also very happy to see that the screenplay for the movie was co-written by Paul Weitz and Brian Helgeland, who graduated from my alma mater, Loyola Marymount University, and who also won an Oscar for writing "L.A. Confidential".

Another reason to watch the movie? How about Salma Hayek?

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is worth every penny of the ticket price. I'm inspired to try reading the books now!

Machines Need To Breathe, Too

2010-01-14T04:33:00.004+08:00

For the past couple of months, I'd been having a problem with my computer. Just as I was doing something, it would switch itself off with no warning. I thought it was spyware or some kind of virus. I did scans, cleans, defrags, and anything else that came to mind.

But, the problem persisted.

And, it got worse. In the past couple of weeks, I'd be switching my laptop on and having it switch itself off half an hour later. It got so bad that, sometimes, it would switch itself off as soon as I switched it on. Work that I wanted done, especially on rendering videos and all that, just came to a standstill.

I researched the problem on the net and, based on what a tech friend said, as well, I went out and bought the best laptop cooler pad in the market. It is worth it if I don't have to trash my beloved Evil Kitten. Sigh. I can't face having to pick and BUY another laptop at this time.

I thought the problem was resolved when HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA ROTFL ... That's the universe having a good laugh at me.

On the day that I had to prepare a DVD of my portfolio works for an interview, my laptop went ..... DEAD!!!! DEAD!!!! DEAD!!!!!!!!

No matter how many times I booted it up, it died within seconds. I was *this* close to hurling it against the wall.

Fortunately, Little Paw Paws was there to rescue me. I did another round of research on thet net, and found out that the problem could be a blocked cooling vent. Some helpful guy even posted step-by-step directions as well as pictures on how to solve the problem.

There was a couple of hours wasted as I ran from one computer shop to another looking for cans of compressed air to clean the inside of the computer with.

Do you have any idea how many people do not listen properly?

Do you know how many times people gave me the WRONG product or recommendation even though I specifically said that I wanted to clean the INSIDE, the CPU, of my laptop?

EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM!

All of them, without fail, handed me a spray and cleaning cloth for cleaning the LCD screen of my computer. I had to say it again, twice more, "I am cleaning the INSIDE of my computer. The CPU!"

Oh.

Do you have anything cans of compressed air?

No.

Do you have anything that blows air?

No.

Do you have anything that can help me?

No.

Thanks.

I had almost reached the point where I wanted to pick up one of the sales assistants and throw him against the wall. I almost cried at the thought of having to run to another shopping centre, find parking, run to the shops, and repeat the same thing ... all over again.

Finally, I decided to buy a USB vacuum cleaner, hoping that it would do the job as well.

And, it did. I opened up my laptop, and used Little Paw Paws to power the USB vacuum cleaner. It didn't clean as well as the can of compressed air did in the guy's how-to pics, but I cleared a solid layer of dust gunk covering the entire heat vent of my laptop. It was so thick, it could have been cotton.

No wonder Evil Kitten was switching itself off! And, I'm so glad that Evil Kitten is so stubborn as to refuse to remain switched on despite the heat. I would have hated to lose my files due to damage caused by over-heating.

Oh, I hear you asking, "Why didn't you back up your files, dumb ass?"

"BECAUSE THE LAPTOP WOULDN'T STAY SWITCHED ON THAT LONG, DUMB ASS!"

And now ... Evil Kitten is working smoothly. I put her through her paces, and did some heavy work, and it's still alive!

It's alive!

Thank you, Google, for bringing the solution to me. Now, to fix the other 27 problems that my laptop has.

Getting into the Groove

2010-01-11T03:13:00.000+08:00

Ten days into the new year, and I’m still learning to write 2010 instead of 2009.

The new year has started well, in most respects. I’m involved in a new dance show that is slated for the stage at the end of June. I didn’t expect to be slated into so many dances for this production, and am somewhat flattered and scared. There are eight dances altogether, plus one song, and of the eight dances, I’ll be singing in the chorus in about 3 or 4 of them.

I’ve also attended one audition for a production, and am planning to attend another one next week. It was daunting having to prepare one contemporary monologue with 2 contrasting interpretations, as well as one children’s monologue. I was very nervous, but, perhaps thanks to the director handling the auditions, the experience went through smoothly. I don’t think I did my best, but it did whet my appetite to go out for more auditions.

I’m somewhat inspired to do more. When I came out of that audition, even though I knew I didn’t do very well, I felt exhilarated and alive.

I’m also looking for opportunities to choreograph. Hopefully, a few openings will come my way so that I can still keep my hand in choreographing.

On the job front, many of the jobs that I’ve been looking at have not been interesting at all. But, last week, I had a meeting with a former boss who is offering me a chance to interview for a vacancy at her new company. I have my misgivings about the job, but I am flattered that I am remembered and recommended for a job. I will go to the interview and do my best. At least, it is a job in which I have some expertise and am able to do well, but it’s not completely boring or repetitive.

Ten days into the new year, and things are different from what they were 2 years ago. I seem to be returning to the performing arts, and the rat race does not hold much attraction for me any more. I’m still interested in working. I love my work. But, I don’t feel as competitive or as tightly concerned or invested in my work as I used to feel.

In 2010, I want a balanced and fulfilling life. I want to discover myself, push my boundaries, to have no fear, and to let myself bloom. I have held myself back for so long for whatever reason.

Perfect or not, 2010, here I come.

TV is NOT for Talking

2010-01-03T22:02:00.003+08:00

It's not really true that TV does not encourage social interaction, although the confusion is understandable. You know why? Because of its unique features that requires you to both listen and watch at the same time. TV has brought dangers from the deep, new discoveries, laughter, love, breaking news and even cringe-worthy shenanigans of wannabe stars up-close and personal to us. TV has provided conversation fodder for the water-cooler. We banter, discuss, trade comments and opinions, consider feedback, and even re-enact the things we've seen on TV.

Wow! I bet you remember some heated, lively debate or discussion or conversation about some of your favourite TV shows, or the latest sensational news. And, how did you remember details? By watching and paying attention! You want meaningful conversation to go along with that great TV show? That's what advertisements and commercials are for! Wow ... Bet you never thought of that.

Of course, interjected comments like "Whoa! Mr Grimson did it in the parlour with the hammer??!!??" are allowed during the show. And, even adds to the spice of the show itself.

So, what am I ranting about?

I'm ranting about watching a show, and having to attend to conversation-starter type of comments or tolerate heckling, like:

"Oh! It's that guy who won Season 15 of that reality show! Who were the first 14 winners again? Mike, Sandy, Jane, David, .. no, not David ... David was Season 7, right? Who was the Season 4 winner again?"

"They so don't deserve to win! Don't you think so? They're cheaters! CHEATERS! OI! CHEATER! You only won because you cheated!"

"She looks like her father's grandchild. Don't you think? Well, what do you think? Don't you think so?"

"Oh! Who is that, and what are they saying? Why are they saying that?" To which, the only thing I could, but didn't because it would be so rude, say is "If you pay attention to what they're saying, all your questions would be answered. So, shut up and watch."

What's that you say? Just tune them out? Excuse me while I roll around on the ground laughing and crying in frustrated glee while pounding the ground with my milky-white hands.

Tuning them out just turns them on to sulking. And, for the entire duration of the show, this is what you'll be hearing:

"I KNOW it's David for Season 7. It must have been Anna for Season 4. And, then there's Julia, Robert, Patty, and THEN David, and then Nicholas, Nicola, oh! That was easy! Because it's Nicholas, male, right before Nicola, female! So, how did it go again? Mike, Sandy, Jane, Anna, Julia, Robert, Patty, David, Nicholas, Nicola ... The next season is starting soon, right? Right? The auditions have started already? Right? Right?"

All this while the commercial for the audition dates for the next season flashes on the screen.

And, then, someone decides to jump in by insisting you answer a survey list of questions WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO WATCH. And, then, as if they sense that you're irritated about being disturbed while watching the show, they go, "So, what time is the repeat for this show going to be shown?"

Why would I want to watch the repeat if I could watch it now? If I could watch it now, I wouldn't have to wait up till some insane hour of the morning JUST to catch the freaking repeat because someone ruined the original showing for me!

I admit. It got so bad, I couldn't be bothered to be nice and even pay lip service during the commercial breaks. And, throughout the entire time of the show, the only thing I hear rolling ominously in the background, like the thunder that will herald the lightning bolt that will end the world, is a string of self-absorbed, stupid, ill-considered, mean and malicious comments about people they do not know, made upon the basis of gossip they heard somewhere from someone they are either desperately trying to impress or look up to so much that they must be right, and lobbed comments like, "The only reason you won is because your father is rich enough to buy the votes."

I can't believe I'm hearing this unsubstantiated crap. It's the same kind of crap reasoning that other people used against my father, and now someone in my family thinks that they can do it, too?

What the hell happened to proving your goddamned lies, err, sorry, facts, with actual evidence? And, no, just because they're too pretty for your liking doesn't mean that they are automatically guilty. And, just because their brother, uncle, cousin or whatever once made a mistake leading to their car being re-possessed, or whatever, it doesn't mean that the whole family is in debt.

Morons.

Your stupid, mean, malicious, jealousy-ridden remarks DO NOT MAKE ME WANT TO TALK TO YOU!

I am reminded of why I prefer to watch boxed DVD sets, and why I like watching them alone in my room.

TV can be such a great tool for bringing people together, and providing great conversation fodder, and helping you see how other people think.

But, only if you shut up and pay attention first.

You have been warned.

Welcome, 2010!

2010-01-03T03:27:00.002+08:00

And, just like that, it's 2010. Between trying to write for this blog and maintaining a personal journal, it seems like my writing capabilities are being stretched. I remember the days when I used to write at least 5 pages a day in my personal journals, in addition to a couple of short stories a week. I used to write relentless. Maybe because I was quite the emo kid back then, too.

The transition from 2009 to 2010 has been amazing, peaceful and beautiful.

In the past, I'd always thought that ringing in the new year meant standing at some crowded party, screaming "10! 9! 8! 7!..." together with a group of strangers. That idea has never really sat well with me. Perhaps, it's because I'm such a finicky person with well-defined ideas of comfort for maximum enjoyability who finds it difficult to give up control.

I must be able to leave anytime I like. So, traffic jams are anathema to my travel plans.

There must be a clean, well-stocked bathroom. Or, else, I can't drink or eat with peace of mind. Who wants to be stuck at some venue for hours on end with an inadequate toilet?

There must be a place to sit down and relax and rest comfortably. My idea of fun is not fighting for space, or putting on my angry face to make sure no one else steals our space. Those space stealers and encroachers who insidiously insert themselves into my table or space are just plain rude, and I want to smack them. Besides, how do you have fun when you're wondering if your belongings are safe?

Are my friends there? If not, what's the point of crowded spaces?

Maybe, I've just been brainwashed by scores of people who insist that a good time must include alcohol, music playing at a level where normal and dignified conversation is an impossibility, and where personal space is a distant memory.

I like my New Year's Eve party this year. It was a pig-out session at a friend's home, while watching two very funny, very apt, very relevant (to our current situations, that is) movies. Sprawled on the couch, with food and drink within easy reach, screeching with laughter at funny scenes, and interjecting personal insights, opinions and comments at regular intervals, we whiled away the early hours of the new year with more conversation and talk.

I've stuffed myself with food a lot this new year. I guess it's safe to say that one of my new year resolutions is to get to a gym!

Some might call my New Year's Eve celebration low-key to the point of comatose, but it was a beautiful, amazing and wonderful party to me.

Looking back, 2009 has been an amazing year for me. I tried many things that I have never done before, and I'm happy to find out that I can do them well.

Highlights of 2009

Found a job to my specifications and renumeration requirements
Headed a department
Trained and provided training to a group of employees
Tried acting on stage for the first time in a principal role, as well as in an understudy role
Helped to produce a play at Istana Budaya
Helped to source for sponsorship funds
Organised and choreographed a large-scale dance choreography for the first time
Performed "Maunaleo" on stage with two friends
Realised my dream of choreographing many, different dances each week when I became a choreographer on dance reality show programme "Sehati Berdansa" on Astro Ria
My family
The family holiday to Australia
My friends

Feels like I've done more than the list above. I met many people and I learned many things. I hope that continues into 2010.

I have a feeling that 2010 is going to get even better, and is about to bring me bigger and brighter things. I hope 2010 brings you everything you hope and wish for, too.

Happy New Year!

Coming To The End of 2009

2009-12-15T00:57:00.003+08:00

Time moves fast, doesn't it? Seems like only yesterday that it was January, and we were wondering what 2009 will bring us. Now, it's mid-December, and I'm feeling nostalgic and hopeful.

2009 has been a year different from the rest. I don't think I've done anything the same this year that I've done in any of the past years.

If fortune tellers are to be believed, 2010 is going to be even better.

A friend reminded me that now is a good time to start thinking about New Year resolutions that we may or may not keep. Next year, I'd like New Year resolutions that I can actually keep :P

So, what are some of your New Year resolutions?

A Good Break

2009-12-11T02:54:00.002+08:00

It's true what they say. A good break can really rejuvenate the soul and the mind ... even if the body comes back tired.

After the results of Sunday's show, I decided to join my family overseas for the family holiday. Monday was a mad rush for visa and flight tickets. And, I must have left my brain at home because there were SNAFUs and mistakes throughout my holiday.

Regardless of the mishaps and the short time that I had, I still had a great holiday. Shopping was not a priority, although I did get some stuff that are difficult to find here in Malaysia. But, I got to spend time with my parents and family, and I got to do a little sightseeing. And, I got a lot of rest. Night time was spent mostly in front of the TV, watching movies and just chilling out with room service and Coke on ice. It was blissful, stress-free and relaxing.

When I came back home today, my mind and soul felt refreshed. It was good to get out of town. Despite everything going on around me, I felt that my enthusiasm and zest has returned and that I'm having a good time.

I guess it doesn't matter really where you go and how long you stay there. What matters is the quality of the break.

Saving The Best For Last

2009-12-05T22:49:00.004+08:00

The past few weeks have been kind of sluggish. We seemed to do everything right (almost :P), but did not seem to get up there. For some reason, energy and intensity just didn't seem to come together. But, tonight, maybe it was just because we enjoyed the song so much, the beat is so strong, and because it was our last chance to show what we can do.

We saved the best for last. And, it was good :)

Random Recognition

2009-12-04T19:31:00.001+08:00

A funny thing happened last night ...

As I was driving back from taping, I decided to get a drink and some fries from MacDonald's. It's not a really random thing for me to do. I usually drop by for a cold drink as I'm driving home from work.

But, today, as I drove up to the window to collect my drink, the crew at the drive-through window started shouting, "Didie! Didie! BB! BB! (Not sure which name they were shouting since both our names sound similar :P) Sehati Berdansa! Sehati Berdansa!"

And, like the gormless idiot that I am, I just automatically grinned and waved at them. Hahahahaha! I was so surprised that they even connected me to the programme, much less recognised me, that I didn't know what to say. The other crew member was prodding one of the boys, telling him, "Go on. Go ahead! Ask her what you want to know!"

But the guy was too shy to say anything. So, I just said something like "Thanks for your support!"

That was just really random, and just a feel-good moment that made me laugh.

Thank you.

Practise Makes Perfect

2009-12-03T02:36:00.002+08:00

I always forget how much I miss speaking in English until the weekend comes. And suddenly, I blossom from wallflower to hip and fast one-liners in a shoot-'em-up, thriller comedy.

The upside to this is that my Malay has improved to the point where the production crew writers have actually told me, "You don't fumble in Malay anymore. That's great!"

The downside is that I went home and spoke Semenanjung Malay to my family.

I felt so happy to be able to be witty and intelligent, I spammed a group of people on Facebook when I replied a message. And, then replied to clarify. And, then, replied to apologise.

I'm happy that my Malay has improved. But, I'm not good enough yet to be making and cracking jokes ad hoc in Malay.

But, this experience has taught me more tolerance for second-language speakers, and given me more perspective on language learning, and how to be a more effective teacher.

A great experience overall ... but still don't want to forget how to speak Sabahan Malay.

STORY: Hell To Wish For - Part 1

2009-11-29T02:46:00.003+08:00

I did something terrible.

In the movies, the hero (or heroine) would find themselves, near the end of the movie, at a crucial crossroads of sorts. Overcome their pacifist beliefs and inability to commit violence to shoot the bad guy and save the one they love (or save the world), or let their loved one be shot to death, in line with their belief that he or she can and should never harm another human being for whatever reason. Moral dilemmas are cookies. Real gems. Especially when they double up the anxiety by presenting TWO bad guys. One with a gun trained on the love interest, and another with his finger on the button that will send a nuclear bomb to Los Angeles and remove Disneyland from the map (and everyone's wish list) for ever, and the hero (or heroine) standing at the apex of the triangle with only one gun and only one bullet.

What do you do?

And, sometimes, in the movies, the hero (or heroine) has to commit a crime in order to do something good. Maybe, not really for the good of the world. Because, let's face it, the world is pretty screwed up already. But, maybe just for good, in general.

Life isn't always like the movies. Okay, that sounds facetious. When has life ever been like the movies?

So, I did something terrible. I did it with full knowledge and awareness and conscious. In my defense, I was a little rushed. If I had more time, maybe I could have thought things through a little better. But, I made a decision, I'm sticking by it, and I did it, and I accept full responsibility for the consequences that follow.

I did something terrible. And, now I'm being punished for it.

I'm going to hell. It's the only answer I can come up with when the full weight of what I've done has been measured.

They are sending me to hell.

They're sending me back to college. ... Freshman year ... God help me.

.... I hope He's listening. I wasn't being sarcastic or facetious or flippant. ... Please, God.... Help me....

A Little Camera Action

2009-11-27T02:39:00.003+08:00

Just came back from taping, and was admiring my make-up. Since I started in Sehati Berdansa, my make-up skills have improved, although I do admit that I still have a lot to learn. I still look pale under the camera lights, but I don’t have the guts to pile on the make-up.

Still, it’s not a bad effort for someone who didn’t even know how to put on powder.

Went home and decided to play with the camera and a scarf. Check it out! I have a nose in some of the pics!

I look somewhat demented in some photos, but I forget what fun it can be to just let loose and snap pics.

Where your pics?

Your Passion Is Still A Job

2009-11-26T00:17:00.003+08:00

Everyone wants to work in something they're passionate about. And, what's wrong with that? You wake up in the morning, and you want to get to work. You want to do well, and get even better. For many of the people I happen to know, passion lies in the arts. And a good number of them have left day jobs to concentrate on their career in the arts.

I say "Bravo!" to them.

My current job involves one of my great passions as well. And, over the past few weeks, I do meet a lot of people who are passionate about the work that they do in the performing arts. Looking at them and at the people I've met who have declared the performing arts to be their passion and their chosen career path, I am struck by a few thoughts.

This passion that pulls them towards the arts ... Is it because of the thrill of performing in front of a live audience, the challenge of the artistic endeavour, or is it because of the glamourous status and the adoration that are associated with being a well-known performer?

I've met a few people who are obviously in the work that they're in because they crave the glamour and the adoration. And, I've met a lot of people who do it because they genuinely love the work. And, of this second group, many of them work very hard to get even better at what they do.

They attend workshops, take classes, take feedback and criticism, and perform in as many productions as they can, and set milestones to achieve. For some, the milestone may be a challenge to achieve, such as mastering a certain skill in singing. They take the ups and downs in their stride.

But, most of all, they approach their passion like a job ... like a professional.

I've met and heard of too many who seem to have chosen the arts because it's glamourous, and "it's so fun!" I'd like to staple them against the wall and shoot them for wasting my time, wasting other people's time, bringing too much unnecessary drama, and basically treating the arts like a platform for their emo, angst-driven, woe-is-me, drama diva behaviour.

Honestly ... blowing off rehearsals because you're hurt because some dude didn't call you back, or someone in the show wasn't nice enough to you isn't a good enough excuse ... even if you're crying in bed in your best pajamas, hugging the teddy bear your first love bought for you when you were fifteen.

But, okay, maybe this is just down to maturity.

I've also met people who seemed to have chosen a "career" in the performing arts because the idea of working in an actual company or office is, for whatever reason, too scary for them to contemplate. They get heart palpitations just thinking of waking up at 7.30am to get to work by 9am.

What am I yacking on about here? People who think that going into the performing arts is not a "job". It's not 9 to 5, you don't have to wear work clothes, and you don't have to worry about getting yelled at by your boss. Getting yelled at by your director is whole other ball game :P

When it's your passion, working doesn't feel like a "job". But whatever it is that you're making your living at, it is still a "job". It's a job in the sense that you still have to be a professional.

That means, recognising the fact that you were hired or taken on to do a specific task or role. After the interview, also known as an audition, you're given a Job Description.

For a lot of people, a Job Description looks something like this:

Media Relations Executive

Responsible for producing, researching and writing press releases, articles, speeches and other written materials for the company
Handle all incoming enquiries and communications from the media
Update the company website with latest news and updates
Manage and attend to intranet forums
Maintain press clippings of company's news as well as those of competitors and other industry-related entities and news
Etc ....

For the rest of you who don't have a "job" but who have chosen to "devote" yourself to the arts, your Job Description looks something like this:

Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been chosen for the role of Sally in our upcoming production of "Who The Hell Cares"! Please take note of the following rehearsal times, bump-in dates, and any other extra practices.

Do NOT be late for rehearsals! Our director will yell at you till your head falls off.

"Sally" - 20-something Hottie, Soprano

Memorise 120 pages of script
Deliver lines with credibility
Emote realistically where possible
Interact with your fellow castmates in your specified role in order to create a setting of believability for the audience
Memorise and sing 1 solo, 2 duets, 3 trios, and 6 ensemble numbers
Dance
Do all of these well enough to entertain paying audience so that they'll go out and tell other people to come and watch us
Do all of this well enough to justify the investment we've put into it
Attend all rehearsals
Attend all tech rehearsals and bump-in rehearsals
Be available for all shows

There's a job description, and there are certain things expected of you. Hello! It's still a job! Only difference is, it's something you like, for whatever reason that may be.

I think that artistic productions should come with special notes, like:

Please note:

NO! - We did not put on this production to pander to your self-delusions of talent and glamour-seeking tendencies. We put on this production to tell a story. Not because we think you're so damned good and devoted and talented that we could put you and a cow on stage and still sell out every night.
The roles given to you belong to US. You have the role because you fit it best. You have it for this production. Execute the role according to director's specifications. Not yours. The director's. Don't like what we want or what the director wants? Then, please say "No". It's okay. We will find someone else.
The performing arts doesn't mean that it's okay to come in 10 minutes late, or skip a practise because you only have 3 lines in that scene anyways. This is a group effort, and if you're on stage with everyone else at the same time, then you damned well better be at rehearsals. If this is too much for you, please remember that you can say "No".
If you cannot come for rehearsals, or memorise the script, or the director realises that a piece of cardboard has more acting talent than you, then HELLO! YOU HAVE FAILED TO DO YOUR JOB! Apparently, in theatre-speak, all this means "I couldn't get my muse. For some reason, the creative force was not with me. That's why I couldn't do it." If you ever wondered how people like Meryl Streep, John Malkovich, Christina Ricci and Johnny Depp got so good, it's because they don't depend and whine about waiting for their muse to come to them. They go and get it.

That's the difference between whiny little shits who talk about "the role is mine" and real talents like Meryl Streep. Those little snots just talk and imagine and fantasise, and get all emo when things don't go their way.

Real talents like Meryl Streep are professionals. They don't wait for their muse. They go and get it. Being professional means that you understand that there has been agreement and an expectation of some output or result.

Being professional means that you realise that you still have to do the job. You still have to perform even if your cousin's cute pet rabbit died the day before. It means that just because your boyfriend didn't reply to your last SMS, you still come in for rehearsal and ACT.

People look at the word "job" like it's such a bad word. And, they think that once they're doing something that they love, it's not a "job" anymore. It's passion! It's a labour of love!

I'll tell you what I find wrong with this. All the people I've met who tell me that it's a passion and a labour of love ... they fluffed on client meetings, don't follow up on emails and calls, don't follow through, don't do proper research, and don't do enough preparation. In short, they're not professional.

You can be professional and still have fun.

Choosing not to call it a job doesn't absolve you of responsibility to deliver the goods.

In short, if you don't take your passion seriously enough to perform it professionally, then it's not a passion or even THE passion. It's just a long-term diversion in your life that's fun for you, and hell for everyone else.

The Annual Pruning of the Friends List

2009-11-24T02:26:00.001+08:00

I think Facebook is a great social and networking site. And I thank Facebook for re-connecting me with so many old friends I had once thought lost. Thanks to Facebook, I found my old high school best friends, old college best friends, and former work-mates.

I think Facebook also removes a lot of restrictions and boundaries that we would have observed in a real-life setting. This is both good and bad. It makes one more inclined to step up to someone and express your intention of getting to know that person better.

It's bad because it's also lazy, somewhat superficial, and open to abuse.

I think many here would attest to getting numerous, random Add Friend request from people we don't know at all who are, for the most part, connected to us through another friend, or are complete strangers. What I find funny and annoying about these Add Friend requests are that these people are complete strangers to me, and they don't even include a short, introductory message to say "Hi".

In the early days, I used to just add them, thinking that I could always delete them afterwards. And I usually do because, once added, there is no more contact. So much for that "getting to know you" part. But there's that expectation that you should and would accept their Add Friend request. And you feel pressured. And, then, you learn to just say "No".

Then, there are those who you kind of know, and think, "Okay, I DID meet this person through work or another friend." And, then, your inbox gets flooded with messages about their latest endeavours, clubs and what-nots. And, when you do meet up in public, the first thing the other person says is, "So, what's your name?"

The third group is the most painful for me - people you actually do know, who does recognise you in public, but who probably doesn't give a damn about you. Sometimes, I look at the number of friends in my list, and I think, "How many would actually recognise me on the streets? How many actually cares about what I am doing now and how I am doing? And how many would actually cry if I died?"

So, over the next couple of weeks, I'll be pruning my Friends List. I truly apologise if I offend anyone with this, or accidentally delete anyone who has just been too busy to log onto their Facebook account. But, chances are, if you're reading this, you don't have to worry about this. On the other hand, if you don't read this or don't care, then you probably won't miss me on your Friends List.

Happy Facebooking, everyone!

The Little Things in Life

2009-11-22T03:41:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, you get caught up with things and with thoughts, that you forget that today and this moment right now is perfect as it is and that you are as happy as you can be.

Sometimes, it just feels as if you need to stop for a while, and just do something silly or fun to lift yourself out of the doldrums and feel as good as you can.

Sometimes, all it takes is a bunch of flowers.

I was running errands the other day to replenish toiletries, and I ran across a florist shop. And, this thought flashed through my head, "Why not get some flowers?" I thought about the price, and thought, "Hang the price. It will be worth it." So, I got 2 stalks of my favourite flowers in white and yellow. The daisies cost me RM5 in all.

Pretty good price to cheer up my day and brighten a room.

They still put a smile on my face :)

Taking Things for Granted

2009-11-19T03:26:00.003+08:00

There are a lot of things that we take for granted. Like the fact that our hearts beat on its own without conscious thought, and that it beats constantly, without rest. Like the fact that we still have the strength to open a jar or a bottle. Like knowing how to touch type. And, knowing how to dance.

This week, my celebrity couple, Didie Alias and husband Sham, will be taking on dances with a Latin flavour for Astro Ria's Sehati Berdansa Malam Latin (Latin Nite).

We got the song "Lambada". And it was such a joy, because this is the first song we got that's in English, and the first song that we've actually heard of before!

I kind of took it for granted that teaching them to put a little swivel into their hips won't be too much of a problem. After all, Empress can do it, and my bellydancing students are doing it. I knew it might be a problem, but I guess I took it for granted that the techniques I learned to teach to others will work for them as well.

It took quite a while to teach them to swivel, sashay and let their hips swing, especially for the guy. But I'm so happy that they did so well. And I'm so happy that they're really enjoying the dance, and going into it full-swing.

I'm hoping that we'll do really well on the night of the performance. At the very least, I want them to enjoy themselves, and come out thinking and feeling that, yes, we did our best, and we feel great!

Whatever comes, we won't take it for granted that we did a great job! :)

Vote for Didie Alias and Sham! Send DANSA DIDIE to 32999 now!

Begging To Be Abused

2009-11-15T00:10:00.002+08:00

It’s not my fault …

I was born to humble mommy-cat, whose only goal in life was to eat something more palatable than rabid, feral rats. She loved without prejudice, and carried me and my siblings to full-term with no feelings of ill will towards either us or the baby-daddy.

It’s not my fault that I was born stunningly adorable. But, it’s a fate that I have learned to accept with dignity and grace.

They named me El Diablo.

I’ve learned to accept their loving ways, no matter how brutish and un-gentle. After all, I am a gentleman.

But, you know, sometimes, a cat just needs some time alone.

But, cuteness such as mine, was never meant to be hidden away from the world. Even if it does mean tolerating bunny ears on my kitty noggin.

Perhaps, one day, we can learn to temper this love with a little bit of respect and some consideration for space and time alone.

In the meantime, I take my revenge … I mean, solace … by sleeping on top of their cars … and leaving my unmistakably cute and indelible footprints on their windshields and bonnets.

I am cuteness personified. Besides, what else can they do about it?

Beware The Models!

2009-11-11T02:21:00.002+08:00

I've bought a couple of things from online shops, or blogshops, as I like to call them. I like the convenience of shopping without leaving my house, and I like the variety, too. I see a lot of stuff that I don't really see out in the shops, and I find a lot of stuff in cuts and patterns that I like. And, most of the time, the price is either cheaper or comparable to an actual shop, even with postage.

Of course, there are times when you make a boo-boo. And I blame all these mistakes on the model.

People, myself included, forget that models are selected for one big reason - clothes look good on them. Hence, the moniker "human clothes-hanger". And, I forget that I'm not a Korean, I'm not slim, I'm not tall and I have lots of curves.

I just got a dress that is lovely to behold. It jumped out at me as one of those "Gotta have it!". Most of the time, I pick out pieces that I like, clip their pics to my Microsoft OneNote, and then spend the next couple of weeks gazing adoringly at them until the feeling passes. But, once in a while, I see something that immediately kicks my brain into action.

This lovely dress looked really good in the picture in the blog. And, when it finally arrived, it was no less lovely. The only thing un-lovely about it are my hips. Hips don't lie, and mine are too big for the dress. I stuffed myself into the dress to try it out, and even if I lost 10 kg, I will never fit into that dress.

I blame it on the slim model with long lines and extra 5 inches of height.

So, next time you see a lovely dress on a blog, take a look at the model, too. If she doesn't look anything like you, you better make sure you know the size and/or the cut or style of the dress suits you already.

Otherwise, you'll be posting an item up on Shopping Gazebo selling a pre-loved item that is basically new.

Beware the models!

Little Blessings

2009-11-08T05:05:00.004+08:00

It was a Friday, and my first day off after intense rehearsals. I was driving to an appointment, and feeling a bit stressed out because I was thinking to myself that, if my couple and I do not get eliminated, the madness begins anew on Sunday night. And I was stressing myself out wondering how I would be able to come up with choreography that would be effective and attractive and entertaining, and still make it simple and yet challenging enough for my couple.

But I was enjoying the drive and I soothed myself by listening to music. And, it gradually dawned on me – Here I am, driving a car that operated well. The air-con was working, the tires and suspension were working, and the radio was blasting my favourite music. The ride along DUKE highway was smooth and uninterrupted.

How lucky am I to be able to drive a car in good condition, heading towards an appointment that means that I’m earning money, having the time to drive there at a leisurely pace, and with good music to keep me company?

The sky was beginning to darken with the promise of heavy rain. And, yet, at that moment, I felt that the world was beautiful and perfect in its entirety.

I took a picture to remind myself of the beautiful view I had as I was driving. To remind myself of the little blessings in my life that make up and contribute towards bigger blessings. Life isn’t perfect. But, there are moments of such utter perfection that reminds you that life is beautiful.

I hope I never forget this lesson. And, I hope, that when I’m tired and cranky and crying for my bed and some good rest, I will look at this picture, and remind myself that there may be rainclouds on the horizon, but they will soon pass and life will be beautiful again.

5, 6, 7, 8 - A Daily Gratitude

2009-11-05T01:10:00.006+08:00

Lately, it feels as if my daily uniform is my dancewear. I wear dance pants and top for 4 days a week. And I really, really miss my wardrobe. I have many lovely tops and dresses that I would like to wear. But changing into a nice dress that's been crumpled up in my bag after 5 hours of dancing just doesn't seem appealing. I'm stinky, sweaty, and I'm wearing a dress that doesn't look all that great after hours of being stuffed inside a bag.

Lately, it also feels as if the only thing coming out of my mouth these days are "5, 6, 7, 8". As well as "1, 2, 3, 4".

But I am having a blast. And I am living a dream of sorts. I have always wanted an opportunity to choreograph different dances. Not just be known as a bellydance or jazz dance person. And, here I am, on Sehati Berdansa, living that dream out loud!

It's very stressful trying to come up with choreography, complete with concept and costume, overnight. But it's also challenging and fun. And, I have to admit, I'm having a ball.

I'm glad that so far, my celebrity couple, Didie Alias and her husband, Sham, loves the choreography I've set for them. And I'm so happy that they enjoy performing the dances so much. They've done really well, as far as I'm concerned. It really comes through in their dancing how much they enjoy dancing. And, rehearsals have been such a joy, in spite of the anxiety, the stress, the burden of impending deadlines, and the headache of finding costumes in time.

I am so grateful for this chance to dance and choreograph. It's a dream come true. And I'm so happy and grateful to have a couple like Didie and Sham, learning my choreography, and bringing it to life on the dance floor. No, they're not professional dancers or even trained dancers. But, they dance with all their hearts, and they infuse themselves with the music and the spirit of the dance, and go all out with the aims of giving their best and enjoying themselves as well.

In my book, that makes them dancers already.

Thank you to Astro, and to all my friends who encouraged me to go for this, for this amazing opportunity to choreograph dances, and for making a dream come true. And, thank you to Didie and Sham for putting so much of themselves into rehearsals and the performance.

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and grow. Thank you for the new faces, new people, new experiences, and new feedback.

Pain & Growth

2009-10-31T05:01:00.002+08:00

So many new experiences, lots of new people, new input, new feedback, new perspectives and new feelings. The whole month has been a great learning experience. I haven't been updating as often as I want to, and this has been a recurring theme this month. I will try harder to keep to my promise.

Sometimes, I wonder why I always feel so much pain inside. But I take a moment to look back and see how far I've come. It's interesting because when I meet up with friends who knew me from a few years back, and they make some comment or disparaging remark about me or my behaviour, it reminds me of how far I've come. And I learn something new about myself, too - just because someone is stuck in a rut about what they think of me, it doesn't mean that I have to play to the stereotype of me that they have in their heads.

I am me, and I have moved on. And, if I have to maintain to that image of me that they have in their heads, then perhaps they're not really friends at all but more like good-time buddies.

I have also noticed that people don't really ask me how I'm doing, or, if they do, they quickly change the subject when I do share or reply. I understand that it's a courtesy question. And I acknowledge that a part of me is hungry to share my life with them so I tend to talk too much or share too much, and other people just switch off. Like I noticed recently a friend who asked me how I was doing and then turned her head away when I replied "Good". Maybe I'm just being stupid, and "Good" is the standard answer that everyone is supposed to give. But I once was close to her, or felt close to her. It's not the case nowadays, but lives diverge and people go on to have different experiences.

I think I just assume too much, and mistake politeness and good manners in other people for actual signs of friendship and caring.

Or, maybe, what they really want is just for me to shut up.

And, then, I get other people saying that I don't open up, I'm not approachable because I don't share things about myself, I don't seem friendly, and I get scolded by other people for not "marketing" myself by tooting my own horn a little or pushing myself out there a little bit more.

It's tough trying to find that line, and keep a balance.

This month has brought even more experiences that has made me wonder even more and think more about myself. Sometimes, it's enough to make you think, you know what, I think I'll just check out of this whole thing.

We all suck.

It hurts and it sucks. And if I were a postal worker, I'd be off buying a gun right now.

And, then, I'm reminded of the time I lost my baby teeth and grew my permanent teeth, and the time I had braces on to straighten a crooked tooth.

Change is always painful, especially if you're pushing yourself out of the comfort zone. But, the pain that you feel is also an indication of growth.

So, thank you for the pain and for the growth that comes with it. I hope to take something positive out of all this. If not, the crazy chick you'll be reading about in the papers who took a Starbucks hostage with a home-made fire-arm while clutching a shopping bag full of Coke will be me.

A Daily Gratitude

2009-10-26T05:21:00.000+08:00

Thank you for the pain that lets me know that I'm growing out of my comfort zone. Thank you for the mirror that shows me my true face. And thank you for the gift of loving myself despite knowing and seeing myself as I truly am.

Butterflies

2009-10-18T21:32:00.002+08:00

Introducing the return of ....! The Butterflies! Feel them flutter! Feel them fly! Feel them turn your tummy into mush!

Tomorrow is the first day of rehearsal for me and my couple. And I have butterflies in my tummy. I've been going over dance steps and choreography, and hoping that everything goes well.

Learning to breathe right now...

Blue Skies, Raining Heart

2009-10-17T01:18:00.003+08:00

"Blue Skies, Raining Heart", choreographed by Teresa Chian, aka 3sa, of Living Arts Dance Studio, was staged for one last time at the official opening of the new Actor's Studio @ Lot 10 Rooftop on Thursday night.

This time around, 3sa added some additional choreography to the piece that made it tighter, more cohesive and meaningful, and even more poignant.

Performing the dance again, with the added elements, brought new flavour to it for me as a performer. Contemporary dance is relatively new to me, and the experience has jarred some new doors and windows in my mind to open.

I am grateful to 3sa, and to the other dancer and performers of "Blue Skies, Raining Heart" for this wonderful experience.

I've got to take some contemporary classes for the techniques, and some yoga so I can turn myself into a human pretzel like Indra. Check her out at SunYoga KL.

More training! More dance classes! More performances!

Responding To Criticisms and Arguments

2009-10-09T23:46:00.001+08:00

Since I got back into the performing arts (I *could* say "... returned to the performing arts...", but that sounds like I'm some sort of expert or someone who's really good or talented. I'm just a dingbat, unfortunately), I've noticed many things. One of the things that have struck me is a kind of intolerance or lack of capacity for criticism or feedback aside from the positive that is pitched or presented in an almost sycophantic way.

Everyone says that they appreciate feedback, but it doesn't seem to be actively solicited nor received well in any form except outright compliments. I do understand and emphatise that criticism, constructive or otherwise, is and can be difficult to take, much less accept. How many times have I sat in my bosses' offices, listening to how well or how poorly I managed a recent assignment? It's even worse when it's in a group setting, like a meeting.

Ouch.

And, yet, I do appreciate the chance to make up for shortcomings.

But, to bring this topic back into focus, this fear of criticism, or of opening up any sort of substantial dialogue for fear of starting an argument, has led me to quite a number of blogs that are cautious in words, subject matter and presentation. It's nice to see some restraint and some well-chosen words, but, sometimes, it just seems so clear that they're afraid that someone will take great offense and leave something nasty in their comments box.

I can't say I blame them. I wouldn't want mean comments either. But, sometimes, there just isn't a way to avoid it. You just accidentally use the wrong term or say something in a way that leads someone to a different conclusion.

I came across this article, and it has some encouraging and useful tips on how to handle criticism.

What A Drunk Swiss Guy Can Teach You About Handling Criticism by Johnny B. Truant.

I think the lesson here is that everyone is different, and you have to learn to appreciate other people's perspectives and views. We have to learn not to jump to the conclusion that just because someone chose to highlight something negative to us, it doesn't mean that they're out to get us, hurt us, make us look bad, or just making us their punching bag for the day. Sometimes, it's not really about us.

But, how we handle the situation can speak volumes about how we are.

So, to all bloggers, writers and sentient beings out there, stand strong. Speak your mind. Clearly and respectfully. And let's give ourselves, and others, a little respect and dignity in the way we conduct ourselves. Especially since this is cyberspace.

Freedom of speech doesn't mean that there is also an attending absence of responsibility. The freedom is there because the assumption of responsibility for one's self and respect for others is a foregone conclusion.

A Message To Keep You In Control

2009-10-06T18:40:00.004+08:00

I remember thinking to myself when I was younger how much I hated the situation I sometimes found myself in, or the things I felt I had to do. And, this is a running theme with almost everyone I meet. They hate what they have to do, what they have to go through, and they hate even more the results that they get by doing the things that they hate. Even though the results are exactly what they wanted.

Sometimes, it does feel like it's difficult to go on, and you don't know why you're plodding ahead anyways.

I got this Angel Message a while back that succinctly said what I had decided for myself so long ago. If you don't like what you have right now, then make plans and take steps to change things to what you want. If I don't like what I'm achieving, then why am I doing it?

I guess these are the thoughts that run through the minds of those who gave up their high-paying jobs to work for NGOs, charities, or start their own small businesses.

And, as an important addition to the lesson already learned, I also learned that life is fluid. The only thing that is constant is change. So, I've learned, and am still learning, not to fret so much if my needs and wants change over time. As time passes, I, too, change. But, as long as I take responsibility for my journey, and act responsibly and with forethought, I think I'm going to have a wonderful journey.

First Contemporary Dance Performance

2009-10-05T19:11:00.002+08:00

I performed in a contemporary dance piece for the first time on Saturday, 3 Oct 2009. We rehearsed for about 2 and a half weeks before that. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the dance was more self-expression than technique.

The piece is called "Blue Skies, Raining Hearts" and is choreographed by Teresa Chian of Living Arts Dance Studio. According to my understanding of the dance, the piece is about the burdens of sorrow, abandonment and disappointment that we carry in our lives. Even though the skies are blue, our hearts are still crying.

For our first rehearsal, Teresa, or 3sa, as she is also known, asked us to bring a few items that represent sadness, sorrow, abandonment and disappointment to us. We spent quite some time talking about the items we brought, and what they mean to us. And, Teresa worked with us individually to help bring out our stories through dance.

The other dancer in the piece, Michelle, brought a colouring book, a hand-drawn picture and a castanet. I brought a pair of ballet pointe shoes, a dress and a picture of Evil Bunny.

The dress was supposed to be a stand-in for another dress that I'd received as a gift from an ex-boyfriend who turned out to be less than perfect. I guess the dress was a kind of bribe from him to tolerate his gross misbehaviour because, hey, he's such a great boyfriend, isn't he? After all, he bought me a dress. So, disappointment and sorrow there.

The ballet shoes were disappointment, sorry and abandonment. They are symbols from my early days in dancing when I used to get passed over for dances because I had no ballet training. They said that I wasn't trained, not good enough, so I'can't be in this dance or that dance. It irked me no end. And made me sad. I mean, they weren't even doing ballet dances. It was just normal, jazz, or hip-hop stuff. Oh, well.

The picture of Evil Bunny is self-explanatory. I still miss her. But I don't feel the same depth of sorrow as before. Looking back, I think that the Breathe event in August was the final catharsis.

It has been a very interesting and very intensive journey. The rehearsals involved a lot of talking about feelings, perceptions and ways of expression through dance. I would never have thought of expressing sorrow and disappointment through fast, frenetic movements.

We were the first piece to be presented on Saturday. There were some glitches, as usual. Our tech rehearsal was very slow, but Teresa managed to get things done, tech-wise, although we didn't have time to run through our entire piece with tech.

It was a good experience, and I wouldn't mind exploring contemporary dance further. It's so physical. We did some interesting lifts, leverages and energy transfers.

Next step: more dance classes.

Bad Thoughts Need Action

2009-09-30T00:36:00.002+08:00

Ramadan has been a very trying month not because of the fasting but because of the mental assault. It was with huge relief that I welcomed Raya, thinking that with better eating patterns and a good night's sleep, all the mental burdens and negative thoughts that have been plaguing my Ramadan days would disappear.

How sweet that the universe has other plans for me.

Even after Raya, the thoughts continued to plague me. I've had days when I woke up from sleep only to have my brain suddenly switch on and immediately start thinking about issues I thought I had left behind or did not care about. The effect is bizarre. Imagine coming out of a nice, deep sleep, and *CLICK* ... Your brain begins this litany of anger, sorrow, anguish and discontent.

Many times, I've stopped myself and thought to myself, "That's enough." But, it doesn't stop. It didn't stop during Ramadan, and it has continued till now. And I thought that, perhaps, the reason why I have not been able to stop my mind from thinking about it, and the reason why my brain seems to have an automatic "Play" button set to start on it once I wake up, is because I need to deal with the issue at hand.

Is there really an issue, I wondered? So, my brain threw a lot of instances, events, real experiences and examples at me. Reminding me. Telling me. Okay. So, I need to take action. Come to some sort of plan to execute, and resolve this once and for all. Or else, my brain will never leave me alone.

I did come to this conclusion a few times before, but never really went ahead with the execution. It seemed kind of drastic and final. And I have no idea how the other person will react. But, it seemed to me, that the only factor I can control is myself.

Once I came to this conclusion and plan of action, my brain settled down, but it's nagging me again to take action. So, I'm kind of sitting on the fence right now.

One way or another, this thing will take care of itself. Right now, I'll just take care of myself first.

Wishing For More Height

2009-09-24T00:49:00.003+08:00

I like visiting some fashion and style blogs for the inspiration, the great ideas in fashion, and tips on how to put other pieces together for a winning look. I've learned that not everything will look good on me, even if the damned mag says that it's perfect for curvy petites. Like mermaid skirts and dresses. Because of that, I don't usually go for the style, and I don't really miss it ... until now ...

Face Hunter just put up some pictures from the London Fashion Week of one of the attendees, or just someone who happened to be fabulously dressed as she walked by Face Hunter. And she totally rocked the fish-tail, mermaid long skirt look!

I think you need height to carry it off. A lot of length to let that skirt taper off gently and elegantly into the mermaid's tail.

What would I trade for more height?

My looks? It ain't much, but at least I don't send people running into places of worship claiming to have found their faith again.

My imagination? No. What else would keep me occupied during boring meetings? :P

Hmmmm ... I don't want to trade anything of mine. I just want to add. Now, can someone please tell me where I can download the plug-in or install the software for more height, please? Will pay for good software :P

It's Raya!

2009-09-20T04:01:00.003+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri!

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

It's finally Raya! Have I been good? Yes and no. I fasted this year. There was the usual mind games, but with an extra twist. I'm usually trying to control my patience and willing myself to not break fast in the middle of the day. This year, staving off the hunger pangs has been relatively much, much easier. But, the mind games, for some reason, has become worse both in focus and intensity.

I've had days of extreme self-loathing. Ramadan has forced myself to look at myself in a very bare manner. Even with the presence of self-awareness, there's the voice that still says, "No, B. You really *are* like this." It has been days of blows like this, coming and hitting relentlessly. Revelations that make me realise, "I'm not a pretty person. Inside or out."

It makes one glad for the friends that one has, and for the love that is in one's life. But, at the same time, it makes one feel like one is useless, unwanted, unloved, unneeded. And, it makes one question, "Why carry on?"

What is this perpetual fight for survival, for life, for moving forward? What's wrong with just stopping? Accepting?

Do I try to make people like me? Do I try to maintain myself as I am? Do I try to change myself? Should I be more demure, more agreeable, less talkative, less opinionated?

I think people who like me will like me, regardless. And, I think that people who don't like me will continue to dislike me, regardless of what I do. So, screw that.

I'll change what I want to. For myself. Not for you. Not for them.

Maybe I should try to be less angry, too. But, why?

Interesting thoughts and tough times that I don't think will necessarily end with Ramadan.

Still, Raya is a wonderful time to count our blessings, celebrate what we have right here, right now, and fortify yourself for the journey ahead. Because that's what life is. It's a journey.

And my wish for Raya is for everyone to travel on their own respective journeys in a safe manner, with forethought, consideration, patience and love.

Have a wonderful Raya, and a beautiful journey.

BlogShopping Nightmare at Lush Serendipity

2009-09-16T21:48:00.005+08:00

As mentioned in the last post, I've been spending quite a bit of time recently going through blogshops here in Malaysia. I see a lot blogs that offer something akin to reward points, and they post up the names and the number of points each member has on their blogs. And, I thought, "Wow! That's working the old CRM!" I kind of figured that there must have been one or two bad transactions, and even the odd nightmare customer. But, the absolute worst is the nightmare blogshop. And, today, after hearing from a friend how her maid was ill-treated at the Village Grocer in Bangsar Village I over a misunderstanding on shoplifting, I came across another article about bad business practices shortchanging the customer.

You see something you like, you really, really like, and you decide to go for it. Your hard-earned money. And, you've decided to splurge or treat yourself to that one item (or maybe 2 or 3). Heh. Just make sure you don't spend it at Lush Serendipity.

I first found out about this nightmare blogshop over at Emmagem. The article, How To Be a Great Online Shop, talked about to handle customer complaints or deal with an unsatisfactory sales transaction.

All my life, working for myself and working for others, I've always been told, cautioned and taught that you don't EVER treat the customer badly. NEVER. Because if the customer doesn't screw me up, my boss definitely will. Business can be based on friendship, but business is, above all else, always business. I've always heard complaints about the bad customer service we have here in Malaysia.

And, this, ladies and gentlemen, is the perfect example.

Not only did the kids at Lush Serendipity not reply to emails (despite being able to update their blog during the same time span that the unhappy customer sent several emails to them), but they also refused to pick up calls or return messages.

Wow.

It was dawning on me, as I read the account of this poor woman's experience, that the kids at Lush Serendipity must really be kids! It was only when this woman contacted the owner of fashion and blogshop directory A Shopaholic's Den, who happened to know the kids at Lush Serendipity personally, that she was finally able to make some headway.

And, even then, ... OMG ... I'm going to have to go all Valley Girl here .... Those kiddies at Lush Serendipity? They, like, didn't even say "Sorry", really? They just went kinda like "Whatever", and said some shizz like "Our policy is No Refunds" and "All Sales Are Final", and blah blah blah, right? And the woman was like, "Fo' shizzle, ya schemies! It ain't a sale if you didn't sell me what I wanted!" And she was all like, I asked for this, but you gave me that, so it ain't a sale.

And the kiddes from Lush Serendipity was all uppity and did that Malaysian thing, you know? The one where if you wanna put the fear of ISA in someone, you just say some shizz like "I know people in high places, y'all!" And, yeah, so this chick-kiddee told the woman, her customer, who she stiffed quite royally ... little chick-kiddee went like, "Don't you dare threaten me, blondie! I know very well-connected people like lawyers and all!" ... Maybe one of them could give you a quick lesson on the basics of Customer Relationship Management, good business ethics, proper professional conduct, and tell your parents to make you concentrate on your PMR instead of running around taking other people's money and giving them unsatisfactory mismatched products, instead?

*Valley Girl Mode - OFF*

If you want to hear the first-hand account of the actual tale, go visit Frocking Around. The dissatisfied customer puts up the actual account of her ordeal. It's enough to make you want to organise a stoning.

And, here's some good info on your consumer rights from Book of Fashion.

So, the next time someone tries to stiff you on a sales transaction, or threatens you, or resort to such pitiful bully tactics a la Lush Serendipity, don't forget ... you DO have the law on your side. So, flex that legal muscle and save all your receipts and communications.

That said, this could just be an isolated incident. Maybe everyone at Lush Serendipity was having PMS at the same time, or just received some really bad news that put them into shock for a few days, or they were just blur as hell.

However, a very good lesson to take away from here is:

Don't submit to the bullying.
Be polite and professional.
Save all the evidence - receipts, emails, invoices and so on.

Remember! This is YOUR money being TAKEN from you. You sat in an office from 9am to 5pm, putting up with all the good and bad that office life can throw at you, to earn that money. Don't let a couple of bullies tell you that it's their right to take that money away from you just because they were idiots enough to pack the wrong things into the package and can't even be bothered to make a proper apology. You worked hard for that money, so fight for it!

Sorry, blood boiling also because of the first story that I mentioned. A friend's maid, and, yes, this is someone I know personally who chose to let us know her experience first-hand to warn us, absent-mindedly walked out of Village Grocer at Bangsar Village 1 with a couple of items in hand because she can't read or write and had, instead, memorised the entire shopping list. Before she stepped out of the store, some of the employees shouted out at her that she was still carrying items unpaid for. And, then, the store manager came in, and started yelling and abusing the poor maid.

He made her sit in his office for an hour and threatened to call the police. When my friend arrived at the scene, she spoke with the police officer who concluded that they weren't needed and left immediately. And the store manager told her that the penalty is some ridiculous price of RM500, more than 10 times what the items were worth. He said that this is the punishment or the penalty. But, when pressed, he admitted that the store actually had no policy on how to treat shoplifting cases. It looks like they have no policy for Customer Relationship Management, either. In the end, he demanded that my friend pay for the items including a RM50 penalty, which he said would be donated to a charity.

How much do you want to bet that the RM50 is going into his pocket? I've never heard of such a thing!

Two bad and sorry tales of business today. At least, fore-warned is fore-armed. I'm definitely not spending my money at Lush Serendipity or at Village Grocer anymore.

Thinking About Fashion

2009-09-15T23:13:00.005+08:00

For the past few days, while I was supposed to have fixed my computer, installed all necessary apps and progs, and downloaded updates, I have, instead, been surfing the fashion blogs. Two discoveries thus far:

1. I'm not a fan of Korean, Japanese or Hong Kong or Chinese fashion.

I'll admit that there are one or two pieces that caught my eye. But, overall, the whole cutesy, six-year-old Lolita discovering their innocent sexuality and 20-somethings trying to recreate the cuteness of a five-year-old and look sexy in the process just doesn't appeal to me. And all those ruffles! The only ones who seem to look good in this are skinny chicks with dyed light brown hair that has been curled into perfect waves, with kohl-lined eyes, and who always appear in photographs as if they're Bambi caught in the headlights just as they're about to squat down for a pee.

So, I've learned the blogosphere and just passed over blogs that admit upfront that they're into Korean fashion, as well as those with overly cutesy names like A Poet's Seoul Dream.

2. I'm a fan of fashion.

I do try to dress as well as I can, most of the time. But, I never really considered myself fashion-conscious. I just try to dress in a way that makes me look presentable, and not like I just came out of the monsoon drain where I'd been fishing for dead rats. But, looking through the blogs and everything else, I realise that I do appreciate an outfit that has been put together well. And I appreciate outfits with distinctive and individual twists and touches.

I've found a couple of blogs that satisfies my fashion curiousity and whose artistry has left me feeling sated yet hungry for more. A great example is The Sartorialist. He or she is a fashion photographer by profession, and, everywhere he travels, he takes pictures of people who show their distinctive taste and flair in fashion. The way they put their outfits together to really reflect their own individuality astounds me and inspires me.

One good example can be found in the following link - http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/2009/09/on-streetlauren-nyc.html

I love the outfit, the way she presents herself, and the way that she has been captured here. And what really caught my eye was the bag. Everything else seems to say casual, understated, comfortable, at ease, down to earth and muted. And then, bang! That bag just comes out of nowhere and makes a statement. It's so out of line with the rest of the theme of the look. It looks like a business bag that has seen one job too many. And, yet, it complements and completes the look.

I want that bag!

The whole thing has started me wondering about my own sense of style, and the way I present my individuality to the world with the pieces I elect to wear on a daily basis. I'm also reminded of all the pretty clothes I've bought over the years that are basically decorating the inside of my closet because I'm keeping them for the "perfect time" - the right time to wear them, the right occasion to wear them, the right body to flaunt them. I've decided not to wait anymore. The clothes are going to waste as they lie in my closet. It's time to bring them out and work them into my daily life.

Now, I have to go and clean my closet. Not just for the cleaning that I have to do, but also to think about what I like to wear, what I want to wear, and what I should wear ... tomorrow.

The Autotelic Life

2009-09-11T02:53:00.003+08:00

I came across this interesting article called The Art of Work written by American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Mee-high CHICK-sent-me-high-ee). It describes perfectly the feelings and the reasons why I love to work.

I used to just call it "The Zone". When you get into the Zone, everything just ... flows. You're working non-stop, and being very productive about it, too. It's creative, it's productive, it's efficient and it's effective. And I love every moment of it. Next thing I know, I look up and the clock says it's been four or five hours since I first began. But I feel so refreshed, so energised! I feel like I can keep going on and on!

This is what I always look for in my work. Something that not only excites me, but also pulls me in so completely that I get into the Zone. It feels so fulfilling and so enriching and rewarding on its own. Csikszentmihalyi calls this "the autotelic experience" where the activity and/or the experience itself is its own reward.

Csikszentmihalyi has been doing this for years and years, however, and he has broken things down into workable components that can be applied to things like the corporate world and sports. In fact, one of the earliest and most successful users of his theory of flow was a sports team in 1993 who then went on to win the Super Bowl. People like Bill Gates and Tony Blair have praised his work. And, as if to underscore how important employee satisfaction and involvement is to the success of a company, a Scandinavian government-owned company turned a profit for the first time in its 120-year-old history.

The theory and workings of this autotelic life and experience is detailed in the book called Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (Harper & Row Publishers Inc., 1990), by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. It sounds like an interesting and enlightening read, not only for business owners wondering how to motivate and get the best out of their workers, but also for the individual.

And here is an excerpt from the article:

In the flow state, Csikszentmihalyi found, people engage so completely in what they are doing that they lose track of time. Hours pass in minutes. All sense of self recedes. At the same time, they are pushing beyond their limits and developing new abilities. Indeed, the best moments usually occur when a person's body or mind is stretched to capacity. People emerge from each flow experience more complex, Csikszentmihalyi found. They become more self-confident, capable, and sensitive. The experience becomes "autotelic," meaning that the activity actually becomes its own reward. "To improve life, one must improve the quality of experience," he says. One of the chief advantages of flow is that it enables people to escape the state of "psychic entropy," the distraction, depression, and dispiritedness that constantly threaten them.

Improve the quality of experience to improve your life. Sounds like a worthwhile endeavour.